nothing feels good
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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Who Do You Look To For Inspiration?

If I had to fill a single frame with six pictures, I would put in..

1) Artie Shaw
2) Jack Kerouac
3) Hunter S. Thompson
4) Rufus Wainwright
5) Conan, of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6) I'll leave this blank until I find somebody.

posted by introvert at 10:05:00 PM
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Tangina. Feeling miserable and listening to Bob Dylan. It makes me feel like I miss Hunter S. Thompson. But of course that's illogical, what's to miss in Hunter if I didn't know the man at all and read only one of his books?

But that's my feeling right now. I miss Hunter.. :(

Probably it's reading those sort of books that I miss.

posted by introvert at 9:21:00 PM
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I don't know how people can be so in-fucking-sensitive and so un-fucking-grateful!!!!!!

posted by introvert at 9:21:00 PM
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Monday, May 30, 2005
I hate being in the middle.

Well, ultimately I told the truth, admitted my wrongdoing and that's all that should matter. But still, it was a stupid thing I did. Stupid, stupid.

I'll get over this soon.

I just wish it doesn't harm my friendship with anybody.

Indeed, friends can be a real pain in the ass. This isn't the first time I've been torn.

But I love them, and I've learned from long ago that I need them.

I've yet to learn the art of dealing with people.

posted by introvert at 6:55:00 PM
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Thursday, May 26, 2005
My classes this term are pretty interesting - I have two major subjects about Philippine literature, something I would really like to learn more about, and wouldn't have the time to read on had it not been required reading; another major subject which is a seminar on writing for media, for people who, as Sir Bayot put it, "make good money from writing"; an intro to economics class; religion three (the subject of morality ain't that bad compared to relsone, relstwo was actually interesting also - church history); and my litelec is about film and literature. But somehow school has a way of making you uninterested. It's probably the time it takes to come to school and go home afterwards, or the braindrain that having three classes in a row gives you, or having too many assignments one after the other that you get disoriented, or most possibly the simple fact that you've been going to school, sitting in a classroom since you were three years old, and your brain got used to hating school that no matter how hard you try to like school, the brain automatically sets itself to the opposite.

Whew, that was long.

Only the first week of school and already I am drained!

posted by introvert at 3:56:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Our Writmed class this term might get dissolved.. for no reason but to give Cirilo Bautista a class. To think I was looking forward to have Mr. Bayot again this term. Yeah, believe it or not. Turns out I like Sir Bayot, but hated Langlit. He's the only prof I know who won't mind both using your phone and eating in class. Sir Unson doesn't mind eating in class, but he won't let you use your phone.

In fact I've gotten used to Sir Bayot. I was so hungry during Relstri yesterday but I knew I couldn't eat in front of the prof. I couldn't take the fact that I had food right there in my bag but couldn't munch on it.

Anyway, about Writmed. We might have a Saturday creative writing class with Cirilo instead. And I pray to God that this plan wouldn't push through. Please, I don't ever want to see Cirilo again. And not to mention, imagine going to school again on Saturdays! I was so glad I had my weekends off this time. I even made plans already on how to make the most of them. Seems to me I've been deprived of free Saturdays for so long! A three-hour Intpoet class last term, and a four-hour Mandarin class during the summer! It's double bad for me. I strongly do not like Cirilo, even more so after I heard today's news. Why would the students make the adjustments for him? He's the one getting our money!

I really pray for this not to happen. I really, really wish Cirilo gets his graduate class. Bless Sir Bayot, who also wants to teach us Writmed, and help him get enough students for Cirilo! (I can't even call him Sir!) I know he's supposed to be some great prof, who Kat even says to be some sort of "Filipino philosopher." But I don't like his style and I don't think he liked me either. (To think we used to look up to him, because he had a name, because he was supposed to be some great Filipino writer, but to our disappointment we found out he didn't teach us what he was supposed to teach us. We only studied a set of poems when we were supposed to have learned a good deal of poetry history and theory.)

On the other hand.. I was made VP today by Ai and Rachel, from Assistant VP. Coz three people had resigned from Litcircle. Normally I would have reacted with a ngek-dagdag-problema face, but today I said, "Uy, cool." I guess it's this newfound interest in politics. I just hope it all goes well, and that I may be a good enough leader.. undeservingly, though. I'm only made VP because the Prez and Executive VP are my friends. Ha. And that they probably had no options, since their VP's left. Well, make with what you have..

posted by introvert at 4:15:00 PM
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Sunday, May 22, 2005
One more round and it's bottles to the ground.

Now I know why I don't listen to punk music anymore.

The feelings it brings back from long ago is too much.

Well, maybe not as much as it used to. But it still has an effect. Not for somebody who is constantly looking for something new.


The official school year begins tomorrow but already, one day earlier, I am thrown back to reality.

