nothing feels good
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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004
What does a gal do to make her feel less lonely?

posted by introvert at 8:52:09 PM
. . .
Grabe galing talaga ni God!!!!!!!!!! It felt like a miracle..

I don't think it's because of the fact that I did run in to him, but because God answered my prayer!

Isn't it amazing..

I'm not really thanking God that I did see him. I'm thanking God that He answered my prayer..

Well, fine, I guess I do thank God for making me see him. Because now that that's done, I can be ready to leave for Bangkok..

But I'd have to say, I'm more amazed at God's miracle than happy to see him. (If I was any happy at all..) -- Labo ko talaga.

posted by introvert at 3:30:11 PM
. . .
Monday, August 30, 2004
It's actually good that I'm not going on Course Card Day. Suddenly I'm ashamed of myself, I don't want to show myself to them.. but when you want to see somebody, it's a stronger feeling than shame, isn't it? I just wish I see him tomorrow! Ha! All of a sudden I just want to put this "best term ever" (blech) behind my back!

posted by introvert at 9:01:58 PM
. . .

OKAY. They let my sister fly to the UK alone, and live there alone, and go to Amsterdam, Germany, Reading, where-have-you alone but when she was here she was only allowed to go the mall -- with a driver!

Now, they're letting me go to Bangkok by myself for four days, and they would also let me go to the UK by myself to visit my sister, they would also let me go the States and stay with somebody (perhaps with Kim or some relative) but while I'm here I can't even go to school by myself!!

After expressing this sadness to my brother, he in turn said, "I don't understand why they won't let me go to Boracay with my friends." And I was like, "WHAT?" I knew this, that he used to ask our parents about Boracay. But it came to me just as he said that -- that he isn't allowed to leave this city by himself, yet he's been places around Manila without any elders! Ha!

Hmmmm.............. My sis and I can leave home. My bro can't. He can go around his home, though. But we can't.. WHAT IS THE LOGIC BEHIND ALL THIS?

posted by introvert at 8:29:45 PM
. . .
Friday, August 27, 2004

Do I really have to use up 10 pesos per text message for this..

OK, I feel sad about missing course card day. Am I really not going on course card day? That would be really sad. That is the definite last day of this best term ever. This strange term.. This term I loved, but now I don't feel much for it. But I still want to go on course card day. That's the last time I'm gonna see them! As classmates!

Ain't gonna seem 'em........ :(

Yuck talaga. Bakit ako nalulungkot. Hay, buhay nga naman..

posted by introvert at 10:50:14 PM
. . .
Grabeeeee bakit biglang umiinit ulo ko sa kanila.. @#$%&!!!

Been doing the puzzle the entire day.. Got.. to.. finish.. it.. tonight..

I haven't even taken a shower and it's almost dinner time!

So he txted again. And it made me go YUCK! Coz he said he came from Harrison Plaza. YUCK because he had to tell me.. YUCK because he txted me because he probably had nobody else to txt.. YUCK talaga..

I know it's bad, it's wrong (is it?) but I can't fucking help it!

Everything all of a sudden is YUCK to me. Somebody else txted, from AUSTRALIA and at first I was happy to see a message from him but a little while later napa-YUCK na rin ako.. bakit ganun??!! Everything is just so GROSS all of a sudden!! Even me thinking of somebody is a big YUCK! I just I wish I could get him or any other guy out of my mind! Grossed out with my self, too.. yuck.. yuck talaga!!

Well, it's not just boys and myself, but also food.. I'm very picky with food all of a sudden.. That Big Breakfast from McDo was a big YUCK coz of its oil.. That pasta from Italianni's was a big YUCK coz it was so dry.. Yes, they're supposed to be GOOD FOOD but they were gross to me.. Of course our lunch at Mini Shabu-shabu yesterday wasn't a yuck, after all that's what you call CLEAN FOOD -- except for the meat, which has always been a yuck to me (the meat in Shabu-shabu only, mind you). Even Pop Tarts and Mrs. Fields cookies.. yuck because they are very very (TOO) sweet.

What is freaking wrong with me? The biggest yuck of all is me.. I can't believe I've become.. like this..

-- Like what, anyway. God, I don't understand even myself..

