nothing feels good

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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

hi kimper!
thanks for emailing. i have been such a lazy bum! the only thing i'm good at lately is sleeping..hehe! even when i've had enough sleep already, i just want to stay in bed.
school has been fun, too. things change so fast. i used to hate this term, now i'm enjoying it. since i don't have a block anymore, i'm meeting so many new ppl.. i learned how to be friendly again, i learned to value the company of others, and i learned that only ppl can make u happy.. =) that's the advantage pala when you're all by yourself. you're forced to talk to others. and it's nice to know a lot of ppl around skul. makes u less lonely.
what's your logic about ba exactly? i'm excited for my classes next term, kahit na wala pang major. God has his reasons, and i have a feeling something good is gonna come out of it. optimistic or what? by the way, i'm taking spanish na next term! i also have history of civilization, which sounds fun.. i hope. and also another subject called gender studies.. hehehe.
as for this term.. it's BUSY. i have rotc on saturdays and on sundays i have to do this church service for my religion class.. but thank god i'm done with that. 10 hrs lang eh. doing well only in computer class! haha! 2 ppl have always been asking my help for their hands-on exercises, and i got free food from both of them for being such an angel. and remember brian? he promised to treat me out rin, coz i helped him sa online enrollment today. he called me "heaven sent" for that! and for listening to his problems..he's having love problems, yeah may gf na sya! haha, since last week but it doesn't look good right now..
i'm happy for you that ur moving. independence nalang ang kulang sa buhay ko ngayon! it's my wish to take the train to school and going home. i'm sick of this lifestyle of house,car,school,car,house.. good luck with your driving test. it shouldnt be hard, right? is it as easy as the one here? my bro has a license na.. i wish i could get around too but i dont want to drive.. not in this city.
well, thats it for now. sorry, i tend to write long emails.. i put a reminder on my celfone to go to ur lola's house this sunday. i keep on forgetting. miss u hell lots.
love,ca!

posted by introvert at 6:30:04 PM
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Downloaded some Bix songs yesterday.. I love this "Clementine" song!! (recorded by Jean Goldkette's Orchestra)

As most sad days, there was also something nice about today. And vice versa. Heh.

posted by introvert at 5:49:54 PM
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

ANG CUTE NI LM HAHAHAHA............ yak parang pagsisisihan ko to sa future ah, hahaha... ako, may crush kay LM? YUCK SYA MINSAN! HAHA!! LABO...............

posted by introvert at 8:49:21 PM
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Grabe, kakaiba na to.. KATAMARAN to the core na to!! Buti nalang at walang gagawin para bukas.. or baka imagination ko lang yon..

posted by introvert at 5:57:21 PM
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Monday, July 26, 2004

Eto na naman ako. Tamad mag aral. Hay!!! Excited ako for next term. Isn't that nice? I'm taking Spanish, and History, and maybe a course called Genders.. if not Genders, possibly Intreco, which sounds fun.. Why does Economics suddenly sound fun?

May rason nga siguro talaga ang Diyos. Ang galing, no?

Si Alvin rin magaling. Buti pa sya kumakausap sakin. Ako hindi. Hahaha.

posted by introvert at 7:32:19 PM
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Friday, July 23, 2004

Things do change very suddenly, don't they?

xxx

"Gosh. Ikaw? When did I last think of you? Si Alvin nalang.. haha yak, he's an idiot.. Pero I like him.. Ikaw.. Sad to say I don't remember thinking of you.. Only when you text.. Kaw rin naman kasi. Pabigla bigla ka. Nakakapagtaka.."

