nothing feels good
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Friday, April 29, 2005
Tangina, new dream trip: Maldives.

posted by introvert at 6:17:00 PM
. . .
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I think I felt I had to go to Ciara's funeral because she was my blockmate. If she hadn't been, I wouldn't have cared. If it had been any other batchmate (except for my closest friends of course) I wouldn't have cared.

I wasn't close to Ciara, but I was really moved by this event. After a couple of days, that is (refer to recent post about not feeling much). I couldn't understand why I cried for her. Maybe it was because Char was once my close friend, and I felt sorry for her. But now I think it may not just be that, but also because she was part of my block. LR21 meant - and still means - something to me; my high school batch never meant anything really. Heck, I felt like a stranger among my batchmates this morning. I was with my blockmates the entire time.

The only ones I care for in my high school were the few friends I had made who even bother to keep in touch.

I'll be seeing you, Ciara. I appreciate the presence you had in my life.

posted by introvert at 10:05:00 PM
. . .
Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Getting bored life all over again. That's summer break for you.

Lazy to practice clarinet because frankly, I am tired of those lessons.

Music is fun, don't get me wrong, but I've mentioned it before - it's the monotony. And probably the feeling that I'm getting nowhere, even if I actually am getting better (or am I?)

I don't want to go to school because I'm tired of my friends' situations.

I don't want to attend driving lessons. I just don't. It's fun also, though, but.. Can I just drive our own car and practice by myself?

I have decided to attend Ciara's funeral. But thinking about it right now.. I think I would just rather stay home. Or go to school. School will be fine because the other set of friends will be gone and so it won't be so difficult.

But then I've told friends that I will join them. And so I will.

Life. Oh, life.. When will you be colorful and exciting again?

..Were you ever?

posted by introvert at 6:29:00 PM
. . .
Ok, all of a sudden I am tired with people all over again. People in general.

Tired of this need to socialize. A part of me wishing I didn't need to bother with "friends".

But of course I will never wish to be alone again. I've had enough torture from Loneliness.

Some friendships are good medicine, such as the one I have with Pia, who I just spent my afternoon with and it was great even if it was just lunch and a movie.

But I did not want to go back to school. I liked the free time I had, and all those time to myself. I still have time now for myself in the afternoon, so that part's ok. Seeing my classmates are no big deal either. The problem is having to deal with them.

The worst thing next to loneliness is having to divide yourself between two conflicting parties. I would love to spend time with Tash and Ai as much as I want to spend time with Gel, but it's just not possible. Not possible.

This is in itself is enough to make me rather want to be alone.

It's probably my attitude of wanting to please everyone. And always making myself available. I've always been there for people that they depend on me, sometimes more than I can handle.

Well, friends are my weakness, I guess.

Another thing is I'm becoming irritable again. Marian owes me P200 and I can't understand why she still has not paid me. It's been a week and I understand that, so I waited until I saw her again. She had the money, but needed change, and I didn't have it. I expected her to bring two 100 bills today but apparently she did not. She returned the Amelie OST (she wouldn't have if I didn't ask her to) so I kept my mouth shut about the 200 bucks because she might find me "bastos" if I kept asking. I really needed the money today because I was to go out with money. I didn't have any cash. But since she didn't return my money I had to withdraw from the bank instead.

The things I hate most in people is that - insensitivity. Even checking my mail now, it makes me pissed off. My sister forwarded me something that I already received from the same person who she got it from. If I were her, I wouldn't have forwarded it to her when I saw her e-mail address in the "To" row.


Well. Those are the things that sort of things that I can't understand and piss me off.

posted by introvert at 6:09:00 PM
. . .
Monday, April 25, 2005
I find myself counting the days..

I can't live with those lessons. Too regular. Too monotonous. I have other things to do. Although they are pretty more useless than driving and clarinet lessons..

I'm just lazy with the things I have to do. Well, sometimes also with the things I don't have to.

posted by introvert at 2:09:00 PM
. . .
Saturday, April 23, 2005
For once I got them to do it my way. Isn't that great.