LIKE WHAT? I've become such a meanie, a shithead, a flirt, you name it..

posted by introvert at 6:45:41 PM
. . .
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
YUCK! Yuck talaga. Bakit nya kailangan magtxt? Pwede ba........

Napasulat ko tuloy ito sa aking cellphone, as usual saved sa outbox.. in three separate messages, addressed to nobody in particular:

Grr! Do I have to see tomorrow? Do I have to wait with you on Tuesday? How can I avoid? Why do I want to avoid.. Arr! Come on, dalawang araw lang naman yon.. Next term wala na! Bah! Why don't they understand why I don't wanna see him anymore.. bah.. ako rin naman di ko understand.. Masama kasi akong tao eh! Is it because may bago akong "prendz" (nagfifiling) ?? Kung ganon.. yuck ayoko na sa sarili ko talaga.. mahiya ka naman! Pero.. why do you have to fucking txt? Kasi nga kailangan mo ng katxt araw araw? Pakyu! Palibhasa wala na sya eh, ako na ang tinitxt mo. Langya ka talaga. Langya! Mahiya ka rin naman! Demet!! :(

Yeah, erase that fucking message.. Dinelete ko na yung message ng nagpa-"Hehehe" sa akin sa past post ko.. Nakakakilabot kasi bigla.. Thou shall not have a crush from now on.. A mysterious crush will do! (A la Arthur/Art Staffer) i.e. somebody you do not know personally! Nandidiri na ako at nahihiya sa sarili ko.. Magbagong buhay ka na poknat! Whatever that means! -x-

Ayun.. Ayoko na.. Hayup talaga sa mood change, ano?

posted by introvert at 5:28:14 PM
. . .
This is Alex's music. Alex from A Clockwork Orange. (Anna lent me a CD compilation of classical music..)

OK, I'm pissed at that vice dean of ours. She still hasn't answered our interview questions. It wouldn't be as bad if she simply told us in the first place that she will not be able to answer it. What am I saying, how could she have told us anyway? Only her secretary could have told us. I don't like how we communicate only through her secretary.. Oh well, we ain't waiting for her any longer!

Anyway. Looks like that Bangkok trip is pushing through for sure. Next week, September 2 to 5. I always have mixed feelings about leaving. Not so long ago I was desperate to leave this city, to go anywhere but here, but all of a sudden things changed. I still want to leave, because it's fun and it's an adventure, and this time it's different because I'm going without my parents.. But here I am again, thinking I would miss out something while I'm gone. It's the sadness of it all, I think what I really want is a combination of both feelings. I want to have fun and venture independently, freely, without my parents to worry about me and be with me all the time.. but then the only place I really want to venture and have fun in is here.. home.. Manila.

But heck, it's only four days, and if you think about, nothing really will happen during those four days, I will probably just be bumming around the house.. This two-sided heart of mine is giving me a hard time. This could stop me from fulfilling my dream of traveling everywhere. Maybe when I'm a total loner traveling would be just great.

Or maybe when I'm older, when I graduate, I would disappoint my dad by telling him I don't want to travel around yet. I would rather explore around this country, or this CITY actually. What a shame. I've lived here all my life yet I long for it as if I've never gone here..

posted by introvert at 2:23:16 PM
. . .
Monday, August 23, 2004
Hehehe............. (*smirk*)

Boy, have I got a reason to smile today. :D Well, besides the fact that exams are over.. :P~~~

Hehe.. ;-D


Well, yeah, so, uh, the final exams are over and that means the term is over too. Except for Filipi2 which I have to go to school for on Wednesday but that's nothing really, we just have to sit there and watch and maybe help out a bit; and also hafta go back on Course Card Day too.. That's not so bad, I'm just damned glad that the Stat and Inersci exams are over and that I didn't do so bad (except maybe in Inersci's essay part - guessed my way through, oh well).. yes, damned glad I am! But here I am again not knowing what to do with this "vacation" I now have in my hands.. I'm supposed to be sad, too, because this term I can call the "best term ever" is over, but hey all of a sudden I don't feel so bad, bakit kaya? Hehe.. I got to talk to LM for a little while after Stat, but I don't care about that anymore, haha after all.. *toot* haha yuck I feel like such a.. such a, I don't know, I just don't feel like myself, it's gross.. Ganito ba tlga ako pag ganun.. ahaha ang labo ampowta kadire hahaha i don't like myself when I'm like this.. but hey I have no choice, it just happens to you.........

