i dont know! no, i dont know. why are u telling me all these things! and why i am listening! i'm supposed to be sick of it all!! damn!!!!!!!!!

posted by introvert at 11:32:00 PM

. . .

School is such a big, sad, unavoidable source of misery.

I was telling myself, if in school we didn't have to socialize - that is, no need for blockmates, no need for group works, just mind your own business - then I'd probably enjoy school. Maybe even love it. After all, I do like to learn..

Since when did my sociability start to go down? It seems it's becoming worse and worse through the years. Or maybe I was never sociable in the first place.

I've grown up hating it. We can say it's politics. Nagkukunware lang kayong lahat! School ------ the breeding ground for so many fake people. If you're lucky, you'd find a reason to separate yourself from this school social life. You'd find a different place to grow, even if you'd still have to go to school everyday.. You'd learn that it's alright not to mix with these school people.. Because there are better people to mix around with. And with them you learn to be yourself. To be real. That is, if you're lucky enough to have found them. And I am grateful that I had that opportunity. It gave me a new outlook in life, many sweet memories, and it has made me who I am right now.

We all belong somewhere. Hey, I could write a book with that theme, you know.. Hehe..

Well, the sad thing is, I've lost that "support group" or whatever you want to call it and I am forced to continue going to school. I set aside that social aspect of school, going there only for study, but I can't help feeling that there is something missing.. and realizing that this must be how I have felt during my younger days, the days before I got lucky..

posted by introvert at 6:48:43 PM

. . .

I
want
to
start
a
new
life.

posted by introvert at 9:52:09 PM

. . .

Damn it here I am again so darned confused and so darned angry at myself.

And of course that leads to some sort of sadness..

Angry: For being such a mean bitch when I don't even want to be - I can't help it, not now at least. And yet they say I'm the nicest person..

Confused: Perhaps it's human. It's normal to feel that way about certain people.. but I don't like it about myself, it's something I want to throw away. But it's difficult. You can't help it really..

It hurts to have a totally separated mind and heart. It seems mine rarely agree with each other.. Or, to put it more aptly, it isn't a separation of mind and heart, but a heart cut in separate halves and rarely merging together..

Yes, its hurts. Nahihirapan ako, I tell you. I don't know of any way to deal with it, except letting it be. After all, what can I do? But it could kill me.. It's me making my own self feel bad.. There isn't anybody to blame.. Not that I'd want to blame anybody.. But as I remember posting something along these lines before: There is nothing so frustrating as struggling with yourself. When the only enemy is you.. The only conflict there is, is you against yourself..

I don't want to feel this way everyday after school for the rest of the term. But I suppose the least I could wish is to feel this way only during this term..

posted by introvert at 7:37:27 PM

. . .

Guys can be very talkative. And there are some of them who like to talk and talk and talk, probably without even knowing or caring if you're listening, as long as you appear that you are. Once I chance upon those sort of guys, 1) I remember my brother and 2) somehow there's no turning back. They uncontrollably tell little bits of their life continuously, leaving me no time to say anything but tiny side comments or I simply just give a nod or a plain "uh huh.." And they're content with that. In the middle of everything they stop and say, "It's your turn, I've said too much," but they'd forget about it and continue on their story anyway.

I made a new friend today, one of those guys I've just described. He's a nice little boy, but to the rest he's branded as weird. Even my blockmates, some of whom probably never saw him before, instantly recognized him as some sort of weirdo. But he's nice I tell ya. I have to admit, he does have some strange attitudes, but I can't help disregarding that when I meet such people. I even sneer at the way his blockmates treat him.. It seems I am as comfortable with them as they are attracted to nice little old me (heh). I'm not just talking about guys here, but also girls.. this can be traced all the way back in high school, or probably even grade school. They like me because I listen and they talk and talk, probably something they don't do as much as they'd like..

