nothing feels good
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
If I were asked right now how I would define the word friend, I would say: I love them, but they are a real pain in the ass.
I am at another low in my life. I can't quite explain it. Not yet, perhaps - just like how I had an unidentifiable sickness long ago, but only after an enlightenment from Mr Shaw's book did I get to point that sickness out as Loneliness. It's a different thing now. It's got a little bit of loneliness, but not as much. It's got a little bit of feeling lost, but not as much. I've got an idea where I'm going or at least where I want to go, though it's not very clear. About the loneliness bit, it isn't really that bad because actually I just want to be alone these days. Probably I have spent too much of my own time for other people. And now I want all those time back for myself, if they can't give their own time for me anyway.
Hmph. .......I've been pretty distant from people in school lately. Some notice it, but some are just dense. But that's alright, better to have good relations than bad, after all.
It can probably be called Frustration. So many things I want to do, but can't. Frustrated first of all of having given so much of your time for others, but when it's your turn who needs their time.. oh, I won't get into that. I've already done so in previous posts. Frustrated, too, at the fact that I still have a thesis to do before I graduate. That I have another year left. I want to work already, make my own money.. help Mom and Dad out with the bills.. help Mom at work and chores, but she wants to do everything herself, to my frustration. I wish I could do something. I wish I could be useful. I wish I could make money. I wish I could accomplish even my humble list-of-things-I-want-to-do. I waste so much time that I don't manage to finish my homework on time or do something on my list. Which makes me wonder, what do I with my time if I don't get anything done?
It makes me worry that in the future, this lethargic, lazy attitude will prevent me from reaching my dreams. Knock knock knock. God help me.
I'm at a low, but it's bearable. Actually sort of enjoying the freedom it gives me. The problem is I get pissed of easier, and that sucks.
. . .
Monday, June 27, 2005
I really work best when I am not at home. School is the place to work. Home is the place to bum around. But I should not bum around anymore. I should do what I always want to do - read my books, Time magazines, watch DVDs and yeah, play computer games.
New order. After all, I come to school very early. That time in school will be used for school, and time at home will be used for me.
. . .
Saturday, June 25, 2005
No, I never expect anything in return when I help somebody.
But when it's your turn to ask, when it's you who needs help but nobody helps you the way you have helped them, you can't avoid realizing that your good deeds go unrewarded.
I am a generous person. So generous, in fact, that it's bad for me.
I feel like I'm on the edge. I feel that sooner or later I will explode. I'm in a stage where I'm beginning to get sick of people "using" me. Tess using me for talent, Mars and Karen asking me to bring the video cam to school and back three times, Tash always txting me for homework, Gel asking for a write up.. what else? There are countless people asking for countless things, I can't remember anymore who and what they are. Normally I don't mind holding out a helping hand.. but now that I am very busy with many things, and I still squeeze "helping friends" into my tight schedule, I ask myself, what do I get out of these saintly acts? Maybe before it was alright, since I didn't have much to do with my life anyway. But now that I have overflowing interests waiting to be pursued, this helping of friends starts to look like a big waste of time, especially if those friends are very ungrateful. It starts to feel like being used. I feel like I'm Tony Blair, given hell by his countrymen because of his loyalty to Bush, but gets nothing out of it for himself.
The question is whether this stage will move on to another, or things will just carry on as if nothing happened. Perhaps one day I will just stop giving myself to everybody. I wonder when that will be, though. But I'm almost sure I get back to my old "martyr" over-too-generous self. Sadly enough.
. . .
I don't know why I ever ask for help when I know I won't get it anyway.
And instead of telling me that I know nothing, why not just teach me so that I may know something?
I hope I finally learned this time.
Nobody understands you better than yourself. Just trust your own instincts.
. . .
Friday, June 24, 2005
Oh, the United States is such a beautiful country. I can't explain it. How do you explain your fascination with America to those who are anti-American?
What - that they are the first modern democracy? (Are they?) It's not necessarily just that. The reasons America is beautiful is not so much their politics. But obviously it is their democracy that has brought about all the beauty the country has. All that is wonderful in America, is a child of the Constitution signed around 200 years ago. Without that Constitution, there never would have been America, after all.
I want to say so much about that land, but I really don't know how to say it. It's very abstract. Just like what our discussions in Litephi says, a nation is abstract. But when I see pictures of those American towns and cities, the Interstate roads.. I just know it's I've got to be there some day. I can't point out what it is that attracts me to it. It's the soul of America. You can't touch it, you can't see it. You just feel it.
For some reason I've got a strong feeling for the US at this moment more than ever before. I don't know why. I just looked up Kansas City, MO at Yahoo Travel, and this feeling overwhelmingly came over me. All the while listening to old American music.. maybe that helped.