Yes it's all over but I still don't feel like it is. I guess it's that Filipi2 - still a burden in my head. I just hope that Ms. Fortunato (the Vice Dean) will send her answers tonight.. even better, earlier than tonight! She's been really busy, I know (as in REALLY busy) but I hope she could spare just a couple minutes.. if she doesn't, well, I don't know..

How come I feel this way whenever I do.. It's not a sin, is it? There's nothing wrong with it right? It's human nature right? Right??!!! I just wish I could feel it for somebody else..................................... why do i feel this way whenever i do. drama ampotah. biglang nagdrama eh no. i just wonder how long this will last..

posted by introvert at 5:45:36 PM
. . .
Sunday, August 22, 2004
GAWD! Why do idiots have to fucking exist in this world?

I can think of two of them right now, but then sadly there are much more than just two of them..

posted by introvert at 7:37:41 PM
. . .
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Grabe, mas ok pala talaga kausap ang mga mas nakakatandang tao.. hehe.. mas may napapag-usapan! Well, sa girls yata ok lang sa akin ang mga ka-edad ko, kung sabagay eh syempre since maliit pa ako mga girls na ka-edad ko ang nakakasama ko.. Pero pag sa lalake, mas ok ang mga mas matatanda.. (naka-chat ko si Jeck kani-kanina lang..) Sa school..? Mga walang kwenta yata ang pinapag-usapan ko pag lalake ang kasama ko.. hahaha.. ang labo amputa. Loser!

posted by introvert at 12:56:58 PM
. . .
Astig talaga Saturday morning NU music! Well, actually afternoon din.. Wala lang, na-miss ko to, ah. Dahil sa RO.. Coz I have found that all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again.. Still countin' the days I've been without you, 1, 2, 3, 4.. Still countin' the days that you've been gone.. Etc..

posted by introvert at 11:39:21 AM
. . .
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Eto na naman ako.. kung kelan wala nang gagawin para sa skul, di ko alam ano gagawin ko ngayon sa bahay..
Kaso lang, tuloy pa pala ang stress week. Meron pang Filipi2 research at Inersci project.. Shemay! (Puro old skul expression ako ngayun ah. Napapa-"shucks" na rin ako bigla..)

I feel something in my stomach. Parang kinikilig na ewan. Kinikilig saan? Kanino? Ayoko na isipin yun. Haha. Lahat nalang ba ganito? O akala ko lang yun? Shucks. Shucks! Pero masaya naman ako. Masaya. Pero ayoko tong feeling na to. Haha. Anlabo ampowta. Well, that's me....... ilusyonada..

posted by introvert at 10:27:37 PM
. . .
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
This final-week-before-finals stress is giving me bad dreams. Been having very short sleeps, yet I get bad dreams..

And damn, so many loser-looking people who I've never seen before are starting to fucking message me in Friendster asking me to add them. What the fuck is that all about?

posted by introvert at 10:42:23 PM
. . .
Monday, August 16, 2004
It's all about
FATE! Hehe, yeah..

posted by introvert at 5:49:01 PM
. . .
Ang galing. Magaling talaga. Totoo pala talaga ang karma, at pag ika'y dinalaw nito ay karapat-dapat or deserving talaga. Ang galing, ano? Ang galing ng nature.

Nalinawagan ako doon ngayong araw na ito. Nalinawagan ako na hindi lang pala ako ang galit sa kanila. Sa barkada nila. Sa barkada niya. Clearly they want to act as one unit, so one unit they shall be.

Back to karma. Natuwa akong malaman na hindi ako nag-iisa. Tama nga ako, at sila ang mali. Natuwa ako na nakuha na nila ang kung anong karapat-dapat sa kanila. Eto silang nanlalait ng tao, ngayon ang buong mundong nilait nila ay siyang naglalait sa kanila ngayon. Buti nga sa kanila. Hahayaan ko na silang pagmasdan ang kanilang kinabukasan. Haha.