Sina Prichie, I mean. I'm so glad everybody agreed. I was under pressure trying to please everyone. But it was all too much, I just had to fix it myself.

This is what happens..

posted by introvert at 10:20:00 PM
. . .
I woke up quite early today and it is now 10:59 AM. I completely wasted the entire morning. I can't even recall what I was doing. I just know that I had a cereal breakfast while watching The Today Show at ETC. I did not even finish the show and now it's an hour before lunchtime.

Talk about an American morning. Cereal with Today.

And last night I saw the movie Sideways and Jay Leno and Conan.

Very American lately. Very NBC, too. Thank God for ETC. I'm very into these shows while everyone's into those Koreans.

Anyhow. I had my alarm clock set at 9:30 because I have a driving lesson at 1pm. I wanted to have time to get ready before that. But then I got a wake-up call at 7. It was from Mayene, and I didn't want to answer it, for heaven's sake I slept at 2 after Conan. I let it ring while I put the phone on silent. I had a message, so I read it. It was from Gel. You know what it says. So I just had to get up. I washed my face, went back to my room and called Mayene. We decided to visit after lunch.

Of course I was shocked at first. Recently I was with my family in a wake for my parents' friend's sister. Yet you just don't think of these things. It seems to me the people around me who have died are no less than three degrees from me. Friend of a friend of a friend or relative. The closest thing to me was probably our driver Tom who was very close to us way back when we were kids. But I don't remember feeling any grief. Have I always been so bato? Both granddads have died during my life, but it wasn't much. The only time I remember ever feeling sad about anybody's death is Artie Shaw's, Hunter Thompson's, and Yasser Arafat's. Ha. Strange as the latter is, but I don't know. I didn't even care much about the Pope's funeral, great man that he is. But I did regret missing out on that one.

This is probably the first for me. First contemporary of mine. A batchmate in high school, a blockmate in college. Twin sister of one of my early HS kabarkadas. A friend of mine who I see around school. When was the last time I saw her? Was it when I mentioned Mandaluyong Day to her? It doesn't seem so long ago.

I've recently gotten to the habit of not looking at the coffin in wakes. But sometimse out of boredom and I curiosity I wonder if I should, for usually I did not know the person lying there. But now just thinking of looking makes my stomach turn.

However - I don't feel the death of this contemporary has affected me. Just a little shock when I first heard about it. What worries me now is how I should try restraining myself from jokes, smiles, and laughter when I talk about it with my friends. It's not that it is a laughing matter, but I can't help myself. It's my defense mechanism in all things. It was never difficult for me; but now I have to face friends from two sectors of my life: Poveda and DLSU. I don't know, maybe later when we're there the shock will rub in.

I know, it's a pretty impractical thing to worry about. But I gave out some giggles when Mayene was saying bye on the phone earlier this morning. And I was like, "What did I do that for?" I wasn't laughing at the news. But I giggled like it's a normal day (it is) and probably it's just that I can't end a conversation without showing my sunny side. And one time, Marian was telling me something (I forgot what about) and I said my usual comment, "That's funny." I did not mean that it was something to laugh about or make fun of. I just meant that it was strange or odd. But she replied seriously, "It's not funny."

It's one thing I gotta learn in order to move on in this world. It's a difficult thing for people with funny/happy-go-lucky personas.

Then again -- I notice I'm not even able to properly mention what "the news" is really about.

posted by introvert at 10:54:00 AM
. . .
Thursday, April 21, 2005
My attention span is getting shorter. I'm watching Jay Leno, yet I still can't stand how long it takes PC Pitstop to finish virus-scanning my computer!

Can't seem to sit still with one thing. Even reading my Oscar Levant book is becoming monotonous. That's not to say the book is boring, though. It's a pretty good read, but I can't stand the monotony of reading just one book. But I don't want to confuse my already messed up brain by reading several things at once.

Now I know why I always move to doing something else when I do my schoolwork.

