nothing feels good
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005
No words can describe my surprise. I have no other way to describe what I feel, but to say that I Am Very Happy. My most unproductive term (is it, really? -- at least it feels like it) and yet I receive what you can call my best grades ever. Three 3.5's (two of which are major subjects), two 2.5's, and well, a 1.0 from Intreco. I could have been on the Dean's List if I got a 2.0 for Intreco, but that doesn't matter, since I really expected to fail that subject. But Heaven is on my side. I feel like I don't deserve my grades. I expected very low grades. Perhaps prayer worked again, but then again, in this term of apathy and laziness, I don't remember praying much -- although I did a little, so I guess that's enough for God. I still cannot give enough thanks to God.. Je chante! Y'a d'la joie.. :D

However -- there is some bad news, and when I heard it, it made me wish that I did fail Intreco. I knew my parents, or at least my dad, would say to my brother, "Look at your sister's high grades!" -- and I'd hate to hear that. It would have been better for this sorry state of the family, if I had a 0.0 like my brother (he has two). I don't know what to feel - I know he studies, I see him study. I felt he studied more than I did. But then my dad says when he studies he doesn't do so seriously. I am dreaming, believing what I want to believe? Or is my dad making normal things look not normal?

Final comment: Too bad Jason didn't see my good grades and 3.5 final Litengl paper. Haha =P

Other follow-up comments:
As Nico pointed out, Ms. Marj likes to praise herself. Is my paper really that good? Most of what I wrote in there were her ideas. Well, ok, not most. I did think of them myself. But what I did was, I thought of things that I knew she wanted me to write. There was one idea, though, that she commented on. Very good reading, Rica, she noted. But that idea was directly from her. I did not think of it. And my thesis statement.. she loved my thesis statement. Everybody in the class knows she loved my thesis statement. But then, she was the one who thought of it. I just wrote it down.

Well, should all that matter anymore? I got a 2.5, and I shouldn't keep on saying that I don't deserve those high grades. Because whether I do or not, I know I'm very, very, very happy with them. This must be the best course card day ever. Grade-wise. Hahaha. There was another course card day.. bad grade-wise, but good nevertheless. However -- I was too chicken to make it last more than just a day. Dammit! (I regret it now, but perhaps my feelings will change again as it always does.)

Today made me long for a guy. In such happy days like these, you'd want to share it with somebody. I was with my friends, yes, but.. is it not enough? I wanted to hug somebody.. who did I hug today? I hugged Nico for a second, when I found out I didn't fail Intreco. But.. oh I don't know. I guess it's just that I wanted to call somebody up to tell them how happy I am, aside from sharing the moment with those who were with me. But there was nobody to call, nobody to hug. And that's why I regret being chicken.

Course card days make you think, don't they.

posted by introvert at 5:10:00 PM
. . .
Monday, August 29, 2005
Cable is such a blessing, isn't it. During breaking news like this, I get to see live CNN USA coverage. Anderson Cooper is actually on right now. However, I still like better BBC's handling of the news. The Americans love the breaking news too much, and dwell on every last bit of it. This Hurrican Katrina coverage has been going on since 4pm (4am there!). Well, that's their attitude, as opposed to Europe's life-goes-on attitude. The BBC pays attention to other news as well. But then, while my own attitude is closer to the BBC's take on the news, I am still a news/media addict of some sort, and I can't get enough of this live feed from America. I'm waiting for something I don't know what. Even if deep inside I know it's a complete waste of time.

posted by introvert at 10:06:00 PM
. . .
Friday, August 26, 2005
Dammit, New York City's so strongly calling out to me, it's making me want to cry.

posted by introvert at 11:26:00 PM
. . .
I wonder what I can do to get my room back.. without a painful process.

I'm gonna blow up sooner or later if I continue to keep this to myself.. but, I have no choice..