It's everything I've read, everything I've seen, everything I've heard.. everything from that country that my brain so enjoyingly consumed. It's is indeed a sad thing that most people don't see the wonders of America beyond movies, music, TV, Disneyland..
Admittedly, though, I'm sort of nervous about the idea of traveling America. Even if we know so much about it, it still is a strange country. People are different. And definitely I will be disappointed at some parts of the country. Not like in the pictures. Or the place has changed. Life has changed.
..what am I blabbering about? I've already said I can't explain it. I should not try anymore. I have done so so many times. If there ever is a way to say why I am fascinated with America (I can't say I love it - I haven't experienced it yet), the words will come.
The question I got to ask myself before embarking on the dream trip:
Are you ready for another round of Loneliness? It's part of it, after all. Not only part of traveling, but part of American life.
I never thought I'd do this, but..
. . .
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Dammit my mind can't sit still. It's why I have a hard time progressing on my music lessons! (I do, but very slowly, haha) I can't go on playing after an hour or so..
If I do, my mind slows down. Starting something else will wake it up.
Can't study straight or do homework straight. After a minute or so, my eyes will look around for something else. Surf the net for a while, then go back to the books, then oh it's 9:30 it's time for Jon Stewart. Commercial break, search the net for something that Jon Stewart mentioned, or something shown on the commercials. Back to the show. Next commercial break, surf the net again. Or pack your bag for tomorrow. Show finished, back to the books. An idea for your blog comes up so back to the computer. Bla bla bla bla. Missing the commercials are okay. But missing my homework.. aaaaaahhhhhhhh dammit! Brain: concentrate! (Word of the past two days, huh)
. . .
How did I discover that gangsta rap?
Being cut off from the world has its good side. If it weren't for my loneliness, I wouldn't have learned that there are at least some pretty good hip hop music out there. Although I'd prefer to call it rap. Hip Hop sounds like white street kids rap these days.
If I were still around people telling me what's the right thing to listen to, I wouldn't have learned to love the music I love now. That's jazz, and good old Tin Pan Alley. Traditional American Pop.
I wouldn't have learned to seriously listen to real music.
Not that I'm saying rock music is not serious. Of course it is, and I still find it wonderful, but I got stuck there. And it probably led to my sickness of everything. Led to my wanting of something totally new..
Been raining every night for three nights now. The rainy season has begun.
. . .
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Argh, I really hate it when people disturb me when I'm watching a TV show. Two shows, just two shows I watch five times a week, with commercial breaks! I hope people can be sensitive enough to wait until the commercial breaks.
Okay, actually I watch three shows plus CNN and the BCC. But those are the stuff I can miss. I can't miss a second of Jon and Conan.
Now this is why I prefer watching TV and movies alone. Concentrate!
. . .
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Ang cute ni Jon Stewart, hehe.
2008! Will be the end of an era. Bush will leave, soon Blair will be leaving, 2 years later GMA will leave.. Jon Stewart will leave, and a year later Leno will leave.. that means Conan will leave Late Night as well, but at least he's moving on to the Tonight Show.. hmm I'll be 22 then..
. . .
ORG ORG ORG ORG ORG! LITCIRCLE! Gusto ko magpaka-busy nalang sa org.. ayoko na mag-aral!!
Actually, ok lang sakin pumasok sa klase at makinig, magbasa ng sangkatutak ng readings - yun, kaya ko pa yun.. pero wag nyo sana ako paisipin pa.. ok lang mag quiz, mag test.. pero yang mga homework na pinapagawa nyo hindi ko na kaya..
*This only goes to show that I'd rather much work than study. Duh*
. . .
Monday, June 13, 2005
Thinking about my future the other day, I resolved to just work hard on getting better at the clarinet, because playing for an orchestra would get me good money. A studio orchestra, or perhaps something like that job I found at the classifieds some time ago - an orchestra that would play in an amusement park in Hong Kong.
Sometimes when I'm bored I look through the classifieds for jobs. I want to know what's being offered out there, and to my disappointment they're all boring office jobs. Technical assistant, accountant, marketing manager, what-have-you. They just don't appeal to me.
I want a writing job. A reporter? A journalist? A columnist? I want a job that would allow me to go out, not just sit in some air-conditioned, white-walled office all day. But sometimes I don't know if I really should write for money. I realize if you really want to write, write as a sideline. Perhaps contribute to a newspaper or magazine while you have a main job. Or during your free time work on a book. But you have to have a main source of income. And to me, the orchestra job sounds like the best best.
How much does an orchestra job pay exactly?
