a dream log.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Bonus rant

I had a dream about M again. He was wearing that red t-shirt, the one he wore during exam day, the one he really looked good in.. the scene was in Pasadena, outside our house, he was hopping into a car, both his parents were in front, his dad driving.. then the scene was in Ortigas going to Greenhills, and I don't know where the hell I was, I think in another car trailing their car.. I remember him looking back through the back window.. then he was dropped off at where Pizza Hut used to be, where Kamay Kainan is now, but it wasn't a restaurant, it was some kind of bar/parlor, and I think through the store's window I could see that he was there for a parlor, but also for a drink (?).. hmmm? Something happened after that, I just can't remember anymore. This dream was two nights or so ago. I felt fed up with the pointless dreams and didn't want to post it.

Two boys at once? Haha, I miss the J guy. M, can I really say I miss him? When I think of those days it makes me smile. It makes me want to go back to them. Those days when I used to sit next to him or behind him or across him and grinning along with him.. although at that time I don't think I was fully aware that I liked him some way or another.. or I wouldn't admit to myself that I did.. I remember his voice that day he called me in the cellphone.. helping him with his Stat.. just hanging in the classroom when Sir wouldn't come.. what happened - where did it all stop? The last of him was exam day, when he said he'd ring me. He didn't, but I don't hold that against him because I saw him after the exam, and he did what he was supposed to do over the phone, which was to thank me.. Well that wasn't exactly the "last" of him, but it was the last of what I think was "something".. something? Was there really "something" between us or am I kidding myself again? I'd like to think there was, although it's sad that nothing more could be there, and that maybe it stopped because he saw me with Happy. Or maybe there wasn't ever anything in the first place anyway..

Am I a mean person, really? Is this what I get for being "mean" to Happy? I wasn't mean to him was I? I was very nice to him when nobody was. I just couldn't take being friends with him for another term. Just one term. I've had enough hell. Is that considered being mean? Shit, man. Shit.

What about the J guy? I don't smile when I remember him. I don't have memories of him like I have of M. But I miss him. And I want to spend another day with him. Sometimes I feel that I have a better chance with him than with M. But I can consider M my crush. I can not call the J guy my crush. Because he isn't.

I remember that he's the first guy I noticed in the block. And maybe all throughout the year I unconciously wanted to talk to him. I don't know what I got by telling some friends I didn't like him. Maybe I didn't, but maybe that's because he isn't friendly in the block, and I didn't like suplados, although I myself am a suplada.. maybe I didn't like him because he didn't talk to me. Hah.

But now that we're "friends", if you can say that -- now that we're friends, what? Maybe I'm just attracted to him that's all. Attracted to him because he's a loner, because I know he needs time for himself just like I need time for myself, because I know that he wouldn't be a txter, because he's tall and thin and wears dark clothes, because he is like me in a number of ways (under the surface at least, in terms of being happy-go-lucky, and of being seemingly unfriendly when we really aren't, and of feeling lonely and wanting somebody to be with, but specifically somebody who also doesn't want to be too serious or too demanding or too proud.. in other words, somebody NOT like Marian's James -- or maybe that last part is just me.)

And being attracted to somebody is not enough to call him a crush. I'd say M is a crush. Because I think he's cute.

Whatever. I'll stop now. I can go on and on and get nothing out of it anyway.. Just rants.. rants! Oh, life..


Post a Comment

<< Home