Earlier this evening my brother was giving me a lecture about the car. (I had just started my driving lessons.) I was listening, but I couldn't help looking elsewhere and fiddling with stuff and interrupting him by asking so many off-topic questions.

We were at the wake for the sister of my parents' friend. For a while my brother and I were sitting quietly but I just had to go outside.

I can't sit still just waiting anymore.

posted by introvert at 11:29:00 PM
. . .
How damned boring.

posted by introvert at 2:45:00 PM
. . .
Friday, April 15, 2005
I watch Leno for the guests. I watch Conan for Conan.

Hehe. But of course you can't deny Leno does have some funny bits.

I love Conan, though. I can miss a Leno show, but not Conan.

There's just something about him and his show. Or maybe just him. Haha.

This entire evening I've been chatting with Gel and looking through a Conan fansite. It features old news articles about Conan. Way back from pre-Late Night, but I particularly read the reviews of the first shows. They were so bad I could cry for him.

Hehe.. Talk about a Conan night. It's 11:52 and I'm just waiting for his show!

I wish they'd make reruns of the early shows or put out DVDs. But that would be a lot of episodes to put on DVD. I wanna see how David Letterman was back then in the 80s, too. And not to mention, the original Late Night man, Johnny Carson.

posted by introvert at 11:57:00 PM
. . .
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Yeah I loved that movie Closer. No -- I love it. I wasn't in love with it when the credits were rolling. It's just now that I realize it was a good movie. Coz I can't stop thinking about it and I mentioned it to everybody I spoke to today.

A Yahoo reviewer said: "This movie isn't something you can walk out of right away and have to sit and think about it for a little bit." So true.

I loved Clive Owen. Even if he was the ultimate asshole in the movie. You can't say Jude Law was the asshole. He was a poor lost kid in love. Clive Owen was the jerk.


You know a movie's good if you still dream about it after you've seen it. Right after I saw Spongebob the movie it flew out of my mind. Disappointing movie. Somehow I knew it would suck, though. But when I saw Constantine months ago, I did the same with Closer -- asked everyone if they've seen it and couldn't take my mind off Keanu Reeves!! But right after the movie, when the credits were rolling.. I didn't know what to think. It was such a Hollywood blockbuster type of film, but there was something different about it.

Well I know now that I liked the movie not only because of Keanu Reeves. It was pretty good.

I'm not a critic, though. I can tell which movies are good and which are bad, but I can't tell you what makes them so.

posted by introvert at 3:49:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, April 10, 2005
An afterthought:

isnt it obvious enough? i'm a sucker for facts. i'm not one for theories. i hate langlit and i hated instud. but i love international relations. haha. i love lit but i hate literary criticism. i love movies but i'm not a technical one. ha! what am i?

posted by introvert at 3:26:00 PM
. . .
Stupid me, stupid me! Where was I during the Pope's funeral? It was such a big event and I didn't even get the idea of watching CNN! " the presence of kings, queens, presidents, and prime ministers..", " of the largest religious gatherings in the West in modern times.." yada yada as I read now in the papers and in the 'net.. Oh, I'm such a sucker for world politics.

I love this pic in particular. Hehe.

posted by introvert at 2:49:00 PM
. . .
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
One reason why I would wanna move (or at least be) in the United States right now: They have all those good shows that are not shown here! (I know, I know, the US is the place for materialistic people) But what can I say? I'm an American culture freak! (Bad as it sounds, but, yeah).

I was searching for a video clip of Rufus on Conan O'Brien and I found a really cool site that has audio and video clips and stills from these shows. One show that amused me was The Isaac Mizrahi Show - imagine, gay host with gay guest! It was awkward to watch at first, but you can't resist that gay charm.. hehehe, gay men are getting around these days a la Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. After some more surfing around I found out Conan himself was a guest on Isaac Mizrahi's show. And now my search is pointed towards that episode. But I freaking can't find it! I would love to see Conan on another show! And I read that there's a particular tie-shopping segment with Conan and Isaac. *sigh*

Yeah. Very much into Rufus and Conan lately.

