nothing feels good
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Monday, February 28, 2005
What a boring Oscars night. What happened to Hollywood's glitz and glamor?

Still wanna act, though. Be a part of it.

And I still want to go to Hollywood. To see where the classic stars used to roam.. and well, where the current stars roam. Ehehe. Keanu Reeves just got a star at the Walk of Fame.

Damn school. I don't want to study anymore.

posted by introvert at 3:15:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, February 27, 2005
I just saw a play at the CCP (F. Sionil Jose's "Mass"), and after seeing Aviator last night, and all that reading and looking at Keanu Reeves, here I am again inspired to be one of them - to be an actor, up there on stage or on the screen as if I were a different person and then coming back out on stage with everybody clapping and cheering for me.. it sounds very There's No Business Like Show Business, I know. But it is a pretty attractive profession, just like being a writer is, but the question is can I really do it? Keanu Reeves' life tells me even shy people/loners can do it. But somewhere deep in my mind I also know that it really is just a myth - a No Business Like Show Business myth. Don't you think.. it's just attractive to be somewhere up there..

posted by introvert at 8:06:00 PM
. . .
Saw The Aviator last night and I'm back with old jazz. I love the way Scorsese used the soundtrack. You could tell which decade the movie was in by listening to the music. Ranged from 20s to 30s to 40s. Heard some Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw and Tommy Dorsey and other familiar songs. And the sound quality was good! I wish my mp3s sounded that nice. Benny's Moonglow when Hughes and Hepburn were flying made me melt in my seat. Made me realize the clarinet was the best jazz instrument - heard a lot of clarinet besides Benny's. Except for the music, though, the movie didn't much give a feel of the eras.

Leo was great. I'm glad he was able to finally dust off his teen-hearthrob image.

posted by introvert at 7:41:00 AM
. . .
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Constantine was actually a good movie. I have to admit.
It wasn't that great, as I said it's really just another Hollywood movie but hey, I liked it.
In fact I'm still dreaming/thinking about it until now.

That's a sign that a movie's good, right?

Then again, it may be just because Keanu Reeves was hot in it. Just like Sky Captain wasn't good at all besides the effects, but I liked it because of Jude Law (and the 30s setting). And no, I'm not a fan of Keanu Reeves, he just looked good in that movie.

Anyhow, I knew that possessed girl was speaking in Filipino. But I wasn't sure of it until Bunny mentioned it today, and ultimately when the DJ in NU earlier this evening was talking about Filipino snippets in movies.

And I didn't realize that one of the half-breeds was played by Gavin Rossdale. Until one of NU's txters said so. No wonder he looked so familiar. And that possessed girl in the beginning was Jasmine Trias' sister.

In YM tonight, Jeck and Rolly are online. First time I saw them online at the same time. (I'm on invisible, however) I suddenly remembered that Rolly said if I say a movie is "ok lang" that means it's good. And if I say it was good then it's great. ppnsp. Miss ko na sila pakshet.


Hunter S. Thompson is dead.
Time is running out, all these people I want to meet are dying.
First, Artie Shaw.
Now, Hunter.
And he had to take his own life.
I am really saddened by the news. As in really really saddened.
Not just because I didn't get to meet him.
But because it's such a loss. He was a great man, an extraordinary one, and he just had something about him. The Legend That Was Hunter Thompson. Johnny Depp had a hard time shaking off the character after Fear and Loathing the movie. So did Bill Murray in Where The Buffalo Roam.
And because of the fact that he shot himself in the head. For some reason I don't know - the thought of it never crossed my mind. Why would he do it?
Probably he didn't believe in growing old. Or perhaps he got the idea from Hemingway.

posted by introvert at 8:41:00 PM
. . .
Saturday, February 19, 2005
It is true. What they say about Capricorn-Capricorn. From where I stand, I can already see what it will be like with him..

A seemingly perfect match. Together because of loneliness. Dullness in the relationship. End in disaster.

That's what the stars say. Pretty logical. They get together in the first place because of the attraction, and that's why it looks perfect. But in truth they are with one another simply because they need somebody. And it'll end in disaster because of just that. Because maybe the other will find somebody else or get tired of the dullness.

Not being biased with the stars, but I'd say that if I do get together with him, there's a great possibility for it to come true. Because the first two sentences in the second paragraph already is true (if we did get together). It just makes so much sense.

