nothing feels good
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Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Hay! Buhay nga naman.. Sana'y walang pasok bukas.. Sana'y umulan ng sobrang lakas, na may kasamang kidlat at kulog pa.. Sana'y ang panahon bukas ay nababagay sa aking nararamdaman!

posted by introvert at 8:49:51 PM
. . .
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
The only happy memory I have of today is when I saw Brian and Marian in the same table at the SPS canteen this morning. =)

posted by introvert at 8:03:30 PM
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Saturday, June 26, 2004
Today was a good RO day.

For what seems like the first time, Marian was the very first person I saw in school on an RO day. And I was happy to see her. I always dread walking by myself down that street between Velasco and Miguel, while everyone seems to watch you.. But this time I didn't have to walk down that street, thank God. We used the back door of Velasco that leads to one of the gates of the field, because we were almost late for spending too much time in the Velasco ladies' room.

The main thing we did today for RO (well, for the MS-2 people) was practice on what to do when the President and some Guest of Honor comes to visit. I'm not quite sure if some VIP will actually visit, or if it's only a part of MS-2 training. But Sir Flores was also being trained for it, so I suppose it's something not just for MS-2.. Four SP's were called to line up behind Sir Flores while he commanded the "troops" or the other units, greeted the guests, and walked around the field for the "Pasa Masid" or something like that, while the rest of the troops followed behind. Marian and some Chinese medic boy served as the two guests, which was kinda cute, hehe.

Anywho, the whole time before the MS-1 kids went up to their classroom instruction, before we four SP's were called, I was just standing at the front side of the field watching the MS-1 students. The Light Duty kids was the platoon right in front of me, and I didn't like the way they were looking, but I tried not to mind because it was only natural for them to look because of my full-gear uniform, hah. Soon it was time for the Colors and I had to take off my helmet in respect to the flag, which I didn't like to do during the whole RO because my hair always ends up in a mess.

The next main thing that happened was when Sir Flores instructed Marian and me to escort one of the AFP officers to the Sports Complex. It was raining that time, so nobody was doing nothing, just hanging under the shade and waiting for instructions. When the sun came up, the Model battalion was continuing their Hell Day, and once again I saw that guy they call "Happy" do what he calls his "footwork", in the center of a circle formed by the Models. And once again, as I told Marian, "Ako yung nahihiya para sa kanya eh!" Because he wasn't doing it just in front of the Models, but in front of all the people under the shade, which was practically EVERYBODY! I know he probably likes doing it, but for some reason I couldn't bear to watch, so I was glad to escort that officer to the 6th floor of the Sports Comp where the MS-1 would be having their practical first aid thingy. Well, when we got to the Sports Comp the guards told us that the 6th floor was reserved for the CSB grad practice so we had to use the 5th floor, which was half-full with parked cars, but it was alright. Marian and I had to be real SP's, not only escorting an officer but also shouting around the MS-1 kids to do their formations already! Well, not exactly shouting, I don't think we did quite a good job, but hey we got the kids moving. The officer was already talking in his megaphone to form, but the kids were either just sitting or standing around. When that first aid thing began, Marian and I just watched, and when we got sick of that, we talked and talked and talked. About life. It was a good conversation about a topic we usually discuss.. One thing we concluded was that once you get to your peak, it seems there's nowhere to go but down (it was a line I read somewhere before, I think it was about Gene Kelly after Singin' in the Rain, heh). And I realized suddenly, that perhaps I've already had my peak, and that's why I've been goin' down down down and down. That's why I don't ever have as much fun anymore, or why I always feel lost and directionless, and all that. But that was just a thought that passed through my head for a minute. I was actually glad to have somebody to tell and talk about these things with, because she understands, she feels the same way, and all that. I don't think I ever talked about life with anybody as comfortably as I do with her. I mean, life is something I talk about with different people, but with Marian it's different, because somewhat somehow we have a similar mindset at some point.

I just thought of this now -- people who are very, totally different from me, are those who I tend to become close to, for some reason. Somehow that makes me believe in fate. Because when you meet somebody new, you don't talk about deep things yet. This somebody is your complete opposite, but there's this thing that connects both of you.. and sooner or later you find out that you aren't so different from one another after all.. Apart from Marian, Kim's the best example of this kind of friend.

