nothing feels good
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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Sunday, March 28, 2004
hay shet naiinlove ako kay artie shaw......................*sigh*.. uy, buhay pa yung mokong! hehehehe...can u bilib it?

posted by introvert at 10:45:22 AM
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Friday, March 26, 2004
I was just reading through my past posts again.. and coming across one of my entries that mentioned Bangkok, I suddenly remembered that guy in red seated at the bus next to ours.

We were in a crowded street in Chinatown, on the way somewhere; probably the Palace. Cars and "tok-toks" everywhere, plus a couple of buses here and there. I remember sitting at the back part of the tour bus, by the window, beside my mom. Naturally, I would be looking out the window, surveying the buildings of Chinatown.. another bus was in the street, beside us, except for some cars in between our bus and the other one.. then somehow my eye caught the eye of some guy wearing red in the other bus, then heck, he SMILED. Not an innocent smile, at that. It was as if he knew something.. He reminded me of Prichie's eldest brother, and for a minute there I wondered if it could possibly have been him.. but I doubt. I stared at him -- not knowing what to do, I turned to my mom instead, who was looking straight ahead, probably listening to the tour guide talking and talking and talking. I turned to look at the guy again, and he still had the smile on. I couldn't take it, so I took my eyes off him and settled on the tour guide instead.

Whenever I remember this, I wonder what was up with that guy in red, and who he is, did I know him, do I know him, maybe not probably not, hell, I don't know anyone from Thailand. Maybe he's just one of those guys who smiles at every girl, or maybe he wasn't smiling at ME. Hah. But I do want to know who he is, God knows I need to meet new people.. new, strange people, people who are very different from everyone I've been talking to lately or at least I need a new kind of relationship aside from just those hi-hello-how-are-you relationships. I probably need (or at least WANT) to meet people outside this everybody-knows-everybody society of ours.

posted by introvert at 6:37:30 PM
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Thursday, March 25, 2004
OK, so I'm better off studying with the music blaring loud. Turns out what Ms. GenPsyc said doesn't work for me.

For the past few days I've been trying to do my schoolwork with a dead silence in my room besides the sound of the electric fan. Well, I always ended up lying in bed and, next thing I know, it's morning already.

According to Ms. GenPsyc, we would recall better while taking the exam if the state in which we studied for it was similar to that when we would be taking the exam.. that is, sitting in a chair in front of a desk in silence.

Well, it's 9pm, and unlike the previous nights, I have actually accomplished something -- even if only one of the three assignments for tomorrow. At least I did get to finish something.. and I believe this soothing music that my Winamp has been randomly selecting, this guitar-dominated music of my not-so-recent past, has got something to with it.

posted by introvert at 9:02:11 PM
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Monday, March 22, 2004
I cannot wait for this goddamn term to end! Four more damned weeks..

March, all right! You said it! And it sucks! To feel this way! I hate this feeling.. fucking hate it right now. I don't know what's going on (as I always tell myself - although I think I do know what is going on..) ....?! Hay! Crazy ass piece of shit. It's dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb!

posted by introvert at 5:26:58 PM
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Thursday, March 18, 2004
This afternoon when Chem class was cancelled, Marian and I went instead to some talk about studying abroad. We got there late, so the only country we got to listen to was Canada, which is just where Marian wants to study.

After the talk, she asked me, "If you were to choose just between the two, either the US or Canada, where would you study?"

She normally asks those kinds of questions, those "What would you do if you were given a chance" kind of questions, which I never really liked answering. Mainly because I don't know what to answer, I mean, I'm an anything goes person; or when I do know the answer, I don't get to communicate effectively what I really do intend to say. Which, then, results in misunderstanding most of the time, because she thinks I mean something when I mean something else. But we never talk about misunderstanding each other, we just pretend that we do understand. Heh. Yes, my relations with this girl are what I would call odd and at some point, sad.

It reminds me of Frances, though, who also likes asking those sorts of questions. But she's okay, she's my sister -- there's no need in worrying about misunderstanding with her.

Anyway, back to Marian's question -- I answered it anyway. Of course I didn't need to think about it. I told her straight away that I would choose America. And she said in a way I didn't particularly like, "A lot of people would choose America, I'm just wondering why."

I didn't like because it felt like she was saying that choosing America was bad, just because a lot of people would choose it. I wanted to tell her a lot of things about America and why I love it, but then as I mentioned, I didn't get to communicate it effectively. Hence, she didn't understand, just nodded and.. I don't know, we just continued walking I guess.