But who listens to the stars? Who listens to anything at all? We only learn when it's too late..


Anyway, had a very fun conversation with Kim this afternoon. About anything and everything. She's coming here for her birthday and gonna have a party. Yay! At the latter part of the chat session I was multi-tasking - Pia went online, and so did Jeck (nyek) and Reks started txting.. What the hell! Pia was asking me about video editing, and Jeck was basically asking me out to the UP fair or for tea sometimes (no way) and Reks was trying to get me to say I miss him (which I don't). I wasn't for any of it all (well, regarding the boys - Pia was fine, although I think I was kind of distant with her, sa dami ba namang kausap!). I got sick of Jeck asking me about a non-existent boyfriend (he just assumed I've been having a lovelife so I played along, haha) and telling me about his breakup with some 21-year-old gal just today (kaya pala nag-aayang lumabas ampota) that I went back on invisible. What really made me say I got to go was his final request of "kwento mo naman last breakup mo." And then Reks here has been sending me so many pointless messages that I don't know what to reply anymore, so I stopped. It's 10 fucking pesos to send to Australia, and he fucking knows that, you know I'd like it much better if he just called. What the heck, does this have something to do with the time of the month that I'm being so hot-headed? Well, just to them two guys. Couldn't stand it, at least for today. Geez.

Do you think it means anything that after these two guys making me kulit, and after spending a lot of time with JJ the other day - that the Capricorn guy is still on my mind? Usually I forget about a guy when another comes along, haha it's not as bad as it sounds but that's how it is (or used to be). But now he's still the one I'm thinking of. Even if I know it's a bad idea.

I don't want to talk about him anymore. Just like Tash I don't want to be so vocal about it because what we want to happen might not happen anyway. Some kind of superstition within the self.

Can't wait for Marian's birthday. I already want to give her the flower stuffed toy and maybe a journal or a brooch. Something she'll really like. And I can't wait to see Kim in June, too. I miss her so much. =)

If anything should mean anything, it's the fact that I've been posting quite a lot lately, and not to mention long posts at that.

posted by introvert at 9:22:00 PM
. . .
Friday, February 18, 2005
Shit, man, I wanna be an explorer for National Geographic.

That just may be the thing for me.. after all, my strongest dream is to go around the world..

But then it is a lonesome job. "Lonesome Traveler" nga diba..

As somebody posted in the NG website:

To go where nobody has been
To see what nobody has seen
To fly over clouds, under waves
To die lonesome at the end

Well, shouldn't I have learned already that enjoying many friends is only temporary? Exploration.. kaya ko ba yun? Well, from where I stand now, yun lang yata yung kaya ko eh. Musician, director..? Hell-o! Wish ko lang. Writer, pwede pa. But probably good writing from me will only come out of my travels. Plus, photography. Because, it's the only thing I want to do. Pera lang ang kulang.. unless you get support from National Geographic or somewhat organization..

Anyway. 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration as NG says. That's alright. It seems a far away dream, but actually quite nearer than all my other dreams.

posted by introvert at 3:23:00 PM
. . .
Thursday, February 17, 2005

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

posted by introvert at 9:06:00 PM
. . .
What a day! Tiring. But it was something.

Ms. Malou (Intdram) noticed how tired we all looked. Bunny answered, "We had midterms for our first two subjects and then a very very very long break." That sums the day up..

Worlit1 exam, finish early, walk to IC, study for Spantwo, take the exam.. then Marian and I had lunch at Chowking after hanging out at Starbucks (she treated me again for the nth time, shucks, kapal talaga ng muka ko). And oh, before Starbucks we dropped by some new ukay-ukay where I bought a nice red jacket with white stripes for only Php120. After Chowking we went looking for a computer because James was asking Marian to check her mail. In Gokongwei we ran into JJ and he accompanied us to the cybernook because there were no available computers in Gox.. Overtime kami dun, we missed the consultation discussion in Langlit (damn, midterms pa naman next week.. looks like I have to self-study), JJ went ahead to have his LOA form signed around the school, after Langlit we were supposed to help out with the Litcircle bulletin board but Nico didn't want to so we ended up just talking, then she went to class and I waited with Marian for her groupmates to come and when they did I met up with JJ in the registrar's then joined him in Wendy's while I tried reading King Lear for Intdram (to no avail) then I went back to school as JJ headed home through the LRT, then I checked M320 but there were still some people inside so I decided to go to Gox (I know by now that the last classroom in the third floor is available during my 230-420 break) and checked up on Friendster then went to Intdram, answered some "diagnostic test" about Antigone and Medieval Theater which Gel helped me to answer, tapos lokohan with Ace (he always teases me for some reason, even tried to trick me about missing Langlit today - heller, I was there when YOU weren't! hehe), then watched a King Lear video (thank God no discussion, I would have died again) then headed home, looking for Pow at the station but he was not there, Argh.