Well, finally one of our SP mates called me up in the cellphone and told us to go back down and sign attendance. So Marian and I marched up to the officer and informed him that we were leaving. When we got to the outside of the field where the SP's, medics, and RCG's were in formation, I noticed that the Models were still in the field -- still in their Hell Day! And that meant only one thing.. Mr. Happy is still here.. for some strange unknown reason I don't want to see him during RO.. and that makes me feel bad and guilty for being so mean. It's not that avoid him per se, I suppose I just avoid being seen with him by that gal who likes him.. I feel that she despises me enough already! Ironically when I spotted him during the break, Marian suggested to hide in the bathroom, but then before we got there, that gal who likes him entered that freaking bathroom.. she spotted me too but once again we snobbed each other.. Oh, Life, indeed! I don't even know why I refer to him as HAPPY just like everybody does.. and that's also a mean thing that I should stop doing.. he's got a name..

But then, all this guilt of avoidance went away when finally the Models exited the field and formed right beside the SP's. He was at the other end, but I got a chance to catch his eye, flash a smile, and wave a hi. Haha! Rhyme, ampotah.. and when Sir Flores dismissed the SP's early (ahead of the Models), I also got a chance to wave bye-bye.. Funny how two different waves could get rid of guilt and make you feel a lot better..

Yeah, so today was quite a day. Somehow different from the other RO days. But it's not much really, I just had an urge to record it down here.. RO is exciting, I guess the only exciting part of my life right now, even if I tend to get lazy waking up early.. well, who wants to wake up early anyway?!

Right.. Kim's birthday today, Brian's birthday today, Jaja (Galang)'s debut later tonight which I'm not attending although I don't know if it really is her birthday today.. Quite a day indeed huh! Any day that produces this much words is quite a day..

posted by introvert at 2:48:23 PM
. . .
Friday, June 25, 2004
CLARK HATCH: Good therapy! Especially the kickboxing classes.. a great way to relieve stress and release your angers. Even if you're not thinking of the things/people you're angry at.. Well, it makes you forget. And that's just what's good about it. Even when the class is over, when I get home -- After all that sweat, inside, emotionally, I feel refreshed. AND, as I overheard a man telling another man who was on the treadmill: 7 minutes of kickboxing, a hundred calories lost! And those classes are an hour each. Not bad, eh?

But I should say, Marian and Giannina also had something to do with it.. =D

Perhaps I could begin to understand why people get addicted to the gym. I don't think it's just because they want to lose weight.

But, as I say, I have better things to do. I lost a lot of time during this one week.. didn't get to practice my piano, or study for Rels.. but then again, I don't think I would have done those, had I had the time.. haha! Yes, this free trial gave me something to do everyday instead of just bumming around the house trying to study. But maybe I just have to try to actually do and accomplish something during that 7-9pm period. Let's say I will try.. if it doesn't look like it will ever work, perhaps that's the time I should become a Clark Hatch member.. Hmm?

I'd have to do my best, though. Because I don't think I would want to spend the rest of my days in the gym..

posted by introvert at 10:26:02 PM
. . .
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
God knows I have better things to do.
better things to think about.
better things..
But why am I not doing the better things!


Ha! Dont wanna face today. Dont wanna! Can I just stay home? Can I fuckin just stay home?! But that would be idiotic.. Dumb, idiotic, and pointless. --Why? Why do I even feel this way? Why should I feel this way if I don't even know what is going on.. In truth! I do not know and I should not care.. Should I?

posted by introvert at 9:00:20 AM
. . .
Sunday, June 20, 2004
What do they have against me? Sus, after the Fete, yun parin ang iniisip! Kaya nga ako nagpunta dun diba, para makalimot?!

Fete de la Musique!
Great night! And late afternoon..