Onga noh.. Majors na nga pala kami next term. Sila lang pala. Ako minors lahat. Pero ganun na rin yun.. kahit majors na ako next term, di ko parin makikita ang aking mga batchmates. Di ko na sila makikita. My beloved batchmates! Isang term lang pala ang ganito.. isang term lang pala ang ganitong halo-halo ang mga kaklase. Kung isipin, bagong buhay na naman 'to next term! Dalawa lang ang klase ko na nasa flowchart ng mga Sophomore. Yung iba, baka mga upperclassmen ang kasama ko. At since kinuha ko na ang mga subjects na hindi pa dapat para next term, edi sa mga susunod na term ay hindi ko na rin sila makikita.. ay, nakakalungkot.

Pero di ko rin masabi kung masama ba ito o maganda. Maaaring maganda rin, kasi alam mo na.. at saka, new experience naman. Naks. Kaso nga lang.. mamimiss ko lang talaga ang term na ito. Da best talaga. First term of 2004-2005.. ang drama eh, noh?

posted by introvert at 4:39:21 PM
. . .
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Sometimes I just don't know myself anymore. I am such an idiot!

posted by introvert at 6:51:54 PM
. . .
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Indeed! I will definitely miss all my classmates this term. I love this term. It was the best. I could say that. Couldn't say that about the past terms. What am I talking about anyway? The term's not over yet. I should just savor these last few days with the people who have made this term both happy and sad. Happy + Sad always = Happy. Hehehe. Labo.

posted by introvert at 7:55:26 PM
. . .
Monday, August 09, 2004
I just realized that the CD Anya gave me to burn was Incubus' rare first album.

I'm hearing Enjoy Incubus for the first time, yet -- boy, does it bring back memories.

Suddenly nostalgic of those times. The mid- to late 90's. Hardcore music was the sound. Korn, Limp Bizkit, Deftones, Incubus.. I remember playing 3Xtreme with Ultraspank music. Big concerts with big line ups were the thing. It was a short-lived era, and only a few good bands made some albums that still sound good today.

posted by introvert at 4:59:56 PM
. . .
Sunday, August 08, 2004
I miss and love this friggin' dreamy dreamy song..

I stayed in last night
I wasn't feeling alright
I knew it couldn't last
I started thinking of you
And I wished we could be dancing in the dark
(Really slow)
Oh, it's good to know
Tomorrow you are coming home
(I won't be so alone)
I feel heaven in you, don't you know
I feel heaven in you, don't you know
I feel heaven in you
Oh, it's trueI can't let go
I miss you, oh you know

etc..............ANGEL INTERCEPTOR BY ASH.

posted by introvert at 10:01:48 PM
. . .
Friday, August 06, 2004
Indeed, one of the things I learned this term is that only people can make you happy. But then again, it is also only people that can bring you down..

For now, however, I can only talk about the first sentence of that opening statement. It's the advantage of being a loner. You meet many new people. New people, that's what this term was all about. You have no barkada, but you have many friends. No definite companion during break or lunch or in class. You get to talk to everybody, not just the same person everyday or the same group. Yan ang masaya.

Well, Besa hugged me today. Hah. I think I was smiling all the way down the stairs; if not, I was probably smiling only in my mind. Besa could have had something to do with it, but I think it was really about BJ.

I don't know what you call it. It isn't a hi. It's eye contact then raising both eyebrows, sometimes with a smile, sometimes without. It's a gesture between two people who know each other, but aren't friends. Naturally you know many people who aren't your friends. But only a few people are able to do that gesture. Alvin does it too, without the smile.

That's what BJ did that made me happy. Because on this same day, a girl from their block (probably the only one whose name I don't know) smiled and waved at me. And with a touch of sadness, I thought, just when the term is about to end, I'm becoming friends with them. Err.. "friends".

Honestly, I am going to miss their block. I didn't get to know them, but they were part of every single one of my days for three months. "Bad vibes" could have existed in the beginning, but fortunately it eventually disappeared and things have changed however little, but it's all good as I see it now. I know that those people who "acknowledge" me are just a few from the block (it's not just BJ, Alvin, Meiji, and that girl, I could also name Kat and Janni and perhaps Irizz, all of whom once smiled..), but somehow they represent the block in general. It is just ironic that the people who I spend most of my classes with are the last people who I have made "friends" with.. Don't know if I could really call it "friends"..

God did have something for me this term. Some blessings sure do come in disguises. Not being able to change my schedule during online enrollment last term was indeed one of these blessings.

posted by introvert at 4:46:55 PM
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current mood
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piotr f.

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