xxx

School is getting better. I am actually starting to like it there. New friends? More like new acquaintances -- lots and lots of them, and they cheer me up. Those "geeks" as Besa calls them don't bother me anymore. Well, it's either we've gotten used to each other, or I plainly just don't care anymore. I'm just happy about the new people I've met. It's also hard to believe that I am actually looking forward to ROTC tomorrow. It can get very dull and boring, but hey, some of it's fun. New people there, too. Well, there are some ungood people, but I shouldn't mind them.. I hope I wouldn't tomorrow. I like it in ROTC that everybody seems to know each other, by face at least. Yeah, sort of like the camaraderie or whatever you call it that a close-knit online community has. It's what I miss, isn't it? Having lots of people to wave hi to. Having many people know you, and you know them back. It's perhaps one of the things I have been looking for. It's what's making me a sunny person again.. then again, haven't I always been sunny? I don't know. Perhaps on the outside. Well, whatever. All I know is I'm starting to enjoy (life?), and it makes me grateful and glad. :) (I only hope that this isn't a dream that will end soon.. well, there goes my pessimistic side..)

posted by introvert at 9:02:23 PM
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Thursday, July 22, 2004

Wow.I have just seen that Interview With God. I've seen it once before, but now, seeing it again.. it's touching. Very touching. I actually feel loved. By God Himself. Isn't that amazing?

posted by introvert at 5:49:53 PM
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

BIGGEST FRUSTRATION IN LIFE (or probably just one of them too many): Unable to be independent.

How long have I been craving for independence? I can't tell anymore. Seems like forever. It kills me sometimes.

The state that I am in right now, being very confused and lost and uncertain and lonely and what-have-you, makes me crave for this freedom even more. Escape, however temporary, is a very important necessity for me right now. Deep in my heart I wish to just run away, go far far far away perhaps to the land of my dreams the US of A or somewhere strange and elegant like Europe. But I know I can't do that. Anywhere but here should be enough. "Here" being some place where I am at the moment, a place where I would rather not be in. But then, without this independence, I don't really have a choice.

Say, this house. I love this house, of course, it's home. Everything is here. But it can be very lonely, even with all your possessions around you. My room, or any other room here, makes me think. As in THINK. Sometimes of things I don't want to bother myself with. I get an urge to run away from my these walls that are staring back at me.. but I feel helpless, and trapped, and it's not a good feeling.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko. Gusto ko lang maiba naman ang aking iniisip at ang aking paningin. Sawa na ako sa pag-iisip ng aking mga sariling problema na wala namang katuturan kung isipin ko ang mga iyon buong araw, o buong linggo, buong buwan.. Kahit ilang oras lang sana ay makakalabas ako at malimutan ang mga ito, sa paraan ng pag-eexplore o site seeing o panunuod ng sine sa big screen o window shopping man lang.. ng MAG-ISA. Sinasabi nga na hindi dapat layasan ang mga problema o ang sarili, pero sa palagay ko, kung kalimutan mo nga lang ang mga ito ng sandali, "if you just give yourself a break"... mas magkakaroon ka ng enerhiya para humarap sa mga problemang ito, at mas maaayos pa ang inyong kaisipan.. hindi ka na gaanong "messed up" at "stressed" kung sabihin..

This present lifestyle of mine - house, car, school, car, house - is what's making me feel so dead. There is no life at all in what I see and experience these days.. perhaps that's one of the sources of my "personality disorder". They have to understand that there are people who have a deep urge and need to expand their knowledge of the world, people who can't live by just seeing the same things everyday.. people who die of monotony.. Can't I go anyplace else? I know our family goes places, but I crave for being able to go around by myself.. I don't want to be helpless anymore, I want to be self-sufficient.. independent.. autonomous.. in control.. but I'm depraved of these things. Why??!??!?! Why don't they want me to be independent? Why don't they wan to trust me? I have so many things to say but I'm afraid it will not come out right, just like all these words that I already have written probably all sounds wrong.. I just want to cry.. how will I show them that I am able to do things alone.. how will I show them that this is what makes me miserable, sad, and disabled (seems like a sufficient word to describe it).. Frustrating, it is, damned frustrating. How can I help myself? I feel so helpless........................................ Oh, dear God, am I going mad? You do understand, don't you? You know what I'm saying.. ok, this has gone haywire..better end this now or else..i.don't.know.

posted by introvert at 7:37:47 PM
. . .