Ricco's last-minute decision to join Anya, Anna, and me.
Dropped by the office to get money from Dad for Ricco's school stuff.
Loads of traffic even on the least main streets on the way to Greenhills and in Greenhills while we waited for Ricco to finish shopping in National Bookstore for his stuff.
Even more traffic on the way to Eastwood. Laughing, joking, sharing stories and strange ideas, and more laughing in the car with Kuya Dick as our driver. The joy of no higher authorities around, just us cousins. Hehe.
Stopping in the middle of the road (Julia Vargas?) while Kuya Dick and Ricco switched seats. More laughs as Dad was on the cellphone to ask where we were while Kuya Dick was innocently giving Ricco driving "tips", forgetting that Ricco should not be driving and that Dad was on the cellphone, able to hear whatever Kuya Dick was saying..
Arrived at Eastwood finally at around six. Went straight to the Parking Lot but got bored after Ciudad. Roamed the new Eastwood -- visited the bookstore, looked for a place to eat, and ended up with Via Mare's slow slow slow service.
It was already dark when we returned to the Parking Lot. Hung around for a while. Ricco met up with friend and so did Anna. Hung around more, me and Anya. Until the last set before the break finished. Roamed Eastwood again and searched for the other stages. Passed by McDo to meet Anya's friends. Spotted the Main Stage/World music stage and witnessed the "Grand Opening" at 9pm, although the advertisements say that the Fete begins at 4pm..
Boredom strikes again. Went to the CityWalk 2 to catch some Jazz (cool pianist, altoist, drummer, bassist, and vocalist (Pu3ska gal with a tattoo on her left knee), then returned to the Rock stage at the Parking Lot. Greyhoundz, The Dawn, Dicta License, Chicosci, The Mongols (Ely Buendia's new band).
Went out of the crowded Lot for a minute to sit with the kids outside at the sidewalk. Decided to go to the other side of Eastwood to check out the Reggae/Ska stage at Via Mare. Apparently it was indoor, and the guards weren't letting people in anymore because it was full. (Dammit!)
Had no choice but to return to the Rock stage. It was during Twisted Halo's set when the raindrops began to fall.
Then it poured. Suddenly everybody was running. Luckily Anya and me were already under the shade just outside of the Parking Lot where you can hear the music and get a little view of the stage. But soon enough the music stopped and our little shade was jam packed! Mostly with J's! (Jologz haha) J's, who were running around in the rain and splashing in the flood, while people were cheering and the cars passing.
The rain poured even harder. Stood frozen under that crowded shade at the Parking Lot sidewalk until the rain slowed down. Splashed around the flood which we didn't know was deep (!) intending to go to Anna who's txt said she was at West Lake sa tapat ng Bargo.. but when we got there she was gone.
Found a corner by West Lake to hang out in. Tried sending messages and calling Anna, Ricco, and our fathers for a ride home. Message sending failed. Subscriber cannot be reached. Etc, etc.
Out of another bout of boredom, left West Lake to check out Parking Lot if the music continued. Nothing. Decided to go to McDo instead, where we txted Anna and Ricco to meet us. Waited, waited, luckily finding empty seats outside the fastfood, amidst so many people watching the rain pour down.. Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.. Tired, tired, tired.. finally Anna arrived, and soon Ricco did. Decided to go to the Cinemas for a drink.. Long walk.. Most shops closed, but was able to find a table and bought three mineral waters and an ice cream for Ricco.
Tito Bogs called, and we went back all the way to McDo. Just in time, when we arrived, we could see the shiny, sleek Mercedes Benz.. hehehe. Traffic outside at Libis, but once you're out of that place, dire-diretso na.
At home finally. Undressed -- took out all that wet stuff; socks, shirt, pants.. my poor shoes! Very sleepy, but had a strong urge to turn on the computer and post a blog. So I did.
Prepared Dad's Father's Day card. Then dropped dead.

At the Fete: Millions of people, you never saw so many of them in Eastwood, and probably never will again.. Saw Conrad, Alexis, Mich Dulce, Keno, etc.. can't remember anymore.. said hello to Ace, Gabbie from Poveda, and Eloisa from Poveda, Rina Andolong, Povedan and classmate in Stat101, who was also with Micheline Jose and Tria Unson who didn't say hi at all.. Almost everybody at the Parking Lot was wearing Converse including me, Anna, and Ricco.. Was supposed to meet up with Abbee, but had already left when they txted and the concert was over.. That's about it, I suppose.. One of the greatest nights of my life -- or at least this "new" life of mine, this new, dull, boring, idle, nothing's-happening life of mine. I'm glad I decided to go. With Anna and Anya, and that Ricco decided to join. Even if we had to wake up early the next morning for Review Refresher for Ricco and church service for me..

posted by introvert at 1:08:09 AM
. . .
Friday, June 18, 2004

the most dumb fool there is.