I received a txt from Jason, asking me if I wanted to see Marc Abaya in person and be part of an indie flick. (haha)

He is just one of the people I don't want to bother myself with anymore. I made some sort of pact with myself not to bother with people in school anymore. I have good friends, and they're the only ones I should bother myself with.

Barely ready. I'm barely ready to go back to school. I've only had a couple of days break after going to school for the summer. And I realize that tomorrow my life will change again.. back to serious study, back to running into, back to reality.

The summer term was something different. It allowed me to not bum around at home. Instead I went to school and took up a pretty useful language. But it doesn't have the stresses of a regular term. Taking up a language doesn't require much homework, much brainwork, much research, much paperwork.. in fact, it doesn't require any of those! (Except brainwork maybe, but a sort of brainwork I prefer over that of the other Lit major subjects) And I only got to see people I wanted to see - which are my Lit blockmates. You don't run into those other batchmates of yours that you don't want to see. I practically forgot about their existence during summer. And it was heaven.

But last Thursday was the LPEP, and I had to go to school to welcome them and invite them to join Litcircle. And that's what made me realize that soon I will have to deal with reality again. The other orgs that were preparing booths, their members consisted mostly of my batchmates! I felt so old; it's our batch's turn to welcome the froshies, we're 3rd year now, we're in charge.. apart from that, I remembered that I will be seeing these people once again on a regular basis once the school year begins.. while some of them are not bad, they're actually pretty good acquaintances, most of them are what I would call "awkward" acquaintances.. the sort that when you pass them by you don't know whether to say hi or not. And they don't know either.

Well, then again, I'm 3rd year now and I should have gotten used to it. Hopefully this year will get better then. But it also marks a gradual end to my La Salle days..


The French referendum excites me. I wonder what the French will have to say on the EU constitution.

posted by introvert at 10:52:00 PM
. . .
In search for old World War II songs, I put on my old jazz mp3's CD.

"I Had The Craziest Dream" is a very WW2 song.

His best days weren't WW2 but - suddenly I miss Frank Sinatra.

Ah.. and it brings me back to my old Broadway days! Al Jolson, Gene Kelly..

Summer of - was it two years ago?

After a recess from music - background to my life lately is politics videos from the UK and US - I'm back to good old swing and Tin Pan Alley.

It's wonderful how I can still sing along with them or bop bop bop with the instrumentals, hehe.

Don't you know little fool.. you never can win.. why not use your mentality, step up wake up to reality but each time I - Just the thought of you makes me stop before I begin.. I've got you.. under my skin..

posted by introvert at 5:43:00 PM
. . .
Looking back at this post: (

I ask, Am I not cut out be a star?

Well, from where I stand now, the answer's pretty obvious.

Hardly even driven to be one.

posted by introvert at 12:51:00 AM
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Thursday, May 19, 2005
BBC Parliament and C-SPAN. A public service. Gifts from heaven for politics buffs.

Now that's something the Philippines doesn't have. But I doubt anyone would really care what goes on live in the Senate.

posted by introvert at 11:03:00 PM
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Dammit, I wanna be there in Edinburgh on July 2, also.. :(

posted by introvert at 2:59:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Dammit, George Galloway is testifying right now (or moments ago) to the US Senate and it's supposed to be live on CNN but I don't have cable because of that damn strong rain earlier this evening! Dammit dammit dammit!!!! And I'm missing Leno and probably Conan also later! Damn, kay malas malas talaga............. actually you can watch the Senate hearing live at but unfortunately you have to pay! Unlike the BBC who gives live videos for free.. I commend them for that. I like CNN's coverage but dammit, dammit, dammit. Where is my cable!

posted by introvert at 11:38:00 PM
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Friday, May 13, 2005
Yes it's amazing what my brother has done. He hasn't told me much, but I think I know what's going on.

You see lately he's been meeting up with Dodge. Before that he showed me a picture of Nicole Melicor, saying "Look what I found!" His status messages in YM after that included "missing someone from long ago" and then when he told me he got Dodge's contact number and he'd be seeing them in their White Plains home (their new one since they moved away from Pasadena long ago), his status message became something like "found a puzzle piece..", only problem is for him to complete that puzzle. Then last night he called me to show me he was on YM with Nicole herself.. well, the status message became "can't believe i found you.." or something along those lines..

Anyway right now, Dodge and Nicole are here right in our house. A part of me does not approve, but for the most part I don't care - it's his life, but hey, bro, well done.

I'm not so certain if I would be able to do something like that. The question is would I even be willing to.

* Election night in the UK must be exciting. Lolz. Watching right now a live broadcast of the 1997 election night replay. BBC Parliament rocks. The BBC allowing people to watch free live broadcasts rocks.

posted by introvert at 4:11:00 PM
. . .
"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." --Kurt Vonnegut

posted by introvert at 2:55:00 PM
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005:
"Getting bored with life all over again."