Here's another swingin' song - Charlie Christian's "Solo Flight" with BG.. ooh yeah. A guitar could swing hard too, you know. How does one describe music? All I can say is that it swings!

Well, well, what do you know - I did not pass that darned qualifying exam for Lit majors. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think, what to feel.. I don't feel anything, really, just clueless of what to do next.. what's gonna happen next term? I feel a little lost, but feeling lost is nothing to me now.. kind of taken that feeling for granted already.. My mind is probably thinking too many things or nothing at all - I can't really tell. I just feel that's it's blank. I just have no idea.............. literally...

The only problem I have is how to tell my parents about it. I don't want to tell them, not yet. I don't know if it's just me being dreamy or hopeful or what, but it doesn't feel right that my name -and the others who didn't pass- did not appear in the list. What do they expect us to do? I want to tell my parents only when I'm certain. Certain that there's nothing I can do, certain of what will happen next term.. But when will I know? I just hope they would forget about it for a while and not ask. Coz if they do, I may not have a choice but to say it straight to their disappointed faces.. Disappointed? Would they be disappointed? Or would they understand? ....I know now how to describe what I'm feeling.. it's not just being lost.. it's uncertainty.

Now my Winamp is playing "The Gypsy" by the Ink Spots.. a very sad song.. and before this, George Harrison's "Run of the Mill" ... also a sad song, I think. Well, I don't really know what it's about, but it makes me sad..

posted by introvert at 5:01:57 PM
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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Wow. Pretty darned inspiring, this is.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/wanderluscious/61346.html

Also check her buythisdream blog.. simply amazing..

This gal's got a dream, and she' livin' it. And she's got somethin' worthwhile goin' on in her life. She's doin' all these good deeds.. for her dream.. for people she loves and for people who are strangers.. And she's just an ordinary young gal..

posted by introvert at 6:07:16 PM
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Monday, July 19, 2004

shoktong> madalas ka ba dito
introvert> ngayon lang. pero mukang babalik ako..

A new place to hang? To spend -- err, waste -- time? Wherever you're accepted, is that where you should go? Or should you stay where you want to be accepted? What if the place where you're accepted is only a dream world.. an online world..

That's why people get so addicted to the Net.

"Mukang babalik ako.."

That was what #moshpit was all about.. love and acceptance and the feeling of being a part of something..

posted by introvert at 6:52:48 PM
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Friday, July 16, 2004

At school right now, making use of these computers at Gokongwei. Yeah, I found something else to do during these long breaks aside from hanging out in the library.. This gal next to me seems to be quite paranoid, looking left and right now and then, inserting diskettes here and there.. Makes me curious what she's up to.. The Net here is slooowww today!

Anywho, Blogger's got somethin' new again.. let me try it.. You can change font and size, even the color of your text, hmm.. and oh, even bullets.. and you can make a text bold and italic without typing the html.. cooler.. yeah, ok, obviously I'm bored.. I don't have much to do with the computer anymore, these days.. unlike before when I can stay up all night in front of this thing..
Well, the reason I even thought of going to Blogger today was to post what I thought of earlier today on the way to school.. and that is:
Things can change so fast, can't they? (I've made a new friend who is somewhat responsible for all these sudden changes, without him knowing it..) In half a term, I became confused with my life, got a li'l bit depressed and frustrated and lonely about my pathetic social life this term, but I got to meet a few new people, and before I knew it I got back to my knees and learned not to mind the people who's made me miserable, and now I've got a pseudo-crush.. all in, what, 7 weeks or so? Ironically this pseudo-crush is one of them "bad" kids, but he's not exactly bad I guess, if I could even have a "pseudo" crush on him.. hmmm?!! Although I could say he's an idiot.. just like this friend I mentioned, and then again, just like myself..
Darn rants!!! Pointless, pointless rants.

posted by introvert at 12:55:16 PM
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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Killer diller talaga tong arrangement na to! Ilang beses ko na pinakinggan, naaastigan parin ako at naaaliw.. (Sing Sing Sing With A Swing).. nag-sswing talaga.. =D

Just want to make one thing clear.. HE IS NOT MY CRUSH. I don't like him that way. I just want to talk to him. I'm happy when he talks to me, for some reason, but it doesn't follow that I like him. Well, maybe I do somewhat.. but I can't say he's my crush.. I don't know what to call it, but I'm pretty sure it's not a crush.. alright..

posted by introvert at 5:23:51 PM
. . .

