Friday, January 30, 2004
"Did you hear the lines that guy was singing?"
Pat stared at me. "Something about lying awake?"
The song is often played on the radio, but the only line I ever heard from it was the "I hate everything about you" part. "He said, 'I hate everything about you.. why do I love you?'" I told her.
Pat, turning to look at the radio, made a face. She seemed to try to listen to the lyrics but the refrain part was over.
"It's funny," I began. "'Coz I knew someone before, and I liked everything about him. But I didn't like him."
"That's a weird feeling," She said. "You like everything about him -- but you don't like him."
I looked down. "I know," I said sadly. "It's like.. sayang."
***
Bob Dylan. Stuck Inside The Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again.
George Harrison. My Sweet Lord.
OK here I am with the beginnings of my 70s music. They sound strangely beautiful. Sounds like the 70s of course.. but hell, I wish to God I am able to describe how they sound like and how they make me feel. The same time travel/nostalgic feeling I guess, but something different. I guess it's because I've often heard the music of this time before, except that I never listened to it. I guess that's how it feels.. like listening to familiar music for the first time..
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Habol lang: I think I should read more. An escape mechanism and at the same it will probably teach me a bunch of lessons on life.
. . .
I've discovered a whole new world! Haha.. well, I was bound to.
It started with Dr. Hunter S. Thompson (I don't know why I like to use titles when referring to people). Then now, having watched JJ's band play 60's songs on this windy day.. I was thinking, Hunter! This was his time. His music. But actually, Hunter's -- excuse me, Dr. Thompson's -- music was different, he listened to Bob Dylan.. but anyhow, this was the 60's and that was Hunter Thompson's generation.
I was bound to discover the 60's and 70's, I suppose. But it's odd that it had to be the last. It's more of rediscover, actually, because I'm supposed to be familiar with the 60's and 70's since that was my dad's generation, too. And that's just what makes it odd. I've grown up hearing my dad's records and his stories about that time, yet I was never really into those flower power, "hippie", what-you-wanna-call-it years until now. I've been engrossing myself with the life and times of the pre-60s world, even somewhat avoiding anything that was more than 1959 for some reason I don't know. The 80's and 90's, well, that was my generation, and it were actually, I think, the first decades I dug into, musically at least, before digging into the 50's then 40's then 30's and so on. The only thing lacking of my deep interest on the entire 20th century was that -- my dad's generation, and it's ironic that it should be the last 20th century generation that I would.. well, dig into.
The 20th century was amazing, wasn't it? I should have been born in the 1890s and died during 1990s.. preferrably 1999. Haha, or 2000 even to experience the new millenium. Anyhow, I wish I could have been there the entire time.. without ever growing old.. Heh.
But then, as much as I liked JJ's set, as much as the music they played made me feel this way, Parokya's set gave me a sense of sadness. This U-break was an hour and a half of contrasts. The 60's music of JJ's band gave me an idea of what my future interests would be, but then that interest concerns the past. I enjoyed JJ's set entirely, but then the next set, Parokya ni Edgar, suddenly made me feel bad. What was especially contrasting during U-break was Parokya's very cheerful set that had me smiling half the time, yet inside I was really down. Damn. I'm a girl of contrasts. That's what I'm feeling most of the time actually. Two things at once.
Even the weather was like that. At first it was cloudy and very windy, then the sun began to shine really bright, then at the end of U-break it was drizzling rain. Three atmosphere changes in one hour and thirty minutes.
So what was so saddening about Parokya's set? Memories, as usual. I remembered the days way before that of small bar gigs. Big gigs with big bands.. big in the sense that they're famous or popular, or at least not amateur. Large, fun audiences, the rapport of the band and the audience, and of course good music. I really thought I was gonna cry. Even if Parokya played mostly their new songs. It gave me a feeling of longing and nostalgia that was different from what Sugarfree made me feel. I think what made me sad was the idea that it would never happen again. If I went to one of those big concerts with big bands, they would most probably be filled with kids. The same goes if I went to those small bar gigs. Well, they wouldn't be filled with kids, but with people I don't know at all. That time of my life is over, and I don't think I can ever have the happiness I had during that time, no matter how hard I try. But of course I still believe in happiness. Just..different happiness. ANYWAY.