And somehow, I envy those people. It's not that I want to be branded as weird, but I noticed that such people have many friends. Well, maybe so-called friends, but even so, they know a lot of people who are all right with them. That's something I don't have - well, I used to, I suppose. Some things just have to change - or maybe they don't.. Anyway, another thing that I've lost is how to talk endlessly about myself. No matter how shallow or how deep their stories are, they always have one in mind. Right after the other. Even when I get a chance to say something, when they say that "It's your turn" line, my mind turns blank and I don't know what to say. Perhaps it's why they go one with their life story.. It's just frustrating, as I told Kim earlier, that they could tell you so many things and you have nothing to say in return. Just like Brian today - I feel I learned many things about him but he doesn't know a thing about me. Maybe a few facts; unsignificant facts. And that's all. It may take a long long time, or maybe never at all, for him to get to really know me. And the same goes for everybody else I meet..

xxx

Now that everybody in our block has de-blocked, and two of my classes today have been near block sections (most people are blockmates except a few), I now thank God that he put me in the block where I was. I know I wasn't much comfortable there, but I made some good friends - and in a sense everybody was friends. Heh. Anyway, looking at my block now, they seem like the best people anyone could ever have for blockmates. They were perfect. And our block was different. I can see that now. I once thought that everybody thinks their own block is unique. But ours really is. I don't like Brian's blockmates. The other blocks don't look any fun at all. Well, I could just be one of those people who thinks her block is unique, or a biased person, but well, that's how I feel right now about my block. But I can't say I want all my classes with them again..

So that was my first day of school.

posted by introvert at 11:10:26 PM

. . .

Back from an entire week in Japan and Kim is here too. It's Maya's 20th birthday and Artie Shaw's 94th.

posted by introvert at 10:10:34 AM

. . .

OK, I was caught off guard by Blogger's new layout. Anyway, what I intended the first line to be was:

Ang Sarrrrraaaap!!
Hehehe, it's that pasta from Spagheddies (what a name), the new Italian restaurant over at Greenhills, in the same building where Tempura is. Their Pomodoro Al Neopolitano (or something like that) was really good. But it's not exceptional. There must be another thousand restaurants who have the same sauce, or even better. But it was just good, really. It could just be that I've been craving for that sauce. Not the red creamy dry tomato sauce, but the orange juicy tomato sauce that comes with basil leaves and maybe some seafood like the one at L'Contoro in Makati. REALLY GOOD. I never liked pasta this much before, only the ones my dad makes. Now I think I'm gonna be eating or craving for that orange juicy tomato sauce the coming weeks or months until I get sick of it and find another kind of food that will fill my stomach..

Moving on to other things.. As a response to Mel Torme's wish as he wrote in one of his books, wishing that he was born ten years earlier, I'd say I wish that I was born 80 years earlier (that would be 1906, or around that time). And, may I add, that I be born in New York or Chicago or any such place. And while I wouldn't mind being born a girl, it just might be great to be a guy during that time, wouldn't it? Now how's that for a wish.

Right. I have this new Blogger to explore and I have to pack up my bags for tomorrow's trip and I have to download a couple more songs for my mp3 player. At the last minute I decided I wanted to bring some 70s songs (read George Harrison, Bob Dylan, maybe Cat Stevens) along with me aside from those hot jazz stuff I already loaded into my player earlier today..

posted by introvert at 8:53:10 PM

. . .

Follow-up thought: It's helpless and useless because it doesn't look like there is anyone who can help our country. Except maybe Mishael Fernandez.., haha.. I'm wishing to meet that guy some day..

posted by introvert at 9:50:33 PM

. . .

Dammit I love Artie Shaw's clarinet.

***

Right! I just received an email about GMA - that she has done nothing for our country the past three years and it's saying that we shouldn't vote for her.. but GEEZUS! Then who the fuck are you going to vote? The non-experienced puppet FPJ? The Erap crony Lacson? The sick Roco? BRO. EDDIE?!?! (speaks for himself, doesn't he) Christ! Give me a break!