Yes I regret it alright. Why didn't I say anything? Kelan Artcomp nyo? Ah may klase ka pa? Edi ano sked mo pag MWF, Relstwo lang? Sabay smile.. Haha! Ang tanga! Why didn't I think of that.. What can you say to him? Why does he always have something to say..

posted by introvert at 5:13:53 PM
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I'm just bored, I'm supposed to be studying, but I think I want to answer a survey now..

1.Sino crush mo?
wala. di ko crush pero gusto ko lang kausapin. si LM.
2.Sino ang bestfriend mo?
wala rin eh. si ate na nga lang rin =P miss ko na rin yon..
3.Mom or Dad?
pareho
4.Sino ang anghel ng buhay mo?
abay malay
5.Sino favorite bball player mo sa school?
wala akong pake sa basketball players namin eh
6.Sino 1st luv mo?
di ko maalala. hahaha. =P
7.Ano favorite song mo?
sa ngayon... wala..music trip kasi ngayon eh..pa iba iba....
8.Kung maiiwan ka sa deserted place ano
dadalhin mo?
clarinet ko.. para mapag-aralan ko na rin sa wakas! hahaha
9.Favorite book mo?
fools die parin siguro. dami rin eh.
10.Kakainis ba sagutan toh?
hindi naman, nakakatanggal nga ng boredom eh. kahit di ako dapat bored ngayon..

ETO PA MORE QUESTIONS!!
11.ilan questions gusto mong sagutan?
uhmm..basta tapusin ko nalang to
12.Favorite band mo?
yung kay artie shaw? hehehe o kaya kay benny goodman.. 311 namber wan =D
13.Favorite subject mo?
history =)
14.Sino ang pinakamakulit na kaibigan mo?
si maya? hehe
15.Pinakamatalino?
si besa siguro
16.Pinakamagaling mag bball?
di ko alam.
17.Pinakamagaling kumanta or mag rap?
si kim! kahit di ko pa naririnig. hehehe =D
18.Pinakamagaling mag break dance?
di ko rin alam.. kulang ako sa friends eh
19.Ilan nag-kakacrush sayo?
nako ewan.
20.Ilan kayong lahat?
onga, sinong kami?
21.Kung meron kang makikilala na artista sino
pipiliin mo?
uhmm... di ko alam! ano ba naman mga tanong na to! di ko alam ano sasagutin!!
22.Sino mortal enemy mo?
block ni happy hahaha!!
23.Sino favorite teacher mo?
deins ko rin alam...wala siguro..
24.Na basted ka na ba?
hindi..
25.May bf/gf kana ba?
sa ngayon wala
26.sa barkada niyo sino paborito mo?
lahat!!!!
27.sa bahay sino lagi mong kausap
sarili ko
28.ano paborito mong gawin?
stare into space. wala na nga akong ginagawang significant sa buhay ngayon eh..
29.sino mahal mo
everybody. naks. kahit hate ko. naks..
30.maganda ba ang mga kaptid mong babae??
op kors =P
31.hatest subject
malay. wala na akong hate eh. naks
32.pikon kba?!
minsan. depende sa sitwasyon. napipikon ako sa mga tao sa skul, yan lang masasabi ko..
33.ilan taon ka na?
18
34.meron k bang bisyo?
katamaran
35.in love ka na ba?
ngayon, hindi..
36.kung may araw na gusto mong balikan, anung
araw un?
pers day of skul this year.. i could change everything you know..
37.gutom ka ba ngaun?
deins, sobrang busog nga sa sinigang eh

posted by introvert at 8:33:32 PM
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Ganda pala ng album ng Pavement (Brighten the Corners).