I don't know why she asks a lot of questions but doesn't listen to my answers anyway. Perhaps it's why I cut my answers short.

Well, this was what I wanted to say:

If I were there right now, I'd be doing so many things. The man who was talking for Canada this afternoon said that in Canada, you would get to do things that you wouldn't get to do in the Philippines. Well, in the States, you get to do things that you couldn't do elsewhere, not even in Canada.

I know there are a hell lot of people who want to live in the States. But I don't think many of them have the same reasons as I do.

If I were there, I'd be jumping from city to city, watching the underground bands of the area I happen to be in, going to those old movie festivals they usually have (or even those of the latest art-house movies), and when I'm in New York, I'd be seeing all those Broadway shows. But most of all, what I want to do is to just see and experience it. America is such a dreamy place, but not many people look at it that way.

Of course I want to experience firsthand what I have been reading about for a long, long time. I want to experience New York, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Francisco, New Orleans, Chicago, and practically every American city there is, plus all those picture-perfect small towns. I'm a sucker for history, and I've read a hell lot about America's history. Not just political history, but the history of its music, movies, literature, etc. and whenever I'm in a place with that much history, I get a feeling of the past mixed with the present, and it's nice. Period. That's one reason why I like Intramuros, because it takes me back to the time of the Spaniards.

Anyway, I'm sure lots of people read a lot about America too, but they just don't realize that most of what they're reading -- or watching, or listening to -- is actually American. Well, I, too, happen to devour a lot of American music, movies, literature, culture, history, food and what-have-you and since I know that they're from one country, I appreciate that country where it's all coming from. It is what keeps me from falling into that trap of two-mindedness, if there is such a term. People love America for their power, yet they laugh when that power is beginning to fall.

Well, to hell with politics, and to hell with power. I'm not a sucker for America because of its power, of its privileges, of its cold weather, of its white men and women. I dream of America because of its rich history and culture. I dream of jazz, of Hollywood, of Arthur Freed, Gene Kelly, and Frank Sinatra, of Hemingway and Fitzgerald, of Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Kerouac, of The Promise Ring, Braid, the Pixies, and 311 and everything they represent. I dream of its legend. Yes, America is a legend, but nobody realizes it yet. Just like Britain is a legend because it was once the superpower.

Everyone probably has a certain country which they are crazy about or which they would want to live in if they were kicked out of their own country. Marian has Japan, Frances has the UK; well, I have the United States of America.

posted by introvert at 6:59:19 PM
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I have a tendency to believe in fate, no matter how stupid it sounds. Even to me it sounds stupid at times. I don't want to change the schedule I already made for next term because I think that's how God wanted my schedule to be. And if I change it.. I might just miss out on something that was meant for my original schedule.. you know what I mean?

posted by introvert at 7:43:18 PM
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Saturday, March 13, 2004
Goddammit my legs are killing me. But I can survive walking around the whole day rather than doing that extraordinary kind of ROTC exercise for thirty minutes.

Here I am alive and kicking right now with only four hours of sleep. Long day yesterday -- damn, I feel it's been a week -- normal Friday routine with that dull 2-hour break and Lab class, hurried home for a rest and to enroll online for next term (which didn't really give me time to rest, actually), and hurried to the CCP for Incubus. Went home after the concert, fixed my stuff for the next day, went to sleep at 1am then woke up 5am (sakto, pinagdasalan ko kasi hehehe..) took a shower, arrived at school 6:30 am for that mass exercise for the special units in ROTC.. then got a sudden invitation from Pia and Cristal to go to Megamall that afternoon, so I went to Megamall after having lunch at home.. then went back home. Chatting with Kim right now.

This much I can say about the Incubus concert: Unang una, bitin siya at feeling mo nalugi ka.. hehe but then again, think of the other people who paid 2,000 pesos. Another thing, I saw Jeck who said he was with some other #mosh-pit people, but amazingly enough (to myself, at least) I cared none for wanting to see/meet any of them. Must have meant that I've "move on".. haha. There were lotsa ppl, but I think there were more in the Pulp concerts. Probably because they were cheaper.. And oh, I was with Anna and Anya of course. I missed them lots. It was fun to be watching a concert with them again. This concert being, perhaps my first one of the year. How rarely I see bands these days anymore. It's sad. Overall, the concert was fun (especially Certain Shade and Pardon Me) but it wasn't much.