It sucks how everything just boils down to one thing: LONELINESS. I hate that word. Yet it's exactly what's wrong with my life right now. The lack of a social life. I know a hell lot of people but I hardly know any of them. One can get lonely in a crowd more than by being himself. As much as you've probably heard those last two sentences, that is exactly how I feel at this time in my life. And it's stupid.
But I guess I had no choice. There was no other way. Everybody I knew back then, they're old now. I don't mean to make it sound bad, but it's true. That was the problem of my befriending older people. I thought I was one of them, I mean, I was more comfortable with them than with kids my age, but of course there's the age gap. Heck, most of them are probably working now. That should account for being out of touch, besides my dramatic departure from that world.. or maybe I'm just doing that culture of victimization thingy. Blaming other things than myself.
Anyway. Damn that. I don't know how to end this because honestly I am lost in my thoughts. My mother has called me for dinner. This is all just rants anyway. I just had to let it out. Thank you, Amen.
. . .
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Astig yung Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at syempre si Hunter S. Thompson mismo. I returned the book to the library last Friday and I'm still dreaming about it.. sort of. It looks like it's back to books for me (interest-wise), but it's difficult to tell if I would actually read. There's the lack of time and lack of availability of those books..
What I've been meaning to read: Dr. Thompson's other books, Jack Kerouac, hoping for some stuff of Oscar Zeta Acosta's which seem just impossible to find, A Clockwork Orange (Marian's gonna lend it to me, woohoo), and of course the two books I bought from the 'Net.. Artie Shaw's and Oscar Levant's autobiographies..
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Friday, January 23, 2004
Well, I think it was meant for me.
Sometimes I think that what keeps my life from progressing is laziness, hesitation, and dumbness!!
Well, that and school.
Laziness. I should wake up and get going. Quit wasting time. The books, the music, and the movies are good for me I know, but they better be ditched when something better and more worthwhile and more productive comes along. The minute we're born we start dying, as they say. And God knows how much longer I have to live. I better start doing something now, and quit saying "next time.." After all, there may be no more next times.
Hesitation. I always think, maybe it's not for me. But God knows, maybe it is. I tell myself, I can't do it. I can never be like Harry James. My mind can never be in the same level as Joel and Ethan Coen's. I'm nothing compared to Hunter S. Thompson or Ernest Hemingway. But what the hell? They must have thought that of themselves too. You think? Confidence in myself is definitely on the top five of what I need most at this time of my life.
Dumbness. It's more like just a combination of both laziness and hesitation. Who in his right mind would allow himself to be governed by those two despicable habits.. Anyway, take this. I did get the number of that 2-day film school seminar thingy from the poster. But I forgot to tell my parents about it. That, and I was LAZY to call the number myself. Also, I HESITATED because I knew I had to go to school on the day of the film seminar. Well, I guess that's supposed to be good, because as Dad says (as well as Sean Covey): First things first! But then, maybe.. if maybe I had called the number earlier, I could have arranged for a make-up class or inquired about how bad it is to be absent for an ROTC session, then maybe I would have skipped school for that 2-day film seminar. That seminar, by the way is "The Best Film School in America Now in Manila", the Hollywood Film Institue in association with blah blah I don't remember so come join such graduates as Quentin Tarantino, Guy Ritchie, and Michael Jackson (Hah!), etc. what are you waiting for register now! Now do you see what sort of DUMBNESS I'm talking about? Check http://www.hollywoodu.com
And yes, since for some reason school is supposed to be first, school delays the progress of your social or personal life. Keeping busy in school is a factor of why I never learned how to play a musical instrument until now, for example. To hell with that idea, though, because I know I shouldn't be blaming school, but myself. What I said earlier about school delaying progress in my life? It's ironic actually. Because school is supposed to be a progress in life.
