nothing feels good
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Like you in red & blue jeans and your white and night things.

Thursday, February 26, 2004
It's sad. It's sad, really. It's damned sad!

I should not lose myself. I should not lose myself.. *sigh*

That's right.. that cat was right. That cat they called Baron.. hahaha. Talkin' about the movie The Cat Return here, ok? Baron said to the girl, don't lose yourself. And he's right. I shouldn't lose myself!

This whole situation is changing me. There is nothing wrong in changing, I know. Except if that change is for the worse! And this is for the worse! Goddamnit! Help me here, Lord. I need your assistance. How can I not lose myself? I used to be a great person. As I think about it now, at least. Compared to how I am these days.. I was such a good person. Now I'm just a piece of shit. A shit! Isn't it sad?

Life must be lived forwards, as a quote in Mr. Shaw's book says. I know I shouldn't try to relive the past. It's gone. Things are different now. But was it a mistake to leave that thing that I once loved behind? Or was it a good choice to move forward without it? Will I ever know the answer to that? Will I ever know if I made the right decision? ..............

Do I still have a chance. Do I still have a chance to retrieve myself. Or have I lost it?

Could be also, that's it still there. I just have to tap it. But this environment that I'm in right now is just NOT conducive. Puta. Pano ba ako nagbago? Pati rin naman kasi online parang nagbago na ako. Di lang naman to sa college eh diba... pwede ba yun? Pwede pwede pwede ba yun?!

Tangeeeeeeeena!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Miss ko na. Miss ko na talaga. Kelangan ko yun. Yun ang kelangan ko ngayon. Yun ang hinahanap ko. Mahahanap ko ba yun? Ito kasi ang mali ko. Ang paglalayas ko sa sarili ko ang pagkakamali ko. Pero... paano ba? Paano ba to maaayos, o Diyos? Paano!

Haay! Ayoko na. Tatahimik na muna ako.. puta, di pa nga ako nagbibihis eh. Inuna ko pa tong nonsense na ito!


posted by introvert at 6:14:27 PM
. . .
Monday, February 23, 2004
Education. It is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

I have just recieved a sermon about it from my parents. Just a moment ago. Although a "sermon" is not what I would exactly call it. It was sorta funny actually. Well. I brought up my wish of stopping school for one trimester, but didn't really mention it was a wish.. just a "what if". Well yeah.. I guess it wouldn't really do much if I did quit school for a while. But come to think of it, I really do fucking need the break.

What would I do for three months? A lot. One is travel, if we have the money, that is. I would give more attention to my piano lessons. More time to read. See movies. Go out and explore. Study other things. Do the puzzle that has been left under my bed for months. And most of all, think. About life. About what my goals and dreams really are. About what I want to do. About what I can do. And maybe in the process, find myself, even.

Don't think that I want to quit college altogether. No. I want to finish. I want my degree in Literature. But. After 14 years of school, don't you think our brains need some other kind of thinking to do besides memorizing and understanding textbooks?

Of course that's not what I think school is all about. Of course it's more than memorizing and understanding textbooks. As I said, education is a beautiful thing. I realize that now. But HELL, I just fucking NEED a BREAK.

It seems that taking a break from school equates taking a break from everything else. For me, at least. That's what I need. A break from everything else. Which is, as always, impossible. School seems to be everything. That's right. All my problems seem to have one common source -- school. Fuck it. I don't want to think about school that way anymore. I just better shut myself up.

***

Just like the rain, nice people seem to be a rarity these days. Well, it rained today -- hard -- so maybe some nice people will come along tomorrow. Heh.


posted by introvert at 8:01:41 PM
. . .
Sunday, February 22, 2004
It just came to me this very minute.

Why do I like old music? As in really really old music? There's the popular music of the 40s and 50s, the jazz bands of the 30s, the Broadway and Tin Pan Alley music of the 20s..

It's because they take me far away. The nostalgia that they bring is so strong even if I was never there (or maybe I was, God knows). They make me dream that I am there. It was a world so different from the world we live in now. And it is just the world that I need.

Well, at least that's what I think. Life back then must be very different from what my dreams tell me. But you just can't help dreaming.. dreaming of a better world. In my case, that world is the world of the past.

On the contrary, contemporary music makes me face the reality of the present world. My life. Kind of makes me feel sad. The music's beautiful, but they bring a sad feeling. A sad kind of nostalgia. Dreaming of the past that cannot be brought back ought to to bring sadness too, which it does ocassionally. But most of the time it makes me happy.. because I forget.

I can't really understand, much less explain, why I want to run away from this world/life. Sometimes I think of dying, but not associating it with black or anything negative. Because sometimes I feel it's the best way out and there's something better after. Well, I guess to be less morbid, I also think about leaving this country. I'm wishing I could go to Europe this summer. ALONE. Actually, leaving just the city would be fine. I just want to go away. Away from what, I don't know exactly. Get away from everything.. but what is it that I'm looking for?

I wish I had been left behind in Bangkok. Can't really answer that final question yet..


posted by introvert at 8:48:50 PM
. . .
Saturday, February 21, 2004
I wanna know what's it's like
On the inside
of love.

Standing at the gates
I see the beauty
above

Can't find my way in
Try again and again..


Nada Surf. How sad their songs are!


posted by introvert at 3:58:48 PM
. . .
I have no idea what's going on.