I didn't think I would go to ROTC today, considering the Incubus concert the night before. But unexpected as it was, it ended TOO early and so I decided I might as well attend ROTC. Not just the normal ROTC at that -- that got-darn mass exercise thingy which killed the hell out of me this morning at 7 am. And as it turned out, I'm now promoted to SP trainee.. I'm getting farther from where I really want to be, which is simply the Regulars of ROTC.. huhu, but I guess God is doing this for me since I don't get that urge to quit SP altogether and still doing what they tell us to do. He has his reasons.

Megamall was okay. Seeing Cristal and Pia were great. Miss those two freaks. Miss all of them. Nothing to say about that. It took just a while. Around an hour. But I was happy to see them.

Indeed, it is reunion weekend. Last night, Anna and Anya. Today, Cristal and Pia. And just minutes ago, Kim. Tsk. The best friends I have are those who I see or talk to very rarely. That includes Maya.. pakshet, ang lungkot no?! Pero bakit ako walang ginagawa about it? Kasi nga I want to be alone. And maybe the fact that these people "give" me time to be alone albeit not conciously probably (to some extent lang naman) accounts for their being my greatest friends. And maybe that's why I hardly invite them out, instead, they invite me. Heh.

OK. Whatever. I'm going to sleep now. NOW I'm sleepy. This is worthless writing. At times like these I feel like posting just for the sake of it.

posted by introvert at 6:55:31 PM
. . .
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Wow, Adorable! (Sa Winamp ko ngayon.) Heh.

Putangna. 3-11 Day pala bukas. Shet. Wish ko makapanuod ng 311. Live. Sana makasama ako dun sa New Orleans!!


Well, today I was surprised -- and not to mention, happy -- to find out that Dr. Lee gave me a 4.0 for my "Does Technology Undermine Human Values?" paper. First of all, I was cramming it (don't I always?) and I didn't think I actually answered the question. Second, when I submitted my paper, he disapproved of it immediately, saying, "One page only?"

And then when he returned it this morning, he had to announce to the class who got 4.0's and a bonus grade for submitting early, my name included.. hah! Plus a "beautiful work" comment.. hah, again.

Reading my paper again, I still don't think I answered the question. Not including the question before my answer could have helped, for he probably read it and forgot to regard the question and just went on grading it..

posted by introvert at 9:36:26 PM
. . .
Friday, March 05, 2004
Today was CLA day. Aside from taking pictures around the university for Rice mag, my day consisted of attending my Jprizal class, submitting Tess's and my paper for Introso to Dr. Lee, skipping Filipi1 for the Arts Clash Variety Show in the William Theatre which featured some interesting band named Pinas, I think, for the finale (they played Sting's Englishman in New York song, Incubus' Anti-Gravity, and a Dave Matthews song), had a good lunch of seafood rice and fresh buko shake in Ersao, deciding to skip Clabart since we had no lab gown and materials, going back to William for some stand-up comedy show to pass time before the schedule Marian and I signed up for palm-reading, and lastly -- well, having my palm read.

That last one was probably the most significant of all that I did today. I don't know if I should believe it, but some of what the fortune-teller had told me is interesting. Although there are also some of it that are quite unexpected..

Forgive me if I include Tagalog words here. He spoke in Tagalog, and if I write how he said it almost exactly, its essence would not be lost.

Well, he first asked my birthday and then wrote down some numbers in the 1/4 pad paper. Then (this I cannot believe) he said that by this year -- yes, this year, 2004, at the month of either March or May "iibig ako ng matindi". Wo-hoah!!! Which seems quite impossible, considering my present attitude towards love and the nearness of those months. Heck, it's March already. I still do not believe it right this minute and I don't think it will happen but if it does.. well, I don't know whether to thank God or not.

The following shouldn't be in order now, since I can't remember which he said ahead of which. Anyhow, he said that I would have three relationships, the third ending up in marriage but then my husband and I would live far away from each other.. "siya sa America, ikaw dito, o kaya ikaw sa America, siya dito.." (America is just an example though) and we would have three children. One of my hands had 2 lines in relation to kids, while the other had 4, but he said the 2 wouldn't have the 4, so I would have three... hm...... he also mentioned that "matalino kang tao, makatuwiran, pag may plano ka, aksyon ka agad." And, he wrote "masipag sa trabaho" in the paper, although I can't remember if he was referring to me. I would be succesful in businesses concerning "lupa," "groceries," or "arts," as was also written in the paper. He says that the course I'm taking up right now would be of help to my success and I think he even mentioned the word rich -- or "yaman". And that "makilala ka sa lipunan tulad ng pagkasikat ni Nida Blanca.." o diba!! He said something about the similarity of my brithday to Nida Blanca's.. don't know exactly what that meant, though -- how did Nida Blanca become famous? And finally he said that the man I will marry is either Virgo, Cancer, or Taurus, and whose name begins with either A, J, or M. He also scribbled a bunch of numbers which are supposed to be birthdays..