"Oh! Oxygen TV", that's where they show Isaac Mizrahi. Damn. The US has such cool channels.

posted by introvert at 6:35:00 PM
. . .
Lack lots of sleep. My eyes were becoming heavy over boredom at that AAP lecture for driving lessons. Now that I'm home I can't sleep. But my eyes are very tired and I wish I would feel sleepy so that I wouldn't miss Conan later and so that my body clock would be back on its regular schedule!

I'll probably just review for Spantwo. Hopefully it might help me sleep.

One more paper to go and I can get all the sleep I can get! Cant wait..

I'm in love with Rufus Wainwright.

California, you're such a wonder that I think I'll stay in bed.

I don't what that is. Sarcasm? Or paradox? Hmm?

posted by introvert at 5:16:00 PM
. . .
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
wow dami naka-online ngayon sa ym! the most i've seen probably! haha hmm let me count.. 9.. oo konti lang tao sa ym ko eh, usually walang online..

anyhoo.. first half of today was completely stressing. i hadn't studied much for worlit1 (my bad - distractions and laziness) and hadn't studied at all for spantwo.. i really fooled around my worlit, writing stuff just so i have something to write.. but it was ok, as always i felt better that it was all over and don't really care much anymore, but i know i should worry about my grades.. anyway spantwo also stressed the hell out of everybody but then turns out we were waiting for an oral exam that did not come. after that it was simply a duty to come to class for langlit and intdram even if we knew we wouldn't be doing anything important anymore. and so second half of the day was slow and dull, but for once i got to spend the break with tash, and rachel too. now it's back to stress again, doing this intpoet paper.. ahh! well today i was very happy to hear that miss malou jacob "enjoyed" reading my 10-page paper.. oh yeah baby! just when i thought i had done such a lousy job. so i should try doing the best i can in this intpoet paper.. who knows, sir cirilo might like it.. oh, i wish..

thank you God for this wonderful day, thank you for helping me out in worlit, and for helping me out in my intdram paper last week.. and for getting me through all this.. and tomorrow.. and the day after.. and then the langlit paper.. hehehe.. busy day tomorrow: school to submit 2 intpoet papers (1 individual, 1 group report) and then off to aap aurora for a lecture before my driving lessons.. way til 5pm.

posted by introvert at 9:36:00 PM
. . .
Monday, April 04, 2005
Lately I've been speculating a lot about shifting courses. What have crossed my mind are History, American Studies, and BS Bio.. haha, yeah, I know, BS Bio? But as I told my sister and Pia: in science you learn definite facts, all you need to do is know them and study them.. in literature even if you study you can fail..

But I always end up believing that I belong in Lit and I belong to CLA. After all I do enjoy reading all they ask us to read. Stuff I would never have the chance to read otherwise (due to lack of time and motivation). I just don't like the tests, the papers, the recitation.. I used to not mind, but in Lit it's different.. when it comes to school, I guess, I'm better off understanding facts than theorizing :-/

That's why as a kid my favorite subject was science. And last term I enjoyed Histciv.

But I do know the History course in DLSU might just be a lot like Lit..

And so BS Bio came to mind. Science. It's definite. Just like Math, but I don't like Math's hassles (I can't say I hate Math anymore, coz I actually sort of enjoyed Stat101, except that it's so much hassle - all those formulas and all) My point is, I prefer letting my brain work scientifically rather than artistically.

A frustrated writer, that's what I am. Lit is leading me to drop my dream of becoming a writer. "Elevate the essay into an art form," my Intdram prof said. But I had such a hard time doing that paper, and my writing was far from what would you call an art form. But I still know I can write. Just when there is something to write about. Perhaps the way Jack Kerouac did. Writing about facts rather than fiction.