Yes, voting might be exciting since it's a first for me. But God, it feels helpless and useless. I'm not exactly rooting for anyone to win. I hope it's all a tie! I can't imagine any of the candidates as President - well, maybe besides GMA since she is the Prez right now.. I'm voting for her, but sometimes even she doesn't seem worthy to be Prez. But you gotta admit, she's the most credible of them all.

Right. I've lost my train of thought. Nothing else to say I suppose. Maybe when the results are out, I'd have more to say - or perhaps nothing at all. Let's wait and see, dammit.

posted by introvert at 6:24:02 PM

. . .

God damn it I wish I could talk to Bill Gates himself.

posted by introvert at 9:56:27 AM

. . .

Kiss my sharries and Bog bless you all.

I feel miserable really. There is nothing for me to do tonight. I don't feel like reading because I have just finished a book so "horrorshow" and somehow I feel that if I start another one I would forget the beauty of this book. All I can think of doing to kick me out of this idleness is to fix my dear files in my damned computer but unfortunately it is still under surgery by two doctors who I deeply hope have some idea as to what they are doing.

Meanwhile here I am at it again feeling so damned miserable I am, picking up that vocab of that book I just finished which needs no introduction; it should be quite obvious what I am talking about here. Anyway, here I am again feeling very lonely and directionless and at the same time just wanting to be left alone alone and alone. Somehow I was expecting to see dear old Kim online in YM as she was last night but me not being able to have a chat with her. But tonight her nick is not in bold letters and her Yahoo smiley is in a deep sleep. But when I think of it really, I just may not know what to say to her once she does go online. Oh the sadness of it all.

What has been in my mind all the way to Greenhills for dinner was running off. Running off to San Diego was the only place I could think of. San Diego -- Southern California, USA, on the border of Mexico, residence of my dear old Kim, the only person who I right now believe to be the only person to trust in this world. Well, dear old Frances is there I know, but somehow I don't want to be with family, and besides, I haven't got myself a UK visa. And after all, the US seems to me the best place to run to. But it's all just a dream, dear friends, as you may well know. Buying a one way ticket to America and not being sure when to come back home to this city and slash or home that has now become strange to me, is sadly a very impossible dream. I have got money, yes, but not enough to get that ticket. Although if I did have that money, I suppose I would have been willing to spend it.. arriving at the US without a centavo left in my bank account and probably willing to look for some odd job to help me get by.. or maybe I would have been willing only in this dream..

Ah, whatever, the truth is I haven't got the money and I have got obligations. Damned idiotic obligations if you ask me. An obligation to stay here at home and wait for that damned first day of school? An obligation to let my parents control my life, an obligation to keep the peace, the status quo or whatever you want to call it. An obligation to be suppressed -- it seems you can't share even a little bit of your feelings in this house, dear friends; they would think that you are angry or selfish or bossy or anything when you are simply telling what's in your mind -- damn it, damn it. I don't know. Know I do not. What am I to do with this pathetic jeezny of mine. I just want to get out of here real skorry. Out to some place strange, for I feel like nothing can ever be stranger than where I am right now. I want to go someplace that isn't this house, isn't a mall, isn't a restaurant.. I'm just sick of it. Sick of it all really I am. This city is not so fun as I remember it to be. I just want to get on a plane and sit on the seat for hours on end doing nothing but fly until I reach my destination wherever it may be, San Diego or other, and once I'm there -- I don't know what I'll do once I'm there. But I'm quite sure it will be the first source of peace of mind for me, being quite far from everything.. and maybe when I get back I would be cured.. cured or not, however, it doesn't matter really.. so long as I did go on a trip by myself..

posted by introvert at 9:51:25 PM

. . .

Frustrating, indeed! I lead a very frustrating life, do you know that?

For one thing, my computer is the most fucked up thing you ever saw! And that's just one thing, understand..

posted by introvert at 11:22:15 PM

. . .

Somehow I can't wait to leave this country but I also don't want to go. Heh, now doesn't that sound very Me?

It's probably just part of my not-wanting-to-do-anything syndrome.

Here I am at it again: Not knowing where to go, what to do with this darned life of mine.

posted by introvert at 10:57:40 PM

. . .