nothing feels good
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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Addicted to The Daily Show now, I am. Jon and the rest of the guys just crack me up. Now I know what to do in times such as these.
There's a large supply.

Cable and the Internet, I'll say once more, rule.

Perhaps I'm just meant to bury myself to death with this "leisure" stuff. Heh. I pray to God I'm not.

What a deep thought-filled day. Well, just for the past seven hours actually. Thanks litcircle! pooey.

posted by introvert at 12:16:00 AM
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Monday, September 05, 2005
Jon Stewart's ('84) Commencement Address
Date: May 20, 2004
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night

posted by introvert at 8:34:00 PM
. . .
If you live the expatriate/National Geographic/foreign correspondent/global citizen sort of life, how would you keep up with pop culture?

I'm too into TV, music, movies, and books. That's sure the leisure things travel takes away from you. But I equally would love to live that global citizen sort of life. Sure, there are ways to keep with the news, with the goings-on, but.. would you still know who's who? oh, i don't know. i really really really don't know. what a damned life.

posted by introvert at 7:48:00 PM
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What's My Future Made Of?

here i am again. so lost. i don't know what to do with my life. what am i good at? what am i cut out to be? i'm graduating from college in four terms (hopefully). but i have no direction. no direction at all. i just know that i have to get out of here, experience a whole new place. but then what? well of course before i leave, i gotta work for money. but i don't even know what sort of job i want. i just know that i will work, and then go off somewhere. what job am i good enough for? and when i get to my destination, what will i do there to get by? what sort of job will i get there? i need money of course. you gotta work for money. work is no problem. i would love to work. but what kind of work?

it took jon stewart a long time to learn what he wanted to do with his life. should the case be the same for me? way after college? yeah i was thinking of taking up odd jobs. maybe after trying many things it will just come to you. you never know unless you tried, after all. i've been saying that over and over. deep inside though i know i want to be one of them. how pathetic is that? it's like artie shaw's cinderella story. i want to be up there. one of them. but i'm not so sure i have what it takes. i don't even know what it takes to get up there.

how come in this blog i always have something to write? why is it when i am asked to write, i have nothing?

why is my attention span getting shorter? i want to read but i can't finish what i'm reading. always in a hurry. not even patient enough to continue my camera experimentation. damn! damn damn damn i really don't know what to do..

posted by introvert at 7:01:00 PM
. . .
By golly, writing does suck. Or is it deadlines that do?

posted by introvert at 6:15:00 PM
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Saturday, September 03, 2005
What a week. In the news. Haha. What a loser.

First off, there's Hurricane Katrina of course. And the ensuing news after that. Gas prices, poor crisis management from the government, etc.

Then there's that stampede in Iraq that killed 900+. Normally I ignore Iraq news, coz they're all the same: car bomb here, car bomb there. But this was different.

And, as the week closes, a video from one of the London suicide bombers. A video from Al Qaeda was edited into the tape. Hmm.

That's my life these days. The news.

Had a nice talk with Ai, Rachel, and Ronnie yesterday about leaving the country. No future here? What will happen to me here if I stay? Of course I always knew I wanted to leave, at least for a while. I always told myself I would go back. And I will. I've got to get out of here. Need a change in environment. Explore. Learn new things. Indeed, nothing will happen to me if I stay. But -- the question: How will I leave? I'm lucky enough to have an American visa. But the money..

posted by introvert at 11:02:00 AM
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005
No words can describe my surprise. I have no other way to describe what I feel, but to say that I Am Very Happy. My most unproductive term (is it, really? -- at least it feels like it) and yet I receive what you can call my best grades ever. Three 3.5's (two of which are major subjects), two 2.5's, and well, a 1.0 from Intreco. I could have been on the Dean's List if I got a 2.0 for Intreco, but that doesn't matter, since I really expected to fail that subject. But Heaven is on my side. I feel like I don't deserve my grades. I expected very low grades. Perhaps prayer worked again, but then again, in this term of apathy and laziness, I don't remember praying much -- although I did a little, so I guess that's enough for God. I still cannot give enough thanks to God.. Je chante! Y'a d'la joie.. :D