Oh well. I know now that I look for people because I'm lonely and not because I like them. I've gotten over that wanting-to-be-alone stage. This loneliness crap has been going on too long to be ignored. But things are getting better, the Lit block is helping (unknowingly to them), I'm happy to be everybody's friend there.. and even the other little things, like JJ being there today, and getting to talk to Nico like that, Tash before Spantwo, even this morning before the Worlit exam with Sven Pow Ace and Joseph(?) in the classroom (yes puro boys haha deprived ako of boys eh pasensya na hahah), and even getting to see Tephanie and selling her some raffle tickets.. hehe.

[currently listening to Benny Goodman - Stompin' At The Savoy. Love this song! The definitive 30s song for me.. =D]

Hay! All my recent posts are loneliness-based. I'm really gonna miss DLSU, it cured my loneliness, probably just like how #moshpit did.. Even if DLSU at the beginning made my sickness worse, over time it cured it, and now things are getting much better - it's the only way to describe the now.

Anyway, ang cute ni JJ haha. Pero alam nyo na yun, alam nyo na what I mean when I say cute and referring to JJ. He's just cute. But no of course not I'm not attracted to him like I am to Jason and Pow.. haha Jason and Pow are NOT cute at all, oh well ayoko ng cute eh except kay Miguel hahaha! Yeah you heard me - Pow! Magpapakatotoo na naman ako. Well I'm not sure about him, pero I just get the feeling.. well sometimes natutuwa ako when I hear him give a small laugh haha ang cute pero not cute as in JJ cute basta! Labo ipaliwanag. Hindi naman cute si Pow eh. Heck, ano ba yan, I don't know at all what I look for in a guy. Inaasar pa ako ni Gel kanina kay Pow, what the hell was that? Well, inasar nya rin naman ako kay Joe Agra, but why did she have to say Pow, geez. (Buti nalang pabulong nya lang ako inasar). Tapos kahapon pa nung narinig ko sabi ni Ai na yung kulang nalang sa GA si Pow, napasabi ko "POW?" as in out loud that Marian heard pero NR sya coz that doesn't mean anything to her anyway.. I was just surprised that he was gonna be an officer too and that means more bonding with him ppnsp which I would rather not have.. labo ko talaga no?

I just can't keep pretending to ignore that I look for him in the train station (but then again that's because of my loneliness) and that I sometimes get that awkward feeling when he's around (sometimes lang naman) that I get the feeling he likes me pero wag naman, over the bakod yabang/feeling na yun.. tapos ngayon ka-AVP ko pa sya sa externals ng Litcircle! What the heck! I can say I don't care about him - but will that really be true? Kasi I'd probably choose Jason over him. Haha. I don't know! Ayoko ng blockmate! Haha. I wanna scrap them both. And I wanna see Miguel. Haven't seem him for what seems like ages! But I keep on seeing Chip and today I saw fellow Dean's Lister Blake, haha. Hay buhay nga naman.. and that Eric guy from Litcircle really reminds me of Blake..

About JJ. Bakit sya cute? Dahil ang hilig nya tumawa today haha. Ang cute ng pagkasabi nyang "Who's that!" nung nagload yung Friendster tapos lumabas profile ng isang guy who has a grad pic for a photo hahaha tawang tawa kami dun. Tapos nung tinanong sya ni Marian about past relationships pa-smile smile pa sya hahah but I shouldn't have said "Ano ka ba bakit ka tumatawa" kahit in a jokingly way because I don't like people asking me that. Wala lang, aliw talaga si JJ, matagal ko ng alam yun pero ngayon ko lang nakita talaga na aliw sya. Haha I should go to one of his gigs one of these days and bring Marian along. That would be fun.