Thank God for making me re-discover politics, and for making me discover the UK parliament. At least now my life is centered on something.

It's entirely fresh. It's not another new type of music, another new movie, another new book.. it's something else, and it's called politics. And while I've been interested in politics all this time, I've never had the chance to delve deeper into it until now.

"The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." -Allan Chalmers

Such an odd thing to be into, though. But I'm used to it. I rarely know anybody who is into the same things as I am.

Thank God for CNN. Thank God for the BBC. Thank God for the Internet.

posted by introvert at 11:41:00 PM
. . .
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
music, books, movies, old stuff, the world, photography, history, mobsters, people, life..


Musicians, Writers, Actors, Politicans/World Leaders... wait wait wait

I like Movies, Music, Literature, Politics..

but very basically, only the people involved in those fields.. what do I know about politics, really? I'm not well read in political theories (I hate theories), decision-making, persuasion, power.. I can't even tell you what is left-wing or right-wing right now but sooner or later I would have to read up on that.. but I do know to some extent some world leaders in some countries, some politicians in some governments, singificant world leaders and events of the past (of course I read a lot of history), I like reading what's going on in world affairs, politics, diplomatic stuff, etc.. was even fascinated by the Greeks and Romans at some point.. how the Roman empire built such a huge empire, which can be compared to the British Empire of the 1800s.. Right now I'm reading so much about the current British government and it just amazes me, the Parliament. Last night I was comparing the Philippines, US, and UK governments and enjoyed what I was reading.

What do I know about music? I'm a bad musician - can't even be called a musician at all. But I know fairly a lot about those who shape music - I listen to anything from classical to modern rock. I listen to Mozart, Vivaldi, Debussy; Louis Armstrong, Bix Beiderbecke, Duke Ellington, Benny Goodman, Artie Shaw; Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin; Bob Dylan, The Beatles; The Smiths, The Pixies, Pavement; a point in my life when I listend to Incubus, Deftones, Korn (I hardly do now unlike the rest I've mentioned)**; Braid, The Promise Ring; Rufus Wainwright, Badly Drawn Boy...I can go on. Not only do I know about artists, but composers, too. I can tell you what music may fall under which category, I know about these people's lives, more or less, I can even tell you which instrument is playing the sound you are hearing (but mostly only for jazz orchestras).. I know nothing about music theory (again, I hate theories) - I study clarinet better than piano because unlike piano, a clarinet cannot play a chord unless with other two clarinets.. hell, what is music theory anyway? One thing I cannot understand (but aspire to) is how musicians can make music following a theme, like in the movie I saw today (the Taiwanese "Turn Left, Turn Right") the guy played an instrumental about "a girl he lost, and this is my way of telling her that I miss her". How an instrumental song can say that, I've been struggling in vain to understand.

What do I know about writing? I know the path I'm taking right now is to somewhat become a "writer" but that is sort of a dream that is fading.. What do I know about writing other than ranting in journals such as this? I've tried to learn but I hate writing classes; When asked to write about what I think, it takes me a very long time to decide what to put in, sometimes I even don't get to decide what to put in, I just put in some bullshit in order to have something written. Just look at my school papers. I love literature, but my God I despise literary theory; I'm taking it up now for my major but I have no idea how I passed one class without understanding what the hell semiotics is. (My classmate once expressed disbelief when our prof was telling a story about another lit prof from another school who doesn't know what semiotics is. She reacted saying "Even we know what semiotics is" -- I refrained myself from replying "I don't.") But I love reading, I love reading the books of great authors, but even more I love learning about the authors themselves, their lives, their legacy, their influence, their.. their.. their greatness. I like Hemingway but I've only read two of his books and one volume of his short stories, I love Fitzgerald's glamour but I've only read The Great Gatsby and get sleepy whenever I try to read his other books (I actually read Tender is the Night but remember nothing), I admire Hunter S. Thompson, I am fascinated by the Beat Generation (but I've hardly read anything that is not On The Road, and blah blah blah. (Don't think, though, that I did not like what I read, the stories I enjoyed are kept in my conciousness.)

And of course, what do I know about movies especially? I am a movie lover indeed. I even watch old movies, I love seeing black and white movies, I know about classic and modern movie directors, actors, even producers, studio owners. I am a fan of the musical era of Hollywood, the American semi-indie scene (Wes Anderson, Coen Brothers, etc), sometimes interested in foreign films, but really - I'm just a watcher, sometimes an observer, but very rarely do I get ideas about what sort of movies to make myself. Again I hate theory, and as much as I want to learn how cinematography and the camera works, my brain can't seem to grasp how.

