Tuesday, November 30, 2004
I sense another lonely soul. She goes by the name of Tash.
It's actually December 1 already tomorrow..
. . .
Monday, November 29, 2004
I just realized -- I had a full weekend!
Friday, I don't really remember.. Probably did nothing!
Saturday, I was in UP to watch that dance show for Filipi3 (met up with Gel and Marian in Shang), went to Glorietta 4 to watch National Treasure. Got home late enough to sleep. But I didn't sleep that soon.
Sunday, I walked around UP with my dad. Dropped by Farmers Market, got home, then left again for Greenhills. Classic movie DVD shopping. Home, then left again for church. Then dinner.
Monday, today, was in Greenhills. Had lunch with Pia and Prichie and watched The Polar Express. Hung out with Anton. And stuff.
Nevertheless......... still on schedule! In terms of schoolwork. Well, sort of. Cramming a little, but manageable. Heh.
. . .
Nonstop rain! It's been raining since I was on my way to Greenhills this morning, and it still hasn't stopped..
The very unpredictable weather of the Philippines.
I was with Pia and Prichie in Greenhills. After lunch and a movie (The Polar Express.. cute, but they should have used real actors instead of animation..) we met up with Anton. Anton is Prichie's friend from UA&P. I met him before when they went to school for the student swap, but didn't get to talk to him much. Today, though, he turned out to be fun. Really friendly. I found him easy to talk to, and that is quite something -- considering that, you know, it's been difficult for me lately being around new people. Or perhaps it was just the fact that I was with Prichie and Pia that made me comfortable, or maybe because we actually had something to talk about with Anton.. Haha.
It was funny. I asked Prichie to ask Anton if he knew *toot*. Coz they went to the same high school. Turns out he does know him, and even refers to him using his last name. But he claims that they are not close, they don't even talk anymore. But they used to. But they were never classmates. The funny thing was, I didn't want Anton to know that I was the one asking. Naturally Anton wanted to know why Prichie asked, and we told him it was Cristal (who wasn't with us). At first he thought it was me coz he knows I'm from La Salle, but we convinced him (I hope) about Cristal. I think later on, though, he would have a feeling that we were bluffing. Anyway. I didn't want Prichie to, but she kept on fishing about him. How he looks like and all that. Anton answered her questions (and mine, I couldn't resist not asking either) but said that he couldn't say much since he doesn't see him anymore. He even had to call up his friend from DLSU and ask. "Nakikita mo ba si *toot* sa school?" Minsan lang daw. "Ano na itsura nya ngayon?" Mataba pa rin daw, lalo pang tumaba! Haha, di naman, I wanted to say. That guy on the phone even said he was "Papable" whatever the hell that means! Haha!! Goodness, if Anton knew that it was me inquiring, I'd be damned embarassed!! Which I kind of was. But not really. Heh. Anton even persisted on looking at Cristal's picture so he can say if bagay sila. Bagay daw. Hahaha. And the guy on the phone mentioned something about being in varsity, which of course I already know haha.
I can't recall the other stuff for now. But that for sure blew my chance of asking *toot* if he knew Anton. That would be something to talk about, since I was with Anton today. I don't want to ask him about Allan Garcia (schoolmate also) because I can't be sure if he knows him since Anton doesn't. Why am I even worrying about something to talk about? I'm gonna tell him I dreamt about him anyway. Haha. I just hope I do get a chance to talk to him tomorrow..
Anyway. Still raining. I saw in the CNN website that there's a storm. I want classes to be cancelled tomorrow but that means one more day of delay! Of seeing him. Haha. Well. I actually have work to do. And I wish to finish it tonight. So. Toodle-fucking-oo. Heheh.
. . .
Sunday, November 28, 2004
I was with my dad at Farmers' Market in Cubao, and I was helping him carry some of the plastic bags of fruits and vegetables. My plastic bag of melons accidentally hit a passerby's plastic bag, and one dude sitting by his market stall seemed very concerned. But he really was talking to himself.
He said, "Ay! Ano yun? ... Buti nalang hindi itlog yun."
It made me smile a big smile, and while dad was talking to the girl behind the bibingka counter, I was actually laughing, trying to hold it in, then laughing again.