Anyway. I just noticed. Whenever I post about a what-a-day day, whenever there is a day that I love, it's because there are many people involved. It's because I run into several people and get to talk to several people or hang out with people and of course had fun. Well....that just goes to show how lonely I've been, and how deprived I am of fun, and that - as I've said before - only people, or more specifically, friends, can make you happy/make life fun.

Anyway it's CLA day tomorrow and after today I'm thinking about whether or not I should go.. but then it might not turn out as expected, and I doubt I'd see those I want to see (the answer is to have your own life and don't find anybody, you'll just find one another) but ultimately it's this period of mine - hassle to go to school at a time like this, so why go to school if you really don't have to anyway.

OK here I go again. This started as an account of my day and ended up as a rant.

This is good this is good. Going back to thought-recording. "Good job!" (Tash's new expression hehe) I know some of the things written here will sound foolish when I read it again in the future pero good job pa rin!

posted by introvert at 7:41:00 PM
. . .
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
That was fun. Last period (Intdram) today was fun because of kwentuhan with Tash.

But also it was because L.A. was to my left and Tash was to my right and next to her was Ai. Although I was talking to Tash most of the time, it was nice to have friends like that surrounding you, and that's why I'm growing to love the Lit block - because I know them all, because they're all my friends (to some extent), even the new people I didn't know before like Joseph and Sven and Bunny.. and they're a pretty good bunch, really.

Anyway, was talking with Tash about AC girls and as before, finding similarities with Poveda girls. One particularly funny thing was that we had the same idea of having "social classes" in high school, something I never had the guts to talk about with anybody. Well, Tash is one cool chick you can call REAL - because she is.

Those are the people I get along fine with. Whatever "social class" you are, as long as you're crazy and can talk about real things and get away with it - talk about things that would label you "bad" or "mean" or "gago" but you talk about them anyway because you know they're true.. such as talking about the "accepted" and "unaccepted" people in the batch as Tash was saying. Masama pakinggan, ika nga nya, but that's the way it really is. And the cool thing about this girl is that she laughs all the way through and doesn't make all these things sound so bad. She just reminds you of reality.

When she makes you feel better about yourself, without you knowing quite exactly how, and she makes you forget your troubles about boys and everything else, well, not exactly forgetting, but rather making them seem funny than troublesome.. well, you know you've got good company in your hands.

It's the thing I need - the thing I've been looking for, the thing I've lost. I've been living in a dream world on and off, more on than off, and I hunger for reality. It's where I matured, it's where I had a life, but can I really call it my home? Maybe I'm just a spectator, I can't live in the real world, but it's one thing that surely fascinates me and makes me wish I can live there..

I kind of envy Tash for her social life. She loves her friends, and she's got so many of them. All her stories about hanging out on weekends seem to be so much fun. I don't know why that sort of life appeals so much to me, but I do know that that doesn't belong to me. I like hearing stories about friends' friends, just like listening to Ysay's stories before. Me, do I really have any stories to tell? Maybe nga, spectator lang ako.

I've lived in the real world for a while, for a couple of years(?), and I couldn't stay longer - I had to leave and I did, but now I'm hungering for it. It's been so long, and I still haven't gone back. How does one come back? Where do I go from here? The thing is to make many friends, I suppose.. But I know that party world of Tash ain't for me. I may like the idea of it, and when I'm there it may be so much fun, but then what? The problem of it is it ain't got no direction.. what's gonna happen after? What happens when everybody's grown old? What happens when everybody's busy with their careers and has got no time for friends.. wala na, tapos na. That I've learned from #moshpit, everybody's graduated from the fun of late-night chatting simply because everyone else has gotten tired of it, and from there everybody drifts away from everybody.. but I guess the answer to that is to live for the present, carpe diem, you won't be young forever so enjoy it now..

I really don't know what's out there for me. Such a lost soul. Like to be alone, but not that much anymore. I still like the time for myself like I had this afternoon during the second break, spending time at the library like that just reading through a bunch of books.. but as I'm now aware I also like being alone because of the convenience of not having to leave a companion out of place whenever some other friend comes along.. Lately I'd appreciate a companion more than being alone, but what I've been craving for is a real person like Tash or some other.. sorry to say this but Marian doesn't really fill in that gap in me, that's the truth, but hey she's my friend and can be a good company sometimes. What I need is happenings, variety.. I don't know, I am also very aware that I cannot live in Marian's world.