What about my traveling dreams - how do I get to that? The writer job would be a way. If I worked for National Geographic (dream on) or some magazine like that. Perhaps a foreign correspondent like Hemingway. He was sent to Paris and that was all that matters, even if he didn't get paid for his articles. He just wrote in exchange for the paper sending him there. Hmm maybe the orchestra job would send me traveling somehow too, hehe.
Orchestra job? This is not the 30s. There are no such things as radio studio orchestras anymore. Am I dreaming of what Artie Shaw was writing about? Or is it still possible to earn while playing commercial music..
. . .
Friday, June 10, 2005
What the hell does it mean to "add some beef"?
I've heard that phrase before and never thought I'd question what it really means. Only now do I wonder, now that somebody's asked me to help him "add some beef" to his story idea.
He did so because "You're a literature major."
I listened to his story like I always listen to his stories, but unfortunately I must have looked like some lost kid. I knew what he was saying, his idea was all right, but what the hell was he asking from me? I told him I'd think about it, which was a stupid thing to say, coz what sort of beef could I possibly think of? (And he must have expected me to answer him right away.)
When I left, I thought of telling him that what he just told me was already fine, and why can't he just shoot it that way? What sort of beef does he want to add? But of course I only thought of this when it as too late. I only think of the better things to say when it's too late.
After trying and trying (well, ok, maybe not as much as one might expect), I've come to learn that I may not be cut out to be a fiction-writer. This has discouraged me from writing, but then I've also learned that writing fiction is not the only sort of writing one can do.
And I've also learned that I'm not the only literature major who hates creative writing! That includes poetry.
Don't get me wrong. I love reading fiction, and sometimes poetry. And I've stayed in the literature program because I realized it's not only for writers, but for people who simply want to study literature.
I'm not sure I can say I entered the program because I want to write. Coz I didn't know what I wanted to become when I entered college. I expected to find out just that through the course of my college life. And I'm still in the process. One of the things I learned is certainly I'm more inclined to writing non-fiction (a la Hunter S. Thompson, Artie Shaw, perhaps Jack Kerouac, and to some extent Ernest Hemingway - he was a reporter) than writing inventive stories like Chuck Palahniuk or say, Nick Hornby?
An observer, that's what I am. Maybe when I get older, when I develop better this knack for observing the world, and when I'm actually willing to make the time for it, maybe that's when I'll be able to write a good fiction story. Though probably still in the heart of Thompson-style journalism or the real-life accounts of Kerouac. (Hey, they both got the chance to write fiction novels.)
Now talking to people like Jason sort of makes me feel inferior. Perhaps because I once wanted to be like them? I still wonder how they get such creative ideas. I know what I'm capable of doing, I know what I'm good at, but due to its lack of development I have yet to put this deeper into my conciousness and be confident about it.
...I watch Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jon Stewart. I watch the news. I listen to all sorts of music and my list of want-to-read books range from the classics to the contemporary classics. I love all sorts of good movies, Hollywood or not, but I don't get to see such obscure movies as he does. I know some things underground as much as some things in pop culture and I pride myself in that. But I don't think I'm an empty shell. People may not see me as a deep thinker, but I think I think too much (thanks to my over-indulgence of movies', books', and music's drama). I think it's up to the person if he or she wants others to see them as deep. They can't possibly know unless you show them. And some people only choose who they want to show this side to. Is Christian really an empty shell? Or is Jason being arrogant?
xxx Ok, after writing this entry, I'm now inspired to read the Sir Bayot-recommended "Elements of Style". I'm sure to find some tips to keep thing whole thing short while writing better-sounding sentences.
It's 11:55pm, I'm waiting for Conan. I woke up 20 minutes after Jay Leno started and hardly listened to anything he said. I slept in my jeans, waiting for Mom to come home and maybe go out with Co to see Madagascar (I have not even seen the last Star Wars). But Mom's asleep in her own jeans in her own room so I guess no dinner for tonight (which is good). Finally I got some sleep. But I'll get more and some, since the Independence Day holiday was moved to Monday! =D
. . .
Monday, June 06, 2005
I am getting sick of having everybody in school dependent on me.
I realized all the pesos I load in my cellphone goes to them.
Why can't they ever take note of what's happening in their classes?
Why do I always seem to know everything?
. . .
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I just saw Sin City.
Put Clive Owen on my number 6.
I loved him in Closer too. Despite the fact that Jude Law was there.. hehe. Mr Owen stole the show for me. Geez, I'm really into older men these days.
I have a feeling my number 6 would never be permanent like the rest. It would be my crush-for-now or some person I currently find interesting.
Jude Law - Keanu Reeves - Clive Owen - who's next?
For now, though, he's the man!
In short, some actor. I don't have actors who I look up to, I realized.
Oh, I like Jeff Goldblum too. Now he's old. Hehe ;-)
. . .
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Oh my God, I'm gonna faint.
. . .
. . .
. . .