Mr. Tambourine Man. Ain't it such a pretty song.

posted by introvert at 10:48:07 PM
. . .
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Easier said than done.

posted by introvert at 6:17:15 PM
. . .
I know what I'm supposed to do. Wait until the time I can run off. Wait until graduation. For the meantime do your best in school and keep yourself busy. Study your clarinet. Study music. Do other shit. I don't know what you want to do. But keep yourself busy. That's the key. Keep busy.. until the time comes..

posted by introvert at 6:15:25 PM
. . .
This city is killing me. Driving me mad. It's got nothing for me now. And I've got no more purpose in it, either.

Manila. How I loved Manila.. and I guess, I still do. But it's glory is gone. To me, at least. I thought there was more to what I saw, so I waited, and when nothing came, I looked for it. But I found nothing. And the search for this "thing" -- whatever it is -- gave me a disease that may only be cured by running off someplace.. in solitude.. until I am ready to come back, as one always comes back to his or her own love..

For now I wish for Davao. Two hours away or so by plane. Far away, but still home. Still in the Philippines. Only it is something new.

posted by introvert at 5:57:56 PM
. . .

posted by introvert at 5:19:53 PM
. . .
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
beautiful! (artie shaw's stardust clarinet)

I do seriously think I have some kind of a personality disorder. I need a doctor's help.

posted by introvert at 9:52:00 PM
. . .
Sunday, June 06, 2004
How damned boring it is!

No interesting new e-mail. Nothing interesting enough to read. Nothing interesting enough to do! (A lot actually, but no mood to do so.)

Is that how it will always feel? Not wanting to do anything productive. Even when there are only too many things to do. Just sit like a fat pig waiting for tomorrow..

I hate all these I'm feeling. FEELINGS! My feelings are very unstable. Unstable and conflicting. Too conflicting, it's killing me. It's been killing me for such a long, long time. I need a psychoanalyst. Haha. You think that would help?

Fuck it!

posted by introvert at 9:18:34 PM
. . .
Saturday, June 05, 2004
I was browsing through that book of Artie Shaw's (The Trouble With Cinderella) and he stated there that Loneliness comes in the form of lethargy. And lethargic I've been all right.

And I am well aware that I do have this sickness called Loneliness. What makes things worse is that I also have a desire to be just left alone. So if I tell somebody I'm lonely, what he or she would likely do is to try to make me feel less lonely. But then when that happens, I would rather be alone...

How do you explain that? Now this sickness is taking all my energy and desire to do anything.. I just want to sleep.. forever.. and as Jason said, "If I wish really hard, I could be somewhere else.."

I look forward to being with him (no, not Jason!) probably because he doesn't make me feel lonely. It seems that everybody else does.

And I may have come to the point of desperation. I don't care anymore if the company of this guy, or in other words the absence of loneliness, is "paminsan-minsan lamang", or not real even, as long as I get a dose of it every now and then. A dose of not having to feel lonely (what do you call the opposite of loneliness?), even if for just a short while..

posted by introvert at 2:30:26 PM
. . .
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Two lines I heard today that made me stop and think:

If I wish really hard, I could be somewhere else..


I feel so gay, in a melon collie way..

The first one was from Jason this morning during Inersci, who was "so bored" that he had to hide under his T-shirt (hmm?). And I wanted to say in reply, "How I wish I could be somewhere else.. I don't like this block very much!" But, well, I didn't say anything. I tried to wish instead. Heh.

The next line I heard just a few minutes ago at my new YM's radio (they have a Big Band Era station, ooh yeah). It's from Rodgers' and Hammerstein's "It Might As Well Be Spring". So of course the word gay there isn't what it means today. Anyway. Now I know it ain't just me who feels as such. You know. Feeling two things at once.

Right. . .

posted by introvert at 6:23:17 PM
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current mood
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piotr f.

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