The question is, where the heck do I belong? In my own world, perhaps? In my own mind, where I keep all my observances about all these other different worlds, Tash's world, Marian's world, the old #moshpit.. not seeing myself belong to any at all.. maybe I'm one of those "nomads" Tash was talking about. Just like what one of those online quizzes I took before said about me, being able to blend in anywhere, punk ka man, indie ka man, hardcore ka man.. and that's one way I see myself, capable of adjusting to anybody. I can be crazy with Tash, I can be an angel with Marian.. I can be anything you want me to be, so long's I can relate to you and get along with you - is that a good thing or is that my weakness?

Not belonging anywhere can sometimes be painful. And maybe the reason why I haven't found where I fit in is because I'm too "well-rounded" - the well-rounded person being what Scott Fitzgerald calls "the most limited of all specialists."

Well, I don't really have much time, I'm growing older and older myself.. although some people would say you have forever.. well, Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady were in their mid-20s when they had the time of their life.. maybe for me that has yet to come..

"Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window, after all," Fitzgerald says. I don't know just how true that is.


Tangina, reality ba talaga ang sinasabi ko? Or do I just equate fun with reality? Fun is what I'm looking for, not reality. Dullness is my life right now, and I need fun. At syempre friends lang ang nagbibigay saya.

But then it's gonna die down. Look at me and Ysay, where is our friendship now? Still friends somehow, but only memories are left.. You've got to have the ability to hold on to the fun - grow up, but keep on enjoying, don't stop looking for variety.. --added 8:49pm

posted by introvert at 7:16:00 PM
. . .
Monday, February 14, 2005
My browser's fucking up.

sounds: the gentle people - groovin' with you

Great song.

Been fallin' asleep without being sleepy.
Alls I wanna do is lie down.

Is this lethargy?

But of course I don't want to just lie down.

I want to practice blowing high A to high B and then to high C on my clarinet. But I ain't in the mood.

Good to see, though, that I've been able to read lately. Currently continuing On The Road.. hope I can finish it soon..

Valentine's today. Did I have to mention it?
School tomorrow.

posted by introvert at 6:19:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, February 13, 2005
For the past couple of hours I did nothing but listen to the entire folder of my Electronica-Techno-Triphop mp3's. Well, and reading Allmusic articles related to them, too.

Music listening on a day with nothing to do.

I missed this.

The electronica scene looks awesome.

posted by introvert at 10:15:00 PM
. . .
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I can't believe I took the time to write such a long, pointless thing.

JASON CHRIS CRAIG PAOLO MATT JP SARMIENTO? HAHA.. that's there world.. SO not my thing!

By the way, it rained tonight.. after what seems like a long time of good weather.

posted by introvert at 8:47:37 PM
. . .
Today I saw him (the J guy) -- quite unexpectedly. He isn't supposed to be in school today. But he was.

I was wearing the exact same outfit that day I last talked to him. Ironic, because I actually wore that outfit because I thought he wouldn't be in school. I didn't want to have the same thing on the next time I saw him. And perhaps because I was testing Fate - the first time I saw him this term, he was wearing the same shirt he wore during course card day. That somewhat struck me funny, and made me think that what if, just what if, I had worn the same shirt (either from course card day or adjustment day), would he have seen me too? And now, I wore that shirt because I didn't expect to see him, all the more talk to him, but well, that's what happened. Of course I don't think at all that the reason I saw him today was because of that outfit. Hah.

Anyway -- this is what I had written in my notebook during Intdram, the class I had after seeing him (with some additions/corrections):

