nothing feels good
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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Saturday, August 16, 2003
It's raining in my room. Music of the Rentals and the like is playing. I feel down. It all just fits perfectly.

I never really did believe in the concept of best friends. Maybe I did before, but then I didn't consider anybody to be my best friend. And maybe the explanation to that is, the concept struck me as vague.

People look at life differently. Likewise, they look at friendship in different ways. I've always valued friendship. Although I don't have much good friends, I do have some. Probably less than I can count with my fingers. Not any of those friends are deserving of being called a best friend, I'd rather call them good friends. Friend and good friend to me are two things very distinct from each other.

Friends, they're people too. People are unique, friends are unique. I see each of my friends differently from each other. Each has spent his or her own time with me, has shared different experiences with me. And the friendship I share with each of them, is completely different from the friendships I share with the rest. They are all very different from each other that I can't see which is better than which, much more which is best.

What I can see is that some friends are closer to me than some friends could ever be. And those are my good friends. The special people in my life. Those who know me well and I know them just the same. Those who understand me, those I have the best times with, those I have the best memories of, those I can still talk to no matter how long we've lost contact. But then again, they're all different from each other. I'm sure everybody else also has a number of, and not only one, good friends who can fit into that description. We meet different people and gain new friends as life goes on and any of these friends could someday become a good friend while some good friends soon dissapear from your life. But of course, they are not to be forgotten, they still have shared something different with you and nothing could ever replace them.

What I value most is those that keep contact, those who remember, no matter how busy they get. No matter how far away are. No matter how high up in the success ladder they've reached. No matter how much more friends they've met along the way.

I haven't felt this kind of down in a long time. That must prove how much I've been spending my days without a social life, because this seems to be the kind of down that one only feels about a person. It breaks my heart to think that I might have lost someone, or at least have our friendship change, just because we look at things differently.


posted by introvert at 7:01:51 PM
. . .
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
I watched a DLSU Pops Orchestra concert in CSB this U-break. Gosh, were they great. Good music really moves me Ė from the beginning I already felt that fuzzy feeling. Donít know why, that feeling sorta brings tears to my eyes. Maybe itís the longing feeling - I wish I were part of the orchestra. Problem is, I donít know how to play. The Chamber Ensemble hasnít contacted me about the free clarinet lessons, so I guess it wouldnít push through. I wouldnít have afforded a clarinet anyways.

After some time of being quite listless and unmotivated, I re-realized a dream of mine. I want to be part of something Ė something great, or simply be someone respected, somebody up there. Quite a lot of things I want to be Ė a writer, a musician, maybe go to work in the moviesÖ I think Iím almost giving up on writing; thanks to my English class this term. A musician Ė well, Iím working on it, Iím currently taking piano lessons. Iíd love to be in some kind of rock band, though; preferably indie rock. The movies? That may still be a faraway dream, one canít do much about that at this age. I also want to be in theatre, wow, the lights of Broadway. Canít act. Canít sing. Canít dance. Canít fucking perform.

Sometimes Ė well, most of the time Ė I just wonder whatís out there for me. Iím very much into the arts but I donít see myself as artistically inclined.

But maybe it's still an impossible dream, because what I've been dreaming of really is a time already gone past. Literally a century ago. Although there are still great movies, music, and literature these days... that maybe, just maybe, I can be a part of..

There's no harm in dreaming, is there?

By the way, Dean Martinís got a good voice too. Hehe.

I like those types of singing voices Ė Sinatra, Dean Martin, Ewan McGregor, Gene Kelly. Although Geneís voice sounds sorta different from the other threeÖ and Ewan is more of a theatre type of voice than Frank and Dean.


posted by introvert at 8:32:12 PM
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