Well. Good old mababaw me.
Anyways, before that, we were doing our Sunday morning walk. This time it was in UP Diliman. Great place to walk around.
Dad talked a lot. Of course I listened. But I was also thinking at the same time.
One thing I thought of was yesterday. Well, I was in UP yesterday. With Marian and James and Gel. UP always reminds me of the world I used to live in. The world I had always loved and still do. It was coincidental, I suppose, that we had to talk about the "real Manila" while we were on our way to that icon that is UP, one of the many icons of the Manila I know.
As usual, I kept quiet. Not quiet in the sense that I didn't talk, but I kept my thoughts to myself. Marian was saying she has to be exposed, that ICA was isolated, "I don't know what planet we're from," yada yada yada. Coz we were in Quezon Ave. Well, I didn't know myself that Quezon Ave was a "kababalaghan" place, haha well that's on my naivete, it never occured to me that these "kababalaghan" places were known to be in particular streets, I just thought they were scattered around the metro. Which they are of course, but I didn't think Quezon Ave in particular was one "red-light district" or something, I suppose I never occupied myself with "kababalaghan" thoughts. I only remember thinking Quezon Ave was cool coz that's where Dale worked at PinoyCentral. Heh.
I was more interested in other places, also "real" places but not "kababalaghan" so to speak haha. I was interested in Tomas Morato, Timog Ave, Espaņa, Malate, what-have-you. Nightlife you may call it. But not the Eastwood kind of nightlife. The real Filipino nightlife. Well if you say there are "kababalaghan" in those places, well, I know nothing of it. And not just nightlife, but day-life too if you may call it that. I liked Robinsons Place, SM malls, marketplaces, pasyalan sa Intramuros at Luneta, UP, and lots of others. My point here is, I used to live in the real world. Now I live in a dream.
It's just kind of ironic, since people always say "Welcome to the real world" when you enter college. That's why I never could understand that line when people said it to me. What is the real world? There's no such thing as a real world, John Mayer sang. Needless to say, I already was experiencing the real world. And by the time I got to college, it was all behind me, and I was looking for something else, and I guess I didn't find it, and it made me resort to dreaming instead.
But dad took me places, and I rediscovered this Manila, I saw Cinemasquare in Makati, Quiapo, Recto, and studying in Taft Ave brought me to love Manila all over again. I remember studying every detail of the road I pass going to school, reading all the street signs I can find, I even learned that you can know where you are by the distinct style of the street sign. Makati has white street signs with green text, Manila has bright green signs with white block letters, San Juan has dark green, etc. I observed the "kababalaghan" bars around Makati, the growing Korean community of Makati, Sta. Mesa motels, the Lutheran church near them, the Jehovah's Witnesses kingdom halls, the old-fashioned train, the homes along da riles.. But I pass them every single day and soon enough I began to take it for granted and was dreaming again. I forgot about all the awesome places I know and complained how life could be so monotonous, how Galle, Podium, Megamall, Shang looked alike and there's nothing you can do in them.
It's just a cycle, basically. Now and then I am reminded that I am dreaming, reminded of the "real Manila", just like yesterday. Then I'm in touch with it again, appreciating UP and Farmers Market and Filipino breakfast, like today. Then God knows, I'll be back in a reverie.
Perhaps I can't blame myself. In this trapped life of being stuck at home and in school, one can't do much but dream. If I were as free as I wished, I'd have explored as much as I wanted. Or would I, really?
Anyhow. Another thought was that boys do get away with everything. This was from dad's stories. He talked a lot, I told you. He was saying, "mga lalake akala nila nakakalusot sila eh." It's not just "akala". They do get away with it. I remember Jeck telling me not to worry too much about getting caught, because I'd just be sermoned once, and that's it. But that's not really the way it works. For my bro, it could be like that. But for gals like me? I don't think so.
Look at my brother. He's done so many crazy things already. But he's always forgiven. He goes home late. He goes places without asking permission. He goes to Galle every Friday for God's sake! I never could do that before, even if my school was right beside Galle. He sneaks the car out at night. He meets girls. And all that jazz. My parents don't seem to mind. Well, ok, they do. But they don't make too much big a deal about it. Imagine me and my sister going out late at night? Geez, my dad used to accompany us whenever we did that! And we never could have gone places without asking them. My bro has been everywhere. And if me or my sister went out with boys, they'd be watching our backs. If me or my sister sneaked the car out, we'd be grounded for life. But my bro? Dad says he's grounded, but he never really is.