Saw him - unexpectedly. Odd.
Wearing this same outfit as the last we were together. Just like how I saw him for the first time this term and he was wearing the same shirt from course card day.
"Nice talking to you," he said as I left.
Was I happy? I don't know.
I told Gel before Intdram that I was. But I think it was half meant. Less than half meant.. More of NR.. or maybe NR because the feelings are too mixed up or I still can't decipher what it is I really am feeling..
He told me he started smoking.
And I can smell the smoke as he talked.
Before, he off-handedly told me he's "done it with somebody," which I didn't understand at first, but when I did I didn't mention it because he said forget it.
An "experienced" boy, and a smoker? I used to not care.
But maybe it was his innocent-ness (or seeming innocent-ness) that got me attracted to him. And now, now that I know him more, he's turned into the opposite, and I had no idea.
He talked and talked. About how stressed he was because of his majors. And everything. Had I always listened to him? Or did my mind unconciously wander off as I tried so hard to hear his words.. as I did today?
I was thinking.. oh, he's one of those boys who like to talk and talk.. I get the feeling they only do that to girls, or is that wrong? Anyway, but it was nice that he asked about me, how was Lit? Fun, I told him. Unlike other guys who don't even bother to ask and just talk non-stop - or do they ask but I just don't notice? Did I only notice that this boy in particular did..?
On my way to Gokongwei, through second floor Miguel.. when I saw his back, he was coming from the Comm Arts Department.. I stopped, turned back, buried my head in my hands, and hid.. thinking whether to continue walking or to go elsewhere.. Did he see me before I hid? Where did he go? I decided to walk on to Gokongwei anyway, but I took the other side, the side where the Dean's Office is. I hesitated, stopping at M213 and sitting at the bench across it. I looked at the way to Gokongwei, wondering if he headed there.. I thought myself foolish so I stood up, and headed to where I intended to spend my break, and BAM there he was appearing from the Comm Arts Department.

Now I'll just add to that. And so I run into him. He asks me where I'm headed and I say Gokongwei. He looks troubled so I ask him what's wrong. "I'm stressed," he says. "Can we sit.." pointing to the bench across M213. And he begins to tell me about his majors, yada yada Prinpro Radipro Introre Fotocam.. I tell him a little about Lit and about my 2.0 in Litera2. He suggests going to Z2 because Pat was there. Turns out she wasn't. And so we sat down at an SJ bench, which as I expected didn't turn out to be a good idea because as he told me about two short films one of his profs lent him, I saw Happy at the Sports Plaza and Paolo Gonzales came along and didn't leave and then Christian came along.. then we went to the photo lab at the second floor of Miguel and looked at some pictures while he told about the developing process, meanwhile other Comm people went in and out including that JP guy whose last name I learned from Jason and Pao Gon is Sarmiento.. plus JK and Diane and Kara and Jaja and Danielle De Vera and her friend and Frances' HS batchmate.. until my watch struck 4:15 and I had to go, then he says "Nice talking to you.."

Yeah. I would have much preferred if Pao Gon hadn't stayed - or CAME at all! But hey, it's okay, he's an okay guy, friendly and nice, cute and funny but not my type at all. He made funny comments and I just listened as he and Jason conversed, and I probably looked bored so he started talking to me and joked around. What was really cute was when he asked me who's smarter, who looks better and who looks older, and I just say secret at the last question and he goes "Do you think I know?" Hahaha but YUCK Pao Gon is not my thing. Haha. And I was thinking, too, these boys aren't my thing! These English-speaking boys who talk about ... geez I don't even remember.

When I was with him I felt like I suddenly didn't care. Like, all this time you're bothered about a guy, thinking what-ifs about him and the next day you see him and all your thinking about him goes down the drain. I can't say I felt anything when I was right next to him, because there was nothing at all. But during Intdram I was thinking about the whole thing, about what happened, up until I was in the LRT then at the LRT-2 then at the car, then now, now after all that thinking.. I think I want to see him again.

Pretty selfish, though, because when I see him I don't want anybody else to be there. No Pao Gon, no Christian, nobody. What the heck..? I'm crazy. By the way, during Langlit, the class before the break, I was looking through Mariel's book of zodiac signs (she apparently memorizes all the compatibility stuff) and for some insane reason I checked under Capricorn/Capricorn (I was startled to see that his birthday falls under Capricorn also) and the book said something about a lonely social climber who would use his/her partner to get to the top but the end is a disaster "worse than Enron." Well, I pretty sure am not a social climber, I don't think I want to be any part of HIS world as it is now, neither do I think he is one, not that there is anything to climb in my world anyway, heh. But the funny thing is, it mentioned the word lonely (something I interpreted as being together because of loneliness) and that it would end in disaster..

Anyway, it was actually a break well spent. I had company, instead of roaming the school alone or hanging out in the library or whatever.

An update on M however.. NADA! I see all these people connected to him but not HIM. I saw Paul and a Trackster girl from my Litera1 class, and Bruce today but not him. I saw Julie from Stat and also the Trackster girl and Jim the other day. But not him. That same day I also saw the Trackster logo in a Makati tricycle. What the hell was that? Well I don't think he's in the track team anymore. Hah.