Well, that's all I can remember for now. Most of which are written on the paper he gave me.. somehow I believe in it, although that doesn't mean I believe it will happen.. it's just that he said things that struck me. He mentioned my dreams just by reading my palm. He didn't just mention, he said it's my future. It could be that my dreams are printed in my palms, not my future. But whatever the case, believe in palm-reading or not, I liked what he said and it sort of gave me hope. Kind of just what I needed.

Success in the arts, becoming known to society, and that my course will be of use in the future. Those are what struck me. Now I realize that where I am right now possibly is my stepping stone to where I want to go. I've made myself believe that Literature is the right course for me, that it can teach me something, in spite of the fact that almost everybody tells me that there is no future in it. And hearing this man I've never met say the opposite to me was just, WOW. Same goes for what he said about being successful in the arts (although he said it together with groceries and land business), and becoming a known figure in society (and with the mention of Nida Blanca.. not that I idolize her, I hardly know her, but again I liked what he said. Must be her glamor..). Those are exactly the dreams I have for myself that I never really had much confidence in. But again, hearing him say it gave me hope. I don't necessarily believe all these stuff, I myself don't know if I should, but I know that I do believe IN it. Meaning I believe that these fortunes have SENSE but I don't expect them to happen, nor do I expect that they will happen. Just in between; I should see for myself how it'll all turn out.

Again, it doesn't matter whether these things are to be believed or not, all I can say is that it made me happy and at least gave me a little direction in my life or some kind of confidence in my dreams and in my current status. Basta, natulungan ako. Yun na yun. Amen.

Meanwhile, for the entire day the song in my head was, "Hey you.. do you remember me? I used to sit next to you at school.."

posted by introvert at 6:23:55 PM
. . .
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Do you know. That Harry James is the man. His trumpet is the coolest. I wonder why there will be class tomorrow. WILL there be class tomorrow? I wonder if I'll ever be a writer. If I'm ever good enough to be a writer. It seems an attractive profession to me, and it is what I've been assuming lately. I mean, I am at a complete loss as to what I will be when I grow up, there are just so many things I want to do but then not too confident about my skills. Although not that skillful, writing is what's been in my head for what seems a long time, maybe because it's the only constant thing I do.. but then, that's writing - in my JOURNAL. Does writing in your journal make you a possible great writer? It's your journal. You're writing mostly about YOURSELF. Writers don't just write about themselves. Great writers I mean. They are observers. They write what they see. But me? How come I only seem to write about myself? The only thing I CAN write about is myself.

Ask me about anything. I wouldn't know what to say, really. Well, yeah, I also don't know what to say about myself when asked, but you know, all I write about really is my life. Is that all I know? My own life? Well, of course.. heck, I don't understand. What the fuck.

My point is writers observe the world. And they write about it. But I am not an observer. Not anymore. I think I used to be. I used to be pretty aware. Now I'm not. Now I live in a fantasy world of 20th century classic jazz music, of the glory and glamour of Hollywood or any other movie industry, of books written 30 or more years ago. Aside from the movies, I practically live in the past. I like old music and old books and to some extent old movies, although I do appreciate a greater deal of contemporary movies. I live in the past; I no longer have much interest in the present which is what I actually want to write about. But is that possible? Having no interest in what you want to write about?

All I write about are my problems. My thoughts and my feelings. Regarding myself. That's what I've become. A self-centered son of a bitch. And as I think of it now, it's sickening. I suppose there's nothing wrong with writing about yourself, but it's been around 3 years since my first journal entry. I wish I could write about something else for a change. I wish I could have more interest in current events like I did before. It's a good thing to write about. Or have more interest in the world around me. Instead of keeping my interest to myself. And write about it.

Admit it. I'm not a writer. I wonder what aspiring writers like myself are writing about these days..

posted by introvert at 8:16:07 PM
. . .
Monday, March 01, 2004
Grabe shet summer na ang init!!

Smells like summer. Feels like summer. It is summer, but it ain't quite summer yet for me. How wish it is, though.

posted by introvert at 4:52:33 PM
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current mood
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piotr f.

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