And of course there's the age old issue of my bro being allowed to commute, while me and my sister can't. My bro drives the car, while my sister who has taken lessons even before my bro did, cannot. It's the fucking double standard, and Dad can't seem to understand that's it's unfair.
Those are the sort of things walking makes you think about. It's good for you.
. . .
"Dreams are the subconscious' way of communicating with your inner most feelings and desires."
It was anonymously posted as a comment on James' blog, but I have a great feeling it was Marian who did it..
Well, when I read it, my hands jumped right away to my heart. Hahaha. Drama or what.
Two more days can't be that long..
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Saturday, November 27, 2004
I don't know what to tell her anymore. Her life is a mess. She may think I don't understand. But I do. I've been through what she's going through. She asks for advice. But what can I say? I didn't know what to do myself. And up until now, I still don't know what I should have done.
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Thursday, November 25, 2004
Okaayyyyy the following dreams that I've had after that long strange one are all about HIM! dammit. Do dreams mean anything? Well, it's not really about him, he's not necessarily in them, but the idea of him is there! Just refer to my dream blog..
Then today I found myself waiting for him at the South Gate. Even if I knew it was impossible for him to be there. Dammit.. Suddenly I'm itching to talk to him! Buhay nga naman..
While waiting, there was a lady who went over to the information desk saying something about her ID and some temporary pass. She turned out to be an alumni. When the clerk asked her last name, she said ... !! Well, what do you know. She had the same last name as he does! Then when I got into the car, it was traffic, and Mom was saying was something about the coding being suspended because of the transpo strike.. and she had to mention his high school. I'm just not sure if she said they had or didn't have school today..
Gosh. I wish I see him tomorrow. And just him. And just me. No Chip. No Marian. Haha! Yuck, yuck talaga!
Rolly was nice to chat with tonight. Made me smile. Glad to be friends with him again, but I hope.. that history wouldn't repeat itself. But if it does, I suppose I should face it. After all, natamaan ako sa sinabi ni Sir Unson about running away from everything..
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Answers to questions I never could have or never wanted to answer before:
If you were a band, what band would that be? --> 311. It's the positive outlook. But not completely positive, having a few songs about the downer side of life.
What is the one thing that you need right now? --> A psychoanalyst. Indeed.
Life is.. --> One big question mark. Indeed!
Wala lang, trip trip lang..
Yuck, ano ba yan! Back to old skul language ampowta.
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Buhay nga naman! Layp is just one big question mark. No sense anymore.. No sense in tyring to make other people understand..
Although........... Am I just overreacting? Do I really have a problem? But I can't go on thinking and telling myself and trying to believe that I don't have a problem.. because I think I do. Or do I, really? Grabe talaga.. I need a psychoanalyst! God damn it!
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Wala lang, click lang ako ng click sa friendster kanina tapos natuklasan ko na.. cute si Chard ampowta haha ganon yata ang gusto kong guy haha, no, not the EJO type not the ERROL type although naaaliw ako sa kanila, pero ang gusto ko ay ang CHARD TYPE!! awwwwwwwwwwww Chard.........hehehehe napaganun ako nung nakita ko profile nya saka testimonials. Ewan ko ba tahimik kasi hehehe cute!! hehehehe
Pero Chard type lang ang gusto ko, at hindi si Chard mismo. Haha labo amputs.
Okei di ko na naman nagawa yung aking film analysis sa Litera.. pero ok lang, ayoko na, wala na akong pake!!!
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Monday, November 22, 2004
Tangina di ako makapaniwala, two years ago na pala ampowta! 2002 pa yon pakshet! at prends na kami nung 2001. haha. ampowta. 3 fucking yrs ago. and i may be wrong, but i think we didnt talk for an entire year until he discovered me in friendster..
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DaNiCa`> makakalaya na ako...taena, stuck ako sa sch at bahay e..buhay nga naman
Ok, so I'm not alone..