I don't know why they think I'm lonely in this room. The privacy of it is exactly why I love it. That is, during the times that there is privacy. :-/

posted by introvert at 1:15:00 AM
. . .
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I'm sick of struggling with writing, forcing senseless crap out of my brain. I am not cut out to be a writer, but again, like in music, at least I tried. You'd never know unless you tried.

But the question remains.. what am I cut out to be? I know what I love.. so many.. yet.. I don't know what I love to do. What is it that I can do that would earn me a living?

posted by introvert at 6:41:00 PM
. . .
AHHHHHHHHHHH I wanna see JEFF GOLDBLUM in PILLOWMAN!!!! (Now that's why New York City's so great) and get a picture with him.. :```(((

posted by introvert at 11:42:00 AM
. . .
Monday, August 22, 2005

Now that's how I want to live.

It's nice to really just walk around the towns you visit, you know.

posted by introvert at 7:27:00 PM
. . .
I have really, seriously got to lose weight. How to do it how to do it how to do it.. I need to exercise but when/where?! Eat less? Does that even work?! I suppose it does, but it doesn't work for me coz I'd rather do it subtly than broadcast to everybody I'm trying to "reduce" ... :-\

posted by introvert at 6:26:00 PM
. . .
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Artie Shaw was right about Math.

"All the time I was studying mathematics, I had an amazing feeling of certainty, a sense of logical absoluteness... I seemed to be living in an atmosphere of complete and utter security" (Shaw 246). <--MLA hahaha!!

He quoted Bertrand Russell: "Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show." and "Literature embodies what is general in particular circumstances whose universal significance shines through their individual dress; but mathematics endeavors to present whatever is most general in its purity, without any irrelevant trappings."

Goodness! This study of literature may be the reason, then, of why I'm so lost!!

posted by introvert at 8:06:00 PM
. . .
I wonder what he does with his life. I wonder what he's doing now.

posted by introvert at 5:31:00 PM
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Friday, August 19, 2005
Ngayon lang ako naging close talaga sa blockmates ko.. at na-realize ko, I'm happy with these people... Ai, Tash, Nico, LA, Gel, Kara, Diane, Kukai.. mga classmates ko this term (yung mga Lit major syempre classmates ko na simula ng 2005).. pati na rin si Tess at Tin na parati kong nakikita this term.. well, God has his ways, so I guess it won't be so bad, then, when during Lasaret next term I'll be with the block.

Tomorrow will be fun, too. Ai and Nico and Gerard. Hehe.

Wow. I'm actually happy with my friends now. That's good. Good. Spending time with friends and self is in a good balance these days, and I hope things will stay that way. It's a good sign. Will I be able to balance other things in my life? Like say, school work and personal interests?

Already looking back at the term. Last day today, after all. Here's to the next.

PS. Perhaps you can add Jason to that list of blockmates, haha. Why do I tend to only think of the gals?

posted by introvert at 8:29:00 PM
. . .
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Emo music rocks.
It works.

Damn! I should have talked to Migs more. Why didn't I? I did not care then. But I realized -- it's the last week. The last time he will be there in the classroom next to the one next to mine. Seeing him is such a rarity. As for the other guy -- why do I always run into him?

note: No, I'm not feeling emo because of them boys. Not at all.. except perhaps regretting a bit of not talking to him. However -- there are much more important problems than them right now.

posted by introvert at 7:57:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...
'Til I find somebody new

posted by introvert at 9:12:00 PM
. . .
oh! My sis just sent me this incredibly sad song..

Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter

it perfectly fits my current mood of sadness and frustration.

since last night. i was thinking of.. things i'd rather not think about. things i know that i do not need right now.

Damn, it's a song that could make you cry.

It's like Red House Painters' All Mixed Up.

And reading about Robin Cook's funeral .. the pictures all looked so sad. You can feel the loss of a good man. I know this subject sounds far from my personal problems but it's just another sad factor. That pic of Gordon Brown reading the eulogy.. oh! It was sad. Perhaps I never understood the grief hanging over funerals until I was there at Ciara's..

posted by introvert at 8:36:00 PM
. . .
Godammit, this is difficult.