I'm interested to see him, but after this encounter with the J guy, I don't think I care -- for now, at least.

posted by introvert at 7:05:35 PM
. . .
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Argh!!!!!!!!! ADJUSTMENT DAY.. Why do I find myself looking back to that day?

What would have happened?

What would have happened if I were alone? Would he still have called Chris?

What happened after that? What happened after that day. What was on his mind?

And what would have happened after..

And what's next? When will I see him again? Course card day? But there is not much for course card day. All my course cards will probably come from the Lit Dept. No adjustment day too.. no more? Is that the end of him?

Shucks. Why do I bother myself with this. He's just.. he's just Jason.

posted by introvert at 8:16:08 PM
. . .
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Na-realize ko lang. Wala akong tropa. Ang sad naman.

Minsan kung isipin ko, masaya sana kung marami kang friends. Hindi lang friends friends as in school friends. Friends as in friends to hang out with, friends to go out with, friends to party with, friends you look forward seeing.. parang si Tash. Meron na syang instant kasama palagi. Weird ko no? Dati naman gusto ko yung No Definite Kasama. Well, ngayon din naman gusto ko yun. Dahil hindi mo nililimit sarili mo. Pero.. ewan ko ba. Hay. Maganda lang sana pag lumalabas ka tapos kilala mo lahat, pag lumalabas ka at alam mong maraming naghihintay sayo.. si Jason kaya? Curious lang ako. Paano kaya buhay nun..

Friends lang talaga ang nagbibigay saya sa isang tao eh. Friendship, not love, is what the makes the world go round, ika nga ni Artie Shaw. Sya nga ba nagsabi nun?

I'm in need of a good conversation. In need of a good friend. In need of love. That's why I love JJ's company. He does that. Sino pa? Di na ko makaisip. Sya na lang ang natira from the old days. Maybe that's why he gives that effect. That's what's sad. All your friends from before are not your friends anymore. Rhyme..

Saan na ako? Eto na naman ako. Lost na naman..

posted by introvert at 8:35:18 PM
. . .
Friday, February 04, 2005
I'm not a snob, am I?

posted by introvert at 5:53:22 PM
. . .
It seemed like such a laidback day in school today.

Good weather, sunny, but not that warm. Everybody seemed to be just hanging around.

Or maybe it's like that everyday. You just have to be able to see it.

Or maybe it's the fact that it's a Friday. I wouldn't know how Fridays are in school anymore, it's the first time in the year that I was there on a Friday.

Pat was just sitting in her tambayan, Jason was in the Sports Plaza (where the boys play basketball) with Alvin -- and as Pat mentions later, with Happy, too. What the hell was he doing with them? I don't know what happened. Why didn't I want to see him all of a sudden? Well, I had no choice, I saw him, but I didn't want to talk to him. Apparently neither did he. Or.. I dunno. When people look away, it's automatic that you don't want to have anything to do with them after that. Why do people look away? I'm sure he saw me. When I looked up he turned away. I know it's not because he has something against me or does not want to talk to me, or what the heck, I don't know and why do I even care? A note about the seemingly laidback day turns into some rant about some boy. Fuck, man. Fuck. Who cares about Jason?


Why do people look away, anyway. Lately I've been doing it too, although I'd rather that I don't. Must be the philosophy of If You Can't Beat Them Join Them in my subconcious. There's this girl who's Tin (Ditan)'s friend in Genders last term, who I gaily said hi to, and she just gave this forced smile plus a face like she had no idea who I was! Well, perhaps she doesn't. But I didn't forget who she was, how can she forget me? I remember laughing with her and Tin and Kathz at some point. Geezus. La Salle people are like that. Maybe in every college it's like that. You meet so many people in all your different classes and they only know you in that class. Out in the corridor, you're a stranger. And anywhere beyond the corridor.

Sigh. I miss him again. I want to find a time to be alone with him again, just like that day. Unfortunately adjustment day did not call for it. What now? I just didn't expect that he'd be one of those people who I'd try to avoid once they look away. Well. It's only today. It's not gonna happen again.

Heck - who am I kidding?

posted by introvert at 5:29:04 PM
. . .

. . .
current mood
. . .


piotr f.

© 2003-2005