Music trip ako ngayon eh. Plano kong pakinggan yung mga CD ko dito na sobrang tagal ko nang di napakinggan.

Today wasn't so bad. I prayed for it not to be. God did help me through it. So muchas gracias, God.. can't thank You enough.. and oh.. LM talked to me.. and I talked back.. hahaha.. I am such a loser!

posted by introvert at 6:50:31 PM
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Saturday, July 10, 2004

Panira ng araw si Besa ampotah!!!

May mga minsang naiinis na ako sa batang yon.. di ko sya maintindihan!! Napipilitan nalang ako minsan sa kanya, pero at least ngayon mas guilt-free ang pagpipilit ko, kasi may "valid" (kuno?) reason naman ako!! Kaysa naman noon.. Basta, ngayon sya may kagagawan nito!! Hay, di ko alam kung bakit ako nagagalit. Nde, actually, alam ko, pero di ko alam paano sabihin. I don't know the words for it! Maybe I do, but I don't want to put it into words. It's one hell of a mad, pathetic situation!!

Not minding "Besa" -- err, HAPPY, and everything else to do with him! (count you-know-who's, plural) -- this day would have been alright. Lotsa small talk with Matt every now and then and ending up in the same bus going home. Found time to spend with Marian even if we were assigned to separate buses. Naki-epal with sina Kimi's SP barkada (and savored the company and acceptance) when I was all alone.. Got little glimpses of Little Man (let's just call him that, ok) even if I didn't get to talk to him.. plus who would forget all that free food? Hay. Buhay nga naman ano? Am I making my own life miserable? Or are THEY?

posted by introvert at 10:37:18 PM
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen Means That You're Grand!

I'm feeling very sleepy, but I don't want to sleep yet -- no, not now, when there's hardly any work for tomorrow!

Today I got free lunch from Jason and free merienda (from BreadTalk) from Marian for helping them with their Artcomp exercises.. :D

Bad day, humiliating and shitty. But it's the nice little things that count, don't they?

posted by introvert at 8:16:03 PM
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Monday, July 05, 2004

That's right. Time is based on the world's rotation and revolution. So if you plan on turning back time, you'll have to turn the world around as well...

posted by introvert at 8:04:43 PM
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The Nagbra Ka Pa Bra!

I just saw Spiderman 2 yesterday. And for some reason, I liked it. Well, it was entertaining, you know. You gotta admit. I still think about it, sometimes..

Since last week Zach (of NU) was talking about Kirsten Dunst's Nagbra Ka Pa Bra.. hehe I just find it so funny. He was saying that she was wearing a bra in the movie (both the first and second Spiderman) but it was a useless bra.. hence, the Nagbra Ka Pa Bra. Haha!

And by the way, Tobey Maguire was cute in the movie. He's got some pretty bad shots, though..

posted by introvert at 5:16:24 PM
. . .

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Why would I rather sit here in front of the computer even if I ain't got nothin' to do with it anymore?

Why am I wasting time here staring at the blank monitor telling myself I'm bored when I actually have to study for a big midterm exam tomorrow?

Why don't I want to study?

Why suddenly do I not want to tell Maya my problems? Or to anyone else, rather?

Why am I being such a shithead? A loser? A pathetic........can I just be an actor. hahaha. Tobey Maguire!! (Just watched Spider-Man 2..)Geez, WHY do these actors in these movies inspire me? Wanted to be a director, a writer, a musician.. but an actor?! This isn't the first time a movie inspired me to act..

The strange thing is those who inspire me are MEN. Hardly women. Say, as a writer, I would want to be like Nick Hornby or Hunter S. Thompson. As a director, I'd like to be like the Coen Brothers or Wes Anderson. Musician, Artie Shaw or Harry James or Benny Goodman.. Actor.. uhm.... well, can't name anybody.. nobody in particular, I guess. Heh. It's not like I am an actor.. what would YOU think?! what the fuck is this.. pointless rants again!!!!

Am I falling for what Mr. Artie Shaw calls the "Cinderella solution" ??!!

posted by introvert at 6:55:13 PM
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