I remember thinking long ago that I am merely a spectator, and not an actor. Which saddens me. Reading about all those people I've mentioned, I have a great urge or dream to be one of them, to be famous or at least known, to be great, to be influential, to be read about by the next generations to come.. but seems to me my only real passion is to know. The only thing I really do is know. Learn is a different thing. From these things I love, what skills have I learned? I don't have skills of a a politician, of a writer, of a musician, I am not an actress, and most especially not a filmmaker - all these I've wanted to be but I know very well that I am not cut out to be any of those.. tell me, what am I, and what can I do after I graduate?

"I don't have skills of a writer" - this is somethig I don't completely believe, though. I do a lot of writing actually, if this is what you consider writing, and I love it, and since I have a desire to "know", the people that come to mind now are Jack Kerouac (his desire to know what's beyond New York), Conan O'Brien (his fascination for celebrities and history; his job actually caters to this fascination), and all the reporters of National Geographic, Time and CNN.***

I guess the proper way to put it is I love history - I love how today's things began, the history of the world not only in politics but also in music, movies, literature, in short, culture. In short, I love the way the world works, glamorous and famous people, cultures (mostly civilized culture, though) and ... that's about it.

The point is? I don't know. This is again just some rant.



**I don't know - hardcore rock was wonderful but how come I can't bring myself to listen to it now? --probably same as punk music, the two forms of rock music have become pop and I just can't stand that

***But then Kerouac's a writer and Conan's a performer, and they've done well to nurture their desires.

A part of me desires to be an anchor for CNN - that part of me wishing to be in the spotlight, but having read Artie Shaw's book, I have to face the reality that just like him I don't think I can handle fame.

On the other hand.. an anchor's fame is a different kind of fame, you don't reach the level of fame as movie stars do, and when people run into you in the street, they oftentimes are not sure who you are but know they've seen you somewhere.. so, becoming an anchor is a prospective choice for the brand of fame I like but then again, reality check: I am not a good speaker and I'm sure I'll freeze in front of the camera.

P.S.S. I hate lessons. It must be the monotony that kills me. I wish to quit my clarinet lessons ASAP but I have 7 more lessons to take, I couldn't wait for my driving lessons to finish, I would never take attend a filmmaking workshop (photography pwede ba), I would never ever EVER attend a writing workshop -- perhaps a lecture on a part of history would do, but it sounds boring - I would read about it myself. Seminars such as that of the 7 Habits I don't believe ever have any effect on anybody. Experience alone will teach you about those "self-help" subjects.

Photography- I love looking at beautiful photos, I love taking pictures, but I have a feeling I will never learn how to use an SLR.

posted by introvert at 6:13:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Haha I've just seen my first episode of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and oh my God, he makes me laugh! This particular episode focused on the UK elections and he hilariously made fun of Tony Blair, which made me laugh even harder when I saw the replay. Even if I like Tony Blair, hehe.

I've also seen just on the 'Net the episode of BBC's Question Time wherein the guests were the three party leaders of the UK election, and tension is the word. Charles Kennedy was alright, but the audience verbally beat up Michael Howard and especially Tony Blair. (Hence the "bloody nose" headline in the news) Tension! Such a tough job, to pick a leader.

Only problem is, this Global Edition of the Daily Show shown here is a little too short, it finishes so fast, you feel like there's a lot missing, that you've been robbed off.

But I like the show, uniquely funny.

posted by introvert at 3:39:00 PM
. . .
Saturday, May 07, 2005
x Yay, new Windows.. I'm on XP now.. hopefully my 'Net will never fuck up again! (as my bro claims it wouldn't)

x Dammit, from all that coverage of the UK general elections, I have a strong urge to go to London. Nothing is worse than frustration. Not being able to satisfy an urge!

x I suddenly remembered Rolly earlier this evening. I missed having somebody tell me he misses me.

...... but why? Why him?! I thought, because he was the last who ever made "damubs", but then I realized that no, it wasn't him, but it was Rex. How come I didn't think of him. Damn. It's been a long time hasn't it. Been such a freaking long time since those days when I still talked to Rolly.

x This XP needs a lot of getting used to.. the screen! Oh, the screen. Masarap tingnan pero hindi ako sanay.

posted by introvert at 10:56:00 PM
. . .
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Really, the only thing that sucks in school are the people and the paperwork.

Coming to school during summer term is great. The school's not crowded, there's less chances of running into half-strangers and odd acquaintances, and in the course I'm taking, there's not much work. All you have to do is come to class, listen, and take an exam which you can manage as long as you pay attention.

I don't know about the other courses. But I'm sure there's less work as well since the term only takes three weeks.

This will only last until two more weeks or so.. and I find that I'd rather not be excited for the first term.. it will be back to hell once the new school year starts.

posted by introvert at 4:45:00 PM
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current mood
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piotr f.

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