posted by introvert at 8:25:00 PM
. . .
A Record of Boredom

Birthday:Jan 17
Birthplace:Makati Medical Center
Current Location:San Juan, Metro Manila =)
Eye Color:Dark brown
Hair Color:black!
Height:5'6 1/2
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:pure Filipino..=)
The Shoes You Wore Today:tsinelas.. stayed at home!
Your Weakness:Super duper L-A-Z-Y!
Your Fears:to become disabled in any way!
Your Perfect Pizza:cheesy with cream cheese inside the crust
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:uhmm geezus i didnt realize i was so goal-less
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:"heheh"
Thoughts First Waking Up:whatever i dreamt
Your Best Physical Feature:height?
Your Bedtime:1am, right after Conan! =D
Your Most Missed Memory:wala.. haha i'm such an empty person..
Pepsi or Coke:neither.. i like coke's ad campaigns better though..
MacDonalds or Burger King:BK!
Single or Group Dates:single pls!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:either/or
Chocolate or Vanilla:chocolate.. dark chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:whats the diff? sorry i have no idea
Do you Smoke:no
Do you Swear:uhm, yeah hehe
Do you Sing:no.. more of playing tunes in my head
Do you Shower Daily:of course
Have you Been in Love:i wouldnt know.. hahaha! =P
Do you want to go to College:currently enjoying it
Do you want to get Married:if i met the perfect guy
Do you belive in yourself:of course
Do you get Motion Sickness:yeah but i'm slowly getting over it
Do you think you are Attractive:to some ppl, yeah. haha =P
Are you a Health Freak:a little.. eating clean food makes me feel good (rhyme!)
Do you get along with your Parents:ok lang
Do you like Thunderstorms:yeah
Do you play an Instrument:yeah! ;-)
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:well i ate chocolates with liquor inside hehe
In the past month have you Smoked:no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:no! haha!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:i'm always there
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:yeah
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:i dont think so haha
Ever been Drunk:no, just a little tipsy
Ever been called a Tease:no
Ever been Beaten up:no
Ever Shoplifted:sort of
How do you want to Die:i dunno..peaceful and painless i guess!
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:an explorer! hehe a traveling writer/photographer or something.. work for national geographic.. if not, i want an office job in google =)
What country would you most like to Visit:can i say the whole world? right now though it would be the US of A =)
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:dark brown
Favourite Hair Color:black.. it doesnt matter actually
Short or Long Hair:short!
Height:taller than me
Weight:bigger than me a little
Best Clothing Style:simple
Number of Drugs I have taken:zero
Number of CDs I own:never counted
Number of Piercings:1 on each ear
Number of Tattoos:zero
Number of things in my Past I Regret:nada.. =)


posted by introvert at 8:22:00 PM
. . .
Friday, April 01, 2005
written March 30, 2005 | 7:20 pm

I'll Build A Stairway To Paradise

All you preachers who delight in panning the dancing teachers
Let me tell you there are a lot of features
Of the dance that carry you through the gates of Heaven

It's madness to be always sitting around in sadness
When you could be learning the steps of gladness
You'll be happy when you can do just six or seven

Begin today, you'll find itís nice
The quickest way to paradise
When you practice, here's the thing to do
Simply say as you go...

I'll build a stairway to paradise
With a new step every day
I'm going to get there at any price
Stand aside, I'm on my way
I've got the blues and up above it's so fair
Shoes, go on and carry me there
I'll build a stairway to paradise
With a new step every day

Wonderful lyrics from Buddy De Sylva and Ira Gershwin, don't you think. It's madness to be always sitting around in sadness when you could be learning the steps of gladness! Not to mention music from George Gershwin =)

I have the Rufus Wainwright version and somehow the song doesn't feel right. It is such a jolly song, and Rufus is not a jolly man at all. His songs are mostly sad and his voice is just - sad. I suppose the song does fit him in a way, because he's "got the blues and up above it's so fair", but this song sounds too happy for his sad voice.

Well. I heard the Paul Whiteman version. 1922. This song belongs to the roaring 20s and nowhere else. Another reason why Rufus' version doesn't feel right is because it was recorded in 2004 and such happy songs just don't fit well with the times.

Such a lazy ass. Why am I writing this when I'm supposed to be writing my Intdram paper?

posted by introvert at 11:22:00 AM
. . .

. . .
current mood
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piotr f.

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