I did perfectly on my outline and everything else before that. But now that it's draft writing time, I cannot...............................ah! Indeed. Studying literature is fun. But writing about it is crap. Term papers, term papers! I don't have it. I clearly don't have it. But as I keep on saying, at least I tried. And that is all that matters.

The question now is, what do I have? A passionate interest in the world and a strong memory of facts, names, and events. Is that actually something significant?

What are my capabilities? What if I did take up computer science? Would it have been easier? You need to think, just the same way Lit makes you think. The difference is, you don't have to choose words to write. The words you code in, in computer science, are definite. That is what I want, don't I? The Definite? The heck.

This is difficult.

I don't even know what to say anymore. All I can do is shake my head.

posted by introvert at 7:21:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Fucking shit, what a waste of day. What a waste of weekend! The whole weekend I've been doing work for only one subject.. yesterday I read what I had to, and it took me the whole fucking day. Now it's taking me the whole day to write my reflection. And I'm not even done yet! Imagine! A one page paper. Takes me the entire day! What is wrong with me! I can't organize my thoughts! I can't think like all those fucking intellectual Lit Dept people! Damn them! Argh! (Actually I was only referring to Miss L. So-called intellectual. Hmph.)

The reason for this, I think, is because of her, say, close-mindedness? I am trying to write what she wants us to write. And the trouble is I don't know what she wants to hear! She totally blasted my paper last time. So now I'm afraid she would do the same. I think my paper last time was pretty good. But she didn't like it. So she gave me a bad grade. Now I don't know what she's expecting. And I have to reach whatever she is expecting. Whatever it is. Dammit. Fuck. You have wasted my day, Miss L. Dammit, there is nothing to reflect on in these readings you gave us! Fucking shit. Just tell me what you want me to write. I'll write it.

What the fuck is wrong with the fucking Lit Dept this term!!!

I pray for better times ahead. Next term.. no Miss Marj, no Miss L. (although Miss Marj is becoming okay, since I know what she expects and am quite eager to follow for some reason). Only problem is, I need a 2.5 GPA this term, so God help me!!! And I really really really hope next term won't be as troublesome as this insanely stupid one!

posted by introvert at 7:46:00 PM
. . .
Indeed, the ads at Tripod suck. This is just temporary, hopefully. I just need to see my blog! I hope Portland comes back..

posted by introvert at 5:45:00 PM
. . .
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Ms. Marj will not teach Worlit2 next term. That means I won't be seeing her no more. Ms. Doods will take over. Yay. Ms. Doods for three hours instead of Ms. Marj for three hours. Well, I didn't take Ms. Marj's other class anyway (Majele) so I never would have had a three-hour Ms. Marj session.

She went crying to Sir Bayot saying, "I can't get through them."

posted by introvert at 4:58:00 PM
. . .
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
It's odd, how I can be sad/down when there's no reason at all to be. There should be a reason, of course, but I can't point out what it is.

What makes people feel this way.

I don't think it's because I'm tired. Nothing really happened today. I could have skipped school and missed nothing.

But I would have rather stayed there.

I didn't want to go home. One of the few times I didn't want to go home.

posted by introvert at 6:35:00 PM
. . .
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Feels great. Three more weeks until final exams and I'm not that stressed out. Seems like the first weeks were more stressing than now. Unusual, and sayang, coz I'm more in the hardworking mood.. or maybe I'm only so because there isn't much to do. Whatever, I'm just glad with the non-hectic schedule. Thank you, God, I pray it keeps this way.

posted by introvert at 7:25:00 PM
. . .
Monday, August 01, 2005
Yeah baby. I found a way to "preserve" my bookmarks.. hehehe. No more worrying about them whenever the PC crashes. Mozilla sucked at that part. Yahoo has the great solution. Save your bookmarks on the web! Astig. And you can easily access it through your browser menu, too. Smart. =)

posted by introvert at 7:43:00 PM
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current mood
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piotr f.

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