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Sunday, November 21, 2004
What am I doing? I am such an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!
One text message, and it changes your mood?
Well, naturally, I suppose, but.. I am so sick of myself.
And that's another problem. Why am I so sick of all these mood swings.. are they only natural? Why don't I like the feelings that come over me? Huh? Labo ba nun? Haha. Shit. Ako talaga ay isang MALABO! amputa.
. . .
You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry
with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone
and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy
and you try and cling on to the past with dear life
but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.
..from the "Quarter Life Crisis" e-mail that used to go around.. I could so relate at this point in my life, even if I'm not in my twenties yet. And this "crisis" has been going on too long because I remember receiving this e-mail years ago and relating to it! The hell is wrong with me.
For one thing, I think I'm too hooked up on the past. I know I've come to realize that I need to move forward (refer to the last post), but the memory of the greatest period of my life sometimes still comes to eat me.
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Saturday, November 20, 2004
I've been wondering how people could be with other people and all these memories come to them and they just have to talk nonstop about them.
When I find myself in the company of others, my mind goes blank. Always ready to listen to what they have to say, not having anything to say myself.
The gig last night was a tad bit boring. I was tellin' Maya, "Wala na yata akong hilig manuod ng gig.." It's sad, though, to think that I've outgrown something as beautiful as that world..
The music has been great. I still love underground rock music, but I suppose it's also to say that I've outgrown it. The way I see it, there ain't nothin' more to explore in it. There are new songs, new bands, I know, but they don't tickle my fancy anymore. A few songs being an exception -- such as The Shins "New Slang". But when you think of it, that song isn't very new anymore, in fact I think it's three years old. Anyhow.. my point is, I find myself now more interested in the past. Not just the early 20th century past that I've been crazing about, not just the jazz and early American pop, but also about the past of my youth, the indie and old skool songs of the 90s, etc.
Only in movies now am I interested in finding out about the latest.
Also last night I was telling myself that it would be the last gig I'd ever go to. But of course I can't really tell if I'd still go to one more. God knows. But that gig has finally convinced me that I don't need to go anymore, that it doesn't have an effect on me anymore, that it isn't as enjoyable anymore.
It's a sad idea, but I totally have no emotions about it. That idea has crossed my mind a number of times before, and last night was just the event that pushed me to believe it.
There's no point anymore in trying to find where I fit in. It is better to wait for that one thing that will make me happy, whatever it is, a place, a group of people, a hobby, a guy.. God knows if there is ever such a thing. For the meantime, though, better just enjoy what is there to enjoy, especially all this time I have for myself.
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Friday, November 19, 2004
Good God! I am missing somebody.. Haha, or it could just be my imagination.. but damn.. darn that dream, it made me miss him! Well, I saw him today anyway haha but damn, it sucked! Ahh... fuckshit. No possibility for me to be his classmate next term.
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Thursday, November 18, 2004
I don't know what I'm doing with my life (for one thing, why did I promise I would go tomorrow?) and I don't know what I'm gonna do with it!
. . .
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Honestly! When will all this nonsense stop?
I just want to begin my world tour right this moment..
. . .
It's settled.
However..
I feel like such an idiot.
I am such an awkward person. And I hate it.
If there is one thing killing me, it's Life itself.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Shit! What am I gonna do! Anna and Anya is not going on Friday! How am I gonna get there? How am I gonna go home? I can't let my parents not make me go! No.. shit, what am I gonna tell them, who I'll be with? Oh God.. dilemmas, dilemmas! I can tell Mom that I'm going with a friend from chat, but then what will she think? Am I gonna risk it by telling her? Or will she accept? Shit.. worst of all, what will Dad think? Shit, man, shit!!! I don't want to lie, see..
Anyway.. change of topic. Mom said at dinner, "So you had a good day today, huh.." in response to my announcement that I passed the Lit qualifying exam. Ironically.. I had a bad day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, not so bad. But it wasn't very good. Loneliness strikes again. Well, it's always been there and I've taken it for granted, but the sadness of it sometimes strikes, and today it struck pretty hard. =(
Don't get me wrong, though. My comment before the change of topic has got nothing to do with it..