Anyhow, last Tuesday, we took this computerized brain test for General Pyschology. We just had to answer a bunch of questions. Our teacher says it can't be 100% reliable, but it sure is valid. My results: a dominant visual learning style (as opposed to auditory), and almost 50-50 in terms of dominance of either right or left hemisphere of the brain. Turns out I get the best of both worlds, and our teacher explained this: 50-50 people are interested in a lot of stuff, they do different things; be it right hemisphere activities such as those that need imagination, creativity, or artistic stuff, or left hemisphere activities such as reading, or those that need logic and abstract reasoning, or efficiency in written and oral language. Downside is, these 50-50 people don't excel in any of these traits as much as right or left extremists do (but they only excel in one hemisphere). OK, sure, so I do a lot of things; it's sorta true actually. I like to read and write, I like music and movies and dream about a place for myself in those worlds someday, I like to draw, I like facts and history, I like technology, I think logically (well, I got a 4.0 in Critical Thinking, haha), I like arts & crafts, I like making food, and a whole bunch of other stuff. BUT, I'm never gonna excel in ANY of these things. That is, if I really am a 50-50 right-left hemisphere person. But I better let that idea out of my head because, where else can I get such worse motivation than that?
On the other hand, maybe they're right. My parents, I mean. Maybe it wasn't for me. Maybe it isn't the right time. Maybe there's something better that'll come in the future.. like, say, a chance to go to film school in New York.. Yeah, right. But who knows, really. Or maybe - here goes my reluctancy again - film isn't for me. After all, I'm still in the process of finding my destiny.. Hah.
What the fuck is this. I always think in maybe's. Maybe maybe fucking maybe. I am never sure of myself. I am never sure of anything. I always think that there are two sides to everything: maybe this, or maybe that. Maybe there's something wrong with the world. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Does a 50-50 brain account for such confusion in my life?
Oh, how a thousand words come out of my fast-typing hands; merely a reaction to disappointment. Disappointment in myself for not being able to make a move for what could have been meant for me.
To damn hell with all these meants. How can we ever know? All this for something that seems to be temporary, anyway. Tomorrow I would probably forget about this whole thing.
. . .
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Oh yes what a beautiful day indeed! The sun is up and it isn't shining so bright, the cool winds are blowing once again, and our last subject was cancelled so I arrived home early just in time to receive my delivery from e-2-door! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. \m/
I seem to like that Benny Goodman CD I ordered, and all the bad feelings I got about its availability here is gone. Still thinking if I should really sell it.. but maybe not. ;-) It doesn't hurt to own something imported. Except on the pocket I guess..
Gotta keep these things from distracting me today, though. I've got my Fear and Loathing to finish plus some Chem Lab work to do.
But oh, how it made my day!
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
OK, reading that last post.. what a contradiction. In the first lines it said the music fails to bring sadness and old memories. But fuck, that is just how the post ended. Sadness. Memory of the past. What a loser.
. . .
Here I am listening to my old mp3's (haha high-tech, imbes na old records).
Trembling Blue Stars.. the music still doesn't fail to touch my heart - it's beautiful. What's different is that it doesn't bring back memories and sadness like it used to.
I guess that's a good thing, because that's just why I stopped listening to them in the first place. I didn't want to remember, I wanted to start something else.
Jazz must have helped the most in making me forget, but I can't say it did wonders. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love jazz. But honestly I think it's what made me sulk in my loneliness. Or maybe not. Maybe it's me. Can't blame the music. But come to think of it, not much people listen to classic jazz, or at least I haven't met anyone who listens to it. That's how I tend to meet people I guess.. similarity in music tastes.
And I suppose that's why I considered underground rock music to be my first love. I love jazz, but I won't ever forget the old music I listened to. And the people I met along the way. Because it brightened up my life, so to speak. Knowing that you're a part of something. In fact, here I am digging up the music again. But then listening to them again all of a sudden won't bring back that life.
I shouldn't blame the music. Of course it's myself who's got problems. For some reason, I just can't seem to open up much to people who don't understand my music (and perhaps the culture that goes with it), even if the person is similar to me in other terms. Music is what matters most to me, I suppose. Sure, we talk about lotsa stuff but I can't relate with you in terms of music, so fuck off. (Well, it ain't exactly like that, just exaggerating.) But how the hell is one supposed to change that kind of attitude in oneself? Dammit. First I just wanted to blab about Trembling Blue Stars and now here I am in my goddamn loneliness problem.
Just releasing some old-age confusion inside me that keeps on coming back. Damn. Dammit.
. . .
Monday, January 19, 2004
May sasabihin ako sa'yo: Ang tamad ko na. Grabe.