I've been feeling lonely. But all I really want is just to be alone.

I am happy when I'm alone. But it is almost a rare thing now. Almost -- not definitely rare. It seems to me that my private times are endangered, because most of the time I am around people. Many people, or one person at a time, it doesn't matter. It is during these times that I feel lost. I feel lonely because I cannot relate with them -- here I use the term relate loosely. It could mean that I don't feel comfortable with them, or I couldn't understand them, or I don't want to hear what they're saying, or I don't have anything to say when they want me to talk, or a bunch of other things that would make me tell myself, "I'd rather be alone." Because when I'm alone, nobody's around who could make me feel lonely. Does that make any sense?

The worst problems you could ever have are those concerning yourself against yourself -- and nobody else.


posted by introvert at 3:50:32 PM
. . .
Monday, February 16, 2004
Bakit ang lamig ngayong gabi? Ang lamig-lamig, akala mo uulan. Kaninang hapon pa malakas ang hangin. Sana ay ganito palagi. Sana ay umulan bukas. Kaso nakita ko sa Weather Report na baka sa Biyernes pa umulan. “Baka” lang yun. Di pa sigurado.

Langya. Pwede bang tumigil muna sa pag-aaral? Feeling ko di pa ako handa sa college. Sa lagay na ito, na s-stress na ako. Eh ang konti-konti ng ginagawa kung ikumpara nung sa hayskul. Siguro dahil marami akong gustong gawing iba, maliban sa aking mga iskulwerk. Kaya tuloy, feeling stressed. Hindi naman.

Pero katotohanan iyon. Gusto ko munang tumigil. Sa palagay ko, pag dumating ang panahon na bored na talaga ako sa bahay, pag sawa na ako sa paggagawa ng mga gusto ko, pag nakapagpahinga na ako, pag nahanap ko na sarili ko, ay itutuloy ko ang aking pag-aaral with all my heart. Mas maganda naman iyon kaysa pilitin ko sarili ko at sayangin lamang ang aking enerhiya at pera ng aking magulang. Basta sa ngayon, ayoko na talaga. Muna..

Pero wala tayong magagawa. Hindi naman pwede iyon. Kawawa naman talaga ang buhay dito, oo.

LECHENG PAG IBIG TO!!! Oi, di ako inlab ha. Pinapakinggan ko lang yung “Pare Ko” ng E-heads. Siyet, ang galling nila. Nakakamiss. Nakakamiss..siyet. Bakit ganito ang musika? Nakakapagsaya, ngunit mas nakakalungkot. Siyet. Langya, ano?

Nakaka-inspire din. Kaya ako nagta-Tagalog ngayon dahil napakinggan ko muli ang Eraserheads. Maganda. Maganda at masayang gumamit ng Tagalog. Nakakalungkot din minsan.. Diyos ko, ako lang yata ang nakakaramdam nito. Nalulungkot sa Tagalog?

Hay nako. May kailangan kasi kaming gawing papel sa Filipi1. Kailangan ipaliwanag kung paano masasabing OPM ang isang Pinoy na kanta. Bakit Original Pinoy Music ang tawag sa ating musika kung hindi naman ito gaano ka-orig? Kung ang ating mga kanta ay impluwensya lamang ng Amerika o iba pang banyagang ek-ek. Parang mahirap gawin, ano. Pero mayroon na akong gustong sabihin tugon dyan. Orig naman tayo eh kahit sabihin na foreign influenced. Parang ganun.. Kaso lang kasi, ayaw umandar ng aking utak. Pagpili pa nga lang ng kanta deins ko magawa! Pakshet. Umaandar lamang utak ko ngayon sa pagtutulong ng aking puso. (Nahaks.) Ang nasusulat ko lang kasi ngayon ay ang aking nararamdaman sa kasulukuyan. At iyon ay:

Putangina. Tangina talaga. Ayoko na. Naiinis ako. Sa sarili ko! At sa lahat! Siyet. Pak! Huhu… O Diyos, may paraan ba???


posted by introvert at 8:25:22 PM
. . .
Sunday, February 15, 2004
It sucks to be such a lazy bum when there are so much things to do.


posted by introvert at 8:39:02 PM
. . .
Monday, February 02, 2004
This third trimester is killing me.

It happens all the time, I guess. First trimester, I get good grades. Heck, I was even almost Dean's List this year. Second trimester, good enough but not as high as the first trimester grades. And now here I am in the third trimester, hardly doing any schoolwork.

I've got to tell you -- I am so fucking lazy. I feel tired all the time. All I ever want to do is relax. Lie down in bed. Doing nothing. Sleep. There are times, though, that I don't want to sleep.

Occasionally I would want to leave the house. But not for too long. Perhaps just dinner, and that's it. Once I get home.. I would sit at my desk, pull out my school things, and stare. Try my best to get the words in my notebook into my head. But my mind flies. Flies to nowhere. Blank. Give up, pull out a CD, lie in bed.

And during the quiz the next day, all I remember is the first line of my notes.

I need energy. I don't want my college life wasted. I do want to learn. I do think college is a necessity. But I wish I could stop for a while. I wish I'd have time to fix myself up first.. I wish I would be more motivated. Just like during the first trimester..


posted by introvert at 6:21:56 PM
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