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Monday, November 15, 2004
Yeh. I like this song. Some of These Days, Ted Lewis with Sophie Tucker although it's not the Darn That Dream-A Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody type, not the type that you like the first time you hear it, but the type that you gotta hear over and over before you like it.. see..
Four weeks until finals, and I can't wait.. oh boy..
. . .
I don't want to go to school tomorrow, wah!
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Lovin' this song - New Slang by The Shins.
I am very lazy. As always. Do I really have to keep busy with school.. "Duh-uh!!"
Friday. What's gonna happen on Friday? Nothing's gonna happen on Friday..
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Saturday, November 13, 2004
You have one new message and that one new message turns out to be spam.
Now isn't that sad.
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Thursday, November 11, 2004
Bagong motto sa buhay: KAKAYANIN KUNG KAILANGAN!!!!!!
Hehehe, I told that to Pia recently when she was complaining about her majors. Well, for my schedule next term, kakayanin ko yung tuluy-tuloy kong schedule na T-Th-S (ibig sabihin 1 hour & a half yung T-Th classes at 3 hours sa Sabado) dahil kailangan! Hehe. Kakayanin ko 'to, men.
. . .
Ok, so Mariel Ferrer from the Rice Mag yahoogroups is actually Mariel from Spanone. I've been noticing something about that girl.. Hmm..
Finally it's Friday tomorrow and there is no school on Monday, woohoo.
Looks like my schedule next term is gonna suck. T-Th-S!!
I am greatly saddened by the death of Yasser Arafat (1929-2004). All my respects. I really have a thing for great men..
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004
The Lonesome Traveler
I told Mom about Marian inviting me to Punta Fuego next weekend. I told her I still have to decide whether or not to go. I want to go because I want to get away for a while, and hey, it's the beach. But then she'd be inviting a whole of other people too and I don't want to go because I don't want to socialize anymore..
Yeah I actually told Mom that, would you believe it.
Her response: "Ang aga mo naman mapagod magsocialize.."
Well, when I think of it, it's only natural. I mean, hey, in high school I socialized like crazy. It must have been too much for me. Because although I wasn't very comfortable with it (as Mom said it's just not my character), I do remember jumping at every chance to get up and meet people. I hardly had any time for myself, as I look back at it. All I cared about was my friends and new acquaintances, however little I knew them. As I look back, I didn't really care about what I wanted, I didn't care about the things I wanted to do, and that the reason I loved going to gigs was not just the music but the people..
And that's why now I'm doing so much.. Now that I've given it all up, I have time for myself - time to study music (piano, clarinet), time to finish my long list of books to read, movies as well, and more attention to music (discovered jazz, classical music, etc.).
But of course it has a price. It makes me lonely sometimes (take note, only sometimes, haha) and going on too long without a social life makes it difficult to adjust to a social setting such as, well, school. And "parties" or get-togethers such as that of Marian's next weekend are avoided, because of lack of confidence. And although I'd love to return to watching gigs, I don't want to have to go through seeing old friends whom you have nothing to say to anymore, or simply being around a lot of people who you may or may not know.. ah, whatever, it's complicated. Heh.
This is where the phrase "Lonesome Traveler" entered my mind. It's the only thing I want to do.. to be alone and travel. Haha. Coz I've learned that you only really get to do what you wish when you are alone, not having to consider what other people like.. But hey I'm not a complete anti-social, I still love my friends but.. oh, I don't know!
Kerouac had such a life. He described himself as "not 'beat' but strange solitary crazy Catholic mystic..."
Now isn't that me? Haha.. feeler!
Read http://www.tijean.freeserve.co.uk/lonesomeintro.htm
It's about Jack Kerouac's Lonesome Traveler, and boy, have I got to read that book of his!
Bago ko siyang idol, hahaha, damn, that man lived my dreams! Through that site, I discovered that you can still be a traveler even if you are penniless, just like he did. Boy.. just earlier this evening I was thinking that the only way I see myself in the future is as a lonesome traveler. As I wrote in my cellphone: Traveling? That would be applying all that I've read and watched, all the art I've absorbed. Is that what I'm meant to do? It's the only strong dream that I have. Writer, filmmaker, photographer, musician?! What do I want to be, I don't know, I just know that I have got to travel. Just like Jack Kerouac.. little did I know that the phrase Lonesome Traveler is a book title by Jack Kerouac! Until I googled it just this moment.. Hehehe. He has led the life I have been dreaming about.. The only kind of life that I have been strongly wanting in the future, turns out to be the life that Kerouac led..