. . .
Saturday, January 17, 2004
I guess that's what you get for hanging out too much with yourself.
You forget about the real world and you start to live in a dream world where you think everybody believes the same things as you do. You find yourself unable to understand why people behave in certain ways that you don't like. Just because you don't do it, you think everybody else doesn't do it either.
And of course that leads to frustration, when the real world finally hits you in the head. It's like seeing your dreams shattered.
Show me the way back to the real reality.
. . .
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
I can't say I missed her, but it sure was a nice surprise to have Tin around this evening.
. . .
I am damned tired. (I am starting to pick up the language of the last two books I've been reading. Heh. That's Hemingway's Fiesta and Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.)
And I don't want to wake up tomorrow if all I have to do is go to school.
What is this? What the fuckin' hell. That goddamn birthday syndrome? I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets this. This miserable feeling when your birthday is nearing.
It could be that, or it could be just another one of those mood shifts. Not the daily mood swings.. more like once-or-twice-or-more-a-year shift in mood that lasts about a week or so. A month, even. Why can't we just all be happy throughout our whole lives.
Dammit. Godfuckingdammit. Why? Why am I suddenly like this? Why can't I tell what's making me feel this way? Why do I feel like cursing all the time? Cursing to nobody in particular. About nothing in particular. Probably to myself.
I need to escape. The only thing I want to do right now is fly. I'm thinking Bangkok. The States would great, though. Europe would be wonderful. Some place new.. would be grand. South America, perhaps?
Hemingway was right. You can't run away from yourself by running off to some strange place. But it does help take your misery away. At least for a while.
Hey, it's Glenn Miller on my CD player. Damn. That would probably be the best place to escape to -- or time, rather. The goddamn 20s, 30s, 40s.. with those cool cats..
. . .
Monday, January 12, 2004
Dammit. This sucks.
. . .
Sunday, January 11, 2004
This loneliness crap is starting to get a hold of me.
There have been three things that seem to be bothering me today:
That loneliness shit. Why does it have to come back. At this time.
That Benny Goodman Live at Carnegie Hall CD I saw in Music One Megamall yesterday. e-2-door has not emailed me yet if they can cancel my order, which I hope they would, so I can save my parents some money but if they do, I also hope that I can go back to Megamall soon to buy it!
Just a minute ago, I forgot what the third bother-factor was. Well, Megamall reminded me of it: It's that trapped feeling. I wish they would let me go places on my own, like how they let my brother.
Dammit.
There was one thing good, though. I finally recieved Kim's Christmas gift for me. The soundtrack to Amelie.
. . .
Thursday, January 01, 2004
By the way, I feel indifferent about the New Year today.
It's just unusual.
. . .
Here's to the New Year. Let's hope it will be more productive for all of us. Not to mention for myself.
New Year's wish? It just came to mind hours before midnight from a suggestion from my mother. I wish I could buy me a trumpet.
Or, say, better yet -- that someone else could buy it for me.
. . .
Hi Kim. Happy New Year. =D
It's been a long, long time since I last celebrated New Year's right here at home. I've almost forgotten how thrilling it was to be so near the fireworks. Although I was sorta scared of those that my neighbors were lightin up. And it was kinda odd coz the neighbors don't seem to be as friendly as I remember. It's like people were gathering outside and enjoying the fireworks with nobody really talkin much to anybody. How I remember it, we were all one big happy family. Haha.
The fireworks were beautiful nevertheless. Those colorful ones that go so high up in the sky never fail to amuse me. But I don't think I can light one up myself. Getting severely injured is probably my greatest fear. I would rather die.. seriously.
You know how I spent the last hours of 2003? I watched a movie I recorded from the TV months ago, which I never had the chance to see until now. [The Hudsucker Proxy.. another good movie from my idol filmmakers, the Coen brothers. Hehe] It happened to be set during New Year's, too. Hehe. Wala lang. I'm just being mababaw again.
After tonight, I think I'd rather spend the next New Year's some place else. My past New Year's Eve celebrations seem to be much more fun than this one at home. I guess it's because they're better spent with faraway relatives abroad than cold neighbors.
How was your New Year's? =)
Missing you terribly. It's getting sorta lonely here.
Love,
Ca
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