However -- there is some bad news, and when I heard it, it made me wish that I did fail Intreco. I knew my parents, or at least my dad, would say to my brother, "Look at your sister's high grades!" -- and I'd hate to hear that. It would have been better for this sorry state of the family, if I had a 0.0 like my brother (he has two). I don't know what to feel - I know he studies, I see him study. I felt he studied more than I did. But then my dad says when he studies he doesn't do so seriously. I am dreaming, believing what I want to believe? Or is my dad making normal things look not normal?

Final comment: Too bad Jason didn't see my good grades and 3.5 final Litengl paper. Haha =P

Other follow-up comments:
As Nico pointed out, Ms. Marj likes to praise herself. Is my paper really that good? Most of what I wrote in there were her ideas. Well, ok, not most. I did think of them myself. But what I did was, I thought of things that I knew she wanted me to write. There was one idea, though, that she commented on. Very good reading, Rica, she noted. But that idea was directly from her. I did not think of it. And my thesis statement.. she loved my thesis statement. Everybody in the class knows she loved my thesis statement. But then, she was the one who thought of it. I just wrote it down.

Well, should all that matter anymore? I got a 2.5, and I shouldn't keep on saying that I don't deserve those high grades. Because whether I do or not, I know I'm very, very, very happy with them. This must be the best course card day ever. Grade-wise. Hahaha. There was another course card day.. bad grade-wise, but good nevertheless. However -- I was too chicken to make it last more than just a day. Dammit! (I regret it now, but perhaps my feelings will change again as it always does.)

Today made me long for a guy. In such happy days like these, you'd want to share it with somebody. I was with my friends, yes, but.. is it not enough? I wanted to hug somebody.. who did I hug today? I hugged Nico for a second, when I found out I didn't fail Intreco. But.. oh I don't know. I guess it's just that I wanted to call somebody up to tell them how happy I am, aside from sharing the moment with those who were with me. But there was nobody to call, nobody to hug. And that's why I regret being chicken.

Course card days make you think, don't they.

posted by introvert at 5:10:00 PM
. . .
Monday, August 29, 2005
Cable is such a blessing, isn't it. During breaking news like this, I get to see live CNN USA coverage. Anderson Cooper is actually on right now. However, I still like better BBC's handling of the news. The Americans love the breaking news too much, and dwell on every last bit of it. This Hurrican Katrina coverage has been going on since 4pm (4am there!). Well, that's their attitude, as opposed to Europe's life-goes-on attitude. The BBC pays attention to other news as well. But then, while my own attitude is closer to the BBC's take on the news, I am still a news/media addict of some sort, and I can't get enough of this live feed from America. I'm waiting for something I don't know what. Even if deep inside I know it's a complete waste of time.

posted by introvert at 10:06:00 PM
. . .
Friday, August 26, 2005
Dammit, New York City's so strongly calling out to me, it's making me want to cry.

posted by introvert at 11:26:00 PM
. . .
I wonder what I can do to get my room back.. without a painful process.

I'm gonna blow up sooner or later if I continue to keep this to myself.. but, I have no choice..

I don't know why they think I'm lonely in this room. The privacy of it is exactly why I love it. That is, during the times that there is privacy. :-/

posted by introvert at 1:15:00 AM
. . .
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I'm sick of struggling with writing, forcing senseless crap out of my brain. I am not cut out to be a writer, but again, like in music, at least I tried. You'd never know unless you tried.

But the question remains.. what am I cut out to be? I know what I love.. so many.. yet.. I don't know what I love to do. What is it that I can do that would earn me a living?

posted by introvert at 6:41:00 PM
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AHHHHHHHHHHH I wanna see JEFF GOLDBLUM in PILLOWMAN!!!! (Now that's why New York City's so great) and get a picture with him.. :```(((

posted by introvert at 11:42:00 AM
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current mood
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piotr f.

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