. . .
On Blur's Parklife:
This is such a great album!! Talo yung self-titled!
Hehehe.. I'll bet the albums before and after Parklife are good, too.
. . .
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Ok, everybody seems to have a boy now.
Well, of course there's Marian who has James.
And yesterday Maya called up to tell me about Rene. (Although they're finished.)
Then today I got Tash to tell me about Carlos.
And then I find myself wanting to have one too. Haha..
It's amazing, I found out too that Tash met JJ. I dunno, I guess what makes it amazing is that she asked out of the blue if I knew him because she found him awesome. She said about him, "Mukha siyang taga-70s!!"
Yeah, I was happy today. I don't take those things for granted anymore. Those nice little talks with old friends like the one with Tash today. It's something that doesn't happen with me too often these days anymore.
But then.. as I wrote in a little 1/4 piece of yellow paper during Histciv: Di ko alam kung bakit ang tahimik ko. Tahimik in the sense na hindi ako nagkukuwento. Hindi tulad nila.. natatandaan nila yung little things tapos kinukwento nila pag may pagkakataon. Ako lang ba yung ganito? Wala akong kilalang ganito. Sarili ko lang.. Hay buhay! Pero.. I like listening. But.. sometimes I also wish I could share..
Tash said she's suplada and that's why she has many boys. "Maging suplada ka rin para marami ka rin boys." Kaya nga ako walang boys eh dahil suplada ako! Haha. How come I always think of replies when it's too late to say them.
As for Marian.. what she's going through now, I've gone through before. Almost exact.. although I haven't told her about that, I don't know why. The gist is, there's a main guy yet you still have many boys. I don't know if she really loves James, but the way I see it she doesn't. She just thinks so, just like I did. But I can't really say that for sure about her.
So what happened to all my boys? It was difficult to for me to sneak out. Although I'd have to say na-inspire ako kay Tash who has the same type of parents as I do but she always finds a way to go out with Carlos. Haha. But also, I got sick of it. Isn't it nice to have a close guy friend but then suddenly he admits he likes you, and then you end up not being friends anymore? Well, I'm not the type who "develops" with guys easily so it's hard for me. Haha.
Wala lang. That's all I wanted to share. Although it only came to me in the car on the way home. Just when it's too late to share it with Tash and Marian. Heh.
. . .
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Damon Albarn is the musical equivalent of Jude Law.
When I hear Blur, I can't help picturing Jude Law.
If Jude Law would sing, he would be Damon Albarn..
. . .
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Just finished watching Sex And The City. The channel is now switched to CNN -- tuned in to the US elections!
Before Sex And The City, was in Anna & Anya's house. That was fun. I gave them the tiramisu I made for them, and borrowed their Blur CD. It was nice to be in their whole family's company while they tasted my tiramisu and I ate along with them. Also talked to Anna & Anya about movies, Jude Law, and other stuff. Hehe.
Before Anya's house, was in the hospital. Been waiting there the whole time since I got there from school. Had dinner out with Ricco and Villongco in the Thai restaurant in MegaStrip beside Super Bowl of China. There was a gay guy named Lemon who accomodated us from the moment we intended to park in front of the place. Inside, he turned out be our server. Funny guy. Even waved goodbye when we were off back to the hospital.
Last night I saw Jude Law. Haha. I even had a dream about him, although I remembered it only when I was in school. I dreamt that I saw in the Cinemax website that he had three movies showing this month. Haha. I can only wish..
The past weekend was an unusual weekend, Dad being in the hospital and all. Wasn't able to visit the cemetery. We divide our time between hospital and home. And when we are home, my bro and I have the whole house to ourselves. Wake up, do our own breakfast. We even go out for lunch and dinner by ourselves and just bring Mom some food. It's just something new.
What I'm into these days: Blur, Jude Law (British dudes), and a renewed interset in Sex And The City
. . .
Monday, November 01, 2004
Boy